“I like him,” I rasp the words. “I think I more than like him.”
Her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline as she looks at me with something like awe. “You love him?”
This time it’s not a statement of fact, it’s a question. There’s an earnestness in her voice, but it’s tempered by worry. Or maybe it’s something else holding her back. And maybe she’s hoping that if I can love, if I can trust someone enough to fall, then maybe she can too.
“I think the first time he popped up randomly and my gut told me he only showed up for me, I fell for him,” my words are wistful in a way that only beginnings can be.
“Then he kept showing up,” she whispers the words.
Pain flashes in my sister’s eyes and I know why. She misses the best friend she used to have, the boy who was swallowed up by the Saint’s Outlaws and turned into a man she isn’t sure she recognizes anymore.
They were best friends in school. When they were kids. Before the reality of expectations crystalized into all the reasons they should have never been close in the first place.
And I know it still hurts her and she still feels the loss and abandonment.
“And then he kept showing up,” I agree with her.
My sister closes the distance between us, her eyes bright and a little wild. She grips my shoulder with a force that makes me gasp in surprise.
“This is real? With him?” She’s asking the questions like she already knows the answers.
“I think so.”
“Then don’t let go,” her words are a demand and a plea. “Go. Be happy.”
Tears prick the backs of my eyes and hers become glassy in the same way I know mine are. Her fingers tighten slightly on my shoulder, and it feels like being branded with permission.
“You’ve protected me my entire life. You’ve tried to show Dad who I am while making sure I was behind you. You’ve been like a mother to me, Helen,” her voice cracks, “even though you were far too young to be given that kind of responsibility. I don’t want you to make decisions about your life while considering me and my needs.”
I open my mouth to tell her…something. Maybe about how I don’t regret a single decision I’ve made with her in mind. Maybe about how I would do it all over again to keep her safe. Or how it has been my privilege. As her sister and in honor of the mother we share but never was able to experience.
But she shakes her head slightly.
“I know you wouldn’t change it,” her voice is thick, “and I can never tell you how much I love you for it. Now it’s time for you to find a future which has nothing to do with me or Dad. Just be happy.”
Tears slide over my skin, and I stand and pull my sister into my arms. We hug and cry together. It doesn’t feel like a goodbye in the way I was afraid it would. But it does feel like change. It’s scary. It’s big. It also might just be okay.
I’m looking forward to finding out.
CHAPTER 14
RHODES
The house smells amazing and it does ease my anxiety a little bit. But I’m still nervous. My woman is going to be here any minute and all I can think about is that I hope she likes my house.
I can see her here so clearly. Taking up space curled up on the couch with a blanket. Dancing in the kitchen. Sitting on the porch swing with a cup of coffee.
Seeing myself with her in those moments easily makes my heart ache in the best of ways. I want it. I want it all with her.
Tonight is going to bring me one step closer to making those glimpses of the future into the reality I get to experience. I already know she will be the biggest blessing in my life.
A small part of me wonders if I’m being fair. Being with me means being here, in Sweetwater Valley. Am I asking too much of her?
Whenever she’s mentioned her sister, I can see how much love exists between them. She hasn’t been shy about her past, her mother’s abandonment, and the responsibility she took on to basically raise her sister. It pisses me off because she was a child herself and the expectations put on her were unfair. They still are.
But I know it made my woman into something close to steel. The fact that she’s still soft, still capable of so much love when she’s needed to be strong for so long without anyone really having her back, makes me want to spoil her.
Helen should be wrapped in the coziest blankets in front of a fire and never feel the untold weight of expectations far beyond her years.
