She stared at him, waiting for the world to right itself again. For the floor to feel steady beneath her feet and for the odd ringing in her ears to cease. She waited for him to laugh, for that amused smirk she had grown to love more than she believed she could to tell her that she had, once more, been far too gullible.
But Cecil did not laugh. He simply watched her with a dark gaze, more patient and earnest in ways she had never expected to witness from him. As though he had all the time in the world and intended to spend every last second of it waiting for her to gather herself.
“That,” Penelope finally managed, her voice barely above a breath, “Cannot possibly be true.”
His expression shifted, and for a moment, she expected him to be offended. It was not every day a young lady was proposed to by a duke. One was not expected to take it lightly, much less brush it off as untrue.
But he was not offended – he did not seem irritated either. Just... amused, his eyes soft and warm as he gazed down on her, the corners of his lips gently curling upwards as he prepared to speak.
“Cannot be true,” he repeated slowly, as though he wanted to taste each word in order to understand why she had said them. “And why do you believe that?”
“Because –” she began, then stopped as though that single word had choked her.
She pressed her lips together and tried to organise the riot of thoughts clamouring for attention in her head, slipping away from his hold slowly. She needed the distance, needed to think clearly without the warmth of his body clouding every sensible thought she possessed.
In a few moments, she was ready to try once more, and she cleared her throat.
“Because you are you, Cecil. Because not too long ago, you approached me to me with a list of requirements you hoped could be found in a woman you intended to make your duchess and you enlisted my assistance. Because you made it perfectly clear that you wanted nothing more than a wife in name – a duchess to fulfil your obligations to your title and nothing further. You do not simply change your mind just like that.” She snapped her fingers. “Not about something as significant as this. Men – as fickle as they might be – do not often disregard their values and rules so easily.”
“You are right,” he said with a curt nod.
She blinked, feeling as though he had set his foot before her and caused her to trip to the floor. “I-I beg your pardon?”
“You are right,” Cecil repeated, so calm and collected, as though he had long since made peace with a realization about life, she nearly hoped he would be willing to share.
Her guard came up again as he took a step towards her, but she found herself unable to move, as though her feet had decided there was no use in running anymore.
“I did want that. I had convinced myself so thoroughly that it was all I needed – a sensible arrangement, a willing woman who understood the terms, and nothing messy between us. No inconvenient feelings. No risk.” He exhaled slowly. “I thought I had it all perfectly planned out.”
“And yet here you stand,” Penelope said, hating how unsteady her own voice sounded, “Telling me otherwise.”
“I am standing here,” he continued, his gaze unwavering as his voice dropped, becoming soft and quiet, as though the words were far too important to be spoken carelessly. “Because I got to know you. Every moment we spent together – arguing, laughing, the truce we struck and then inevitably broke – every single one of those moments made me feel more. More than I had bargained for, more than I had ever felt before, and considerably more than I knew what to do with.”
He let out a short, rueful sound that was almost a laugh. “You were not supposed to happen to me, Penelope. I had not accounted for you.”
She swallowed hard, ignoring the ache in the back of her throat as she continued to listen to the words that left his lips. She continued to let them ravage her heart and make a home for themselves in her head.
“And I cannot imagine living without you. I have tried. I spent the better part of a week doing nothing but trying. And I found that I had no interest in managing it.” His eyes searched hers. “I don't want to try.”
For a long moment, Penelope said nothing. She was aware of the heat pressing behind her eyes and the treacherous flutter in her chest that she had tried for weeks to silence. She had told herself – firmly, repeatedly, on more than one sleepless night – that she would not be the sort of woman who crumbled simply because aman said something beautiful to her. She had been disappointed before. She knew better.
And yet.
“Then why,” she said, hating the slight tremor in her voice, “Did it take you so long? If you felt all of this, why did you not come sooner? Why did you not go to Lionel –” She stopped, pressing her fingers briefly to her lips before dropping her hand again. “Why did you wait so long to say any of this?”
Cecil was quiet for a few seconds, and she feared it had truly been too good to be true, that she had perhaps found the flaw in this bravado he had presented. But there was no deflection in his gaze, no escape to hide behind the cool armour she had grown so accustomed to seeing on him. All that was before her was him in as much honesty as he could muster, open and a little raw.
“Because I tried,” he said. “I went to your estate every morning for a week.”
Penelope’s jaw dropped. “You – what?”
“Every morning. At an hour I had been repeatedly told was far too early to be calling on anyone.” A ghost of a smile touched his mouth. “Your brother turned me away each time. And I cannot blame him for it. He was right to do so. I had failed as his friend and I had hurt his sister and he owed me nothing – certainly not his goodwill. He was protecting you, as he should. As any good brother would. I have done the same for my own sisters and I am well acquainted with what it feels like to be the one keepingsomeone out. Being on the other side of it is considerably less comfortable.”
A sound escaped her – half a laugh, half something she quickly pressed down.
“Lionel turned you away,” she murmured, more to herself than to him, wondering how her brother had kept it from her the whole time.
Every morning, Lionel greeted her with a smile and ensured that she was in high spirits, and she felt thankful for him during each moment. She did not realize he was doing much more than that.
