“I understand how you can interpret his behavior like that. You had to find out that he went to see another woman. He didn’t tell you upfront, so I get it.”
“I know my brain is probably altered because of the grief but I’m glad you can see that I’m not trippin’.”
“Can I ask you this… do you miss him?”
Irish almost teared up from that question alone. She missed Noble so much that saying his name caused her heart to ache. A week had passed and it had been radio silent on both ends. She was in agony not being able to be with him but Irish didn’t want to be a fool for another man. Jovanis had stolen so much from her. He had taken advantage of her loyalty and while she loved him, she regretted being so loyal to him.
“I miss him every second of the day but I have to take a stance. Besides, I said some things that upset him. I know he’s probably mad at me, too.”
“What did you say?”
Irish stalled, ashamed of how she’d let Jovanis’ cursing words leave her lips. She’d been in the midst of wrath. She hadn’t been in her right mind when she said it. Irish regrettably wished she could take the words back because Noble didn’t deserve it.
“Right before my husband died, he told me that Noble would hurt me. I repeated it back to him in my rage, and it pissed him off.”
“Ah, I get it. You both were in fits of rages. That’s what happens when emotions ride high; people say things they don’t mean. It’s unfortunate but it happens a lot. How do you feel about what you said to him?”
“I wish I never told him that. When my husband said it, I was adamant that he was wrong. I can’t believe I even let those words come from my lips.”
“Listen, Irish, give yourself grace. You're mourning the death of your husband. I’m not sure if you're aware but grief alters the brain chemistry by reducing prefrontal cortex activity. It heightens emotional responses and impairs decision making. Your mind isn’t sound right now. That’s not to say that something is wrong with you but your brain has been rewired. So, don't beat yourself up about what you said. You're going through a rough time and deserve grace.”
Irish swiped a tear that had rolled down her cheek. More than anything, she wanted to move past this phase of grieving. She wished to get to the stage where she accepted that Jovanis was no longer hurting or living a front. She just wanted to move on so she could gain her sanity back.
“There’s another part of this dilemma that I haven’t told you.”
“And what’s that?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“Wow, congratulations, Irish,” Carrie raved. “How far along are you?”
“I’m four months. I’ll be five in a few weeks. I should be in bliss, but I’m carrying a child while grieving, and I’m not with their father. I never thought my pregnancy would be this way.”
“Again, Irish, I need you to give yourself grace,” Carrie reminded her. “Life will not always be the way we envision it to be. It doesn’t work like that. The best thing you can do is move forward and keep yourself busy. There’s no escaping the grieving stages. You have to go through the motions but try to keep yourself healthy, especially for your little one.”
“That’s so easy to say when you're not in it.” Irish closed her eyes for a moment. “I didn’t come here thinking you would cure me from this heartache. I just need some joy. Maybe a slice of peace. I just wish I didn’t have to go through this,” she groaned.
“Irish, I’m here for you. You take all the time you need to mourn your loss. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel confused. What you're going through is a normal response to your situation. It’s abnormal to witness the murder of a loved one. I, too, wish you didn’t have to experience such a devastating loss but know that I’m here for you whenever you need me, okay?”
Irish nodded. “Sure.”
“Is there something you can do to lift your spirits? Maybe go for a drive or go on a getaway? It can even be a small as enjoying ice cream.”
“Well, I’m leaving tomorrow to go see my best friend. She just moved to another city, so we’ll be celebrating our birthdays together.”
“That’s great. I think the change of scenery will do you some good.”
“Yeah, me too,” she mumbled.
“Is there anything else you want to discuss? I’m open to talk about everything with you.”
Irish smirked. “No, Carrie. I’ve taken up enough of your time. I appreciate you for listening. At least I know now that I’m not going crazy.”
“Of course, you're not going crazy. You're just grieving right now. That’s all. The pain of losing your husband will probably never go away, but I feel like time will help you cope with your loss.”
“I hope so.”
“Me, too, Irish. Thank you for coming to see me. You have fun on your trip and safe travels. Please come see me when you get back to St. Parklynn.”
