That fucking lump in my throat is back and I’m sick of it finding its way back there.When I find Black, that’s the first thing I’m ripping from his body.His throat.All this fucking emotion is making me crazy.
I want us to heal as a family.
I want to fuck my girlfriend without fearing it’s the last time I’ll have her.
I want us to enjoy life again without this thunderstorm hovering over us constantly.
“Because she loves you.You’ve done no more for her, Jax.I know I’ve not had the best advice in the past,” I pause, thinking about it, and realise I’m wrong.“Well, actually, I don’t think this is advice as what I’m about to say is a fact.But when you’re both ready to go home, Lily will be okay becauseyou are.And if she never wants to go back there, it won’t matter to her how much she loves the place because home is where ever you and Rose are.She’s strong.Really strong.”
He nods, but I can still see the heaviness in his shoulders.It’s pulling him down.“She’s stronger than she realises sometimes.”
“How has she been doing?Is she speaking to that therapist about the baby?”I question.
His eyebrows rise up in surprise.“You were listening?”
I shrug, ducking my head.I had been worried about him one day when he left abruptly through the back.I followed so he wasn’t alone.My head had gone back to the call he got during Lily’s attack, which I know is where his mind goes every time his phone rings.He pales and his eyes are wild whenever it goes off.It makes me want to smash it against the wall.I knew it was Lily that day by how soft his voice was, and when I was about to go back inside, I heard him ask if she spoke about the baby.I put two and two together.
“I left as soon as I realised you were talking to Lily.I just happened to overhear that bit.”
He watches me for a moment longer, his expression softening in a way a proud father would look at their son.“She blamed herself for miscarrying, but she had no idea she was even pregnant.She...Fuck man.It broke her.At the hospital, before she checked out, she was hysterical.None of us could calm her down.She kept begging me to forgive her, and I just...”
“Hey, you can talk to me,” I tell him when he can’t continue.I’ve never seen him like this, struggling for words.He’s always been so sure, so unapologetic, but right now, he looks guilty as sin.I know I’m not Wyatt or Eli, but I’m here for him.Always.
“In the hospital, when she kept begging me to forgive her,” he begins, gulping.He peers down at the desk, unable to meet my gaze.“I wanted to tell her that I was glad it was just the baby and not her.It sickens me, but I can’t...”He meets my gaze.“I can’t live without her.I don’t want to.”
My brows pinch together.“Well, yeah.She’s your Lily.”
Her snorts, pinching his eyebrows.When he meets my gaze again, his eyes aren’t as murky or as lost as they were before.“Reid, I don’t think you get it.I basically said I’m glad our baby died.I thought it.And she had been begging me to forgive her when I should be on my knees, pleading with her to forgive me.”
I shake my head as realisation hits me of where his head is at.“Jax, I know what you said.It doesn’t sound crazy to me, and you don’t need forgiving at all.If Summer had to fight for her life, or risk her life by trying to save a cluster of cells in her womb, then I would want Summer to pick herself too.But this wasn’t a choice for any of you guys, so I don’t know if that helps.”
And now I’m picturing Summer pregnant with our child, and instead of freaking out and breaking out in hives, it makes me inwardly smile.Because I’ll have that now.I’ll have that with her.And it doesn’t sound horrific anymore.
“Doesn’t make it right,” he growls.
“Okay, let’s put it this way.If it was between Rose and Lily, would you prefer it to be one over the other?”I question but don’t wait for him to speak because I already know the answer.“No, because they both mean the world to you.And you are missing the point.If Lily were to protect the foetus instead of fearlessly fighting for herself, neither would have been here.You wouldn’t be here.Only one person is to blame, and we both know he won’t feel an ounce of guilt.If either you or Lily could change what happened that day, it would be that none of it happened.It wouldn’t be about whether she fought back or not.”
“That’s basically what the therapist is saying, and Lily is slowing starting to absorb our words, but it doesn’t make the grief any easier.”
“Why would it?I don’t think there’s a cure, Jax.Maybe once all this has been dealt with, we could plant a tree in the graveyard for the baby.I don’t know what the right thing is here, but would giving them a unisex name be insensitive?If it were me, I would want to name them, to acknowledge the life that was wanted, even if I didn’t know about them before.”
He doesn’t say anything for the longest moment and I begin to think I said the wrong thing.
“Ignore me.I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t think I say this enough, but I am so goddamn proud of you, but lately...”he swallows audibly, his eyes still wide.“You are a different person.”
I laugh it off.“Oh, that’s Summer.She’s good for me.It seems everything I try I’m insanely good at.I think I relationship better than you guys.”
“Oh, I won’t argue with that, but she’s not the reason.You’ve always had this side to you.You just hid it really well behind sarcasm and dirty innuendoes.”He slides the chair closer to the desk, and this time when I meet his gaze, I find his eyes watering with unshed tears.“Thank you.Thank you for bringing that idea to me because I never would have thought to do that.I’ve just been feeling so lost, weighed down by needing to be everywhere that I didn’t really stop to think about anything else.”
I shrug, playing it off, when really, I begin to wish I had headed straight to the supply room.“Someone has probably already suggested it, so I wouldn’t go throwing praise around.”
He shakes his head.“No, they haven’t.And when I bring it up to Lily later, I will let her know who suggested it.”
“Please don’t.It’s nothing.”
He rolls his eyes, but then gets that look he gets when I’m about to get a lecture.“I like Summer.”
