Finn flinches.
“Yeah, Ivy told me.Everything. You know me, Finn. You fucking know me better than any of my other friends, and you know all I want is peace and calmness. And I want to make Ivy happy because we both know she deserves it.”
His eyes gravitate to the ground.
“You blame yourself for what happened with Ben,” I say gently. “I know you’ve got a lot to work through. But that girl has lit up my world in a few months and has given me hope for lots of things. And I don’t want to lose her; I don’t want to lose you, either.”
Finn remains silent, and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. He’s not screaming his head off, demanding to get drunk—so I guess that’s a start.
“I’m sorry,” I sigh. “For keeping this from you, for not saying anything. But I amnotsorry for loving her.”
He runs his hands down his face, releasing a strangled breath. “Knowing you guys have slept together and been intimate together is making me feel nauseous.”
I grimace at his words. “It’s more than the physical stuff, Finn. She was there for me when I found out the news about my mother’s treatment. I was there for her when she came home in pieces when Tom and his shitty friends were harassing her. The moments you haven’t seen.”
Finn meets my eyes when I finish my sentence. “God, my head is spinning.”
I sigh. “I know this isn’t easy for you. After everything with Ben, the rumour, the car crash. But she’s capable of making her own decisions.”
“You’re in love with her,” he repeats absently.
I nod and say nothing more. I don’t think he needs to hear me say it again.
“All summer?”
“Mostly. I couldn’t stay away from her, and she put up a good fight.”
Finn breathes out through his nose sharply. “You said she was being a good friend to you and now I realise… that’s not what you meant.”
“Please, can we not lose our friendship over this. I’m sorry for keeping it a secret, but Ivy wanted to wait, and I wanted to respect her wishes. She’s been living with so much guilt herself, and she doesn’t deserve that. We both know it.”
“Yeah, I know. She should hate me,” he rasps. “She should never want to talk to me ever again, but she has. I’ll never understand that girl.”
“She has a big heart,” I comment. “And some people take it for granted.”
“I promise I’ll never hurt her.”
“I know, bud,” I say, grabbing his shoulder. “I know this is hard for you to accept, but if you want her full forgiveness, I think you need to accept us for what we are. Don’t come in the way of her happiness again. I need to see her smile, Finn, more than anything.”
He swallows audibly. “Okay,” he murmurs, the word a struggle.
I chew on the inside of my mouth. “It’s your turn to be happy, Finn.”
“Doubt anyone is going to want my sorry ass. I’ve got an alcohol problem and I ruin people’s lives,” he grumbles. “And besides, the girl I want wants nothing to do with me. I fucked it up. It’s all I keep on doing. Fucking up.”
“You didn’t ruin my life.” I shrug.
Finn snorts. “Yet.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You won’t, because you’re getting the help you need.”
“I suppose.”
“And as for Maya, you know you can talk to me about her, right?”
Finn shrugs and looks away.
“I don’t know what went down, but it’s not healthy to let it fester. Talk to me about it. I know you love her.”
