“Did you now?” I asked, my skin pebbling under the tickle of his stubble. “How much?”
“Enough that I learned that I don’t want us to be apart forso long again.” My heart stuttered at his words. He looked into my eyes and said, “I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I want to be with you always. I’ve never been more sure about anything before.” I could hear his heart knocking against his ribs. “Please tell me you feel the same way?”
“I—I feel the same about you,” I said, my voice catching. I didn’t know why the lie made my lungs constrict.Is it a lie?a small voice in my head asked. I wasn’t so sure.
The blood pounded in my ears and a hot flush rose up my skin. What was happening to me?
Tarben’s face radiated happiness, which quickly dimmed into concern for whatever he saw in my expression. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I said. “Just feeling a little faint all of a sudden.” It wasn’t entirely a fabrication—Iwasfeeling ill, and I suspected I knew the cause.
“Then let’s get you to bed,” he said. He gathered me up in his arms and carried me to the bed. Gently, he laid me down and tucked me under the covers. He took a seat on the bed and felt my forehead. “You’re flushed,” he frowned. “Should I get a healer?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t need the healer, just a good night’s rest.”
He smoothed my hair away from my face. “Alright. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”
I swallowed, hating myself for my next words. “Could you… hold me?”
His eyebrows rose but he didn’t protest. Wordlessly, he kicked off his boots and climbed in the bed behind me. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulled me in close. “Better?” he said into my ear. The feel of his heart racing against my back was like a ticking clock, every beat bringing me closer to the full moon.
Ignoring it, I focused on timing my breathing to his. In andout. In and out.
“Much,” I said, resting my hands on top of his and nestling into his cocoon of muscle and warmth. I could tell myself this was all part of the act. That this was just another calculated move to get him to confess his love. But that would be a lie, and lying wasn’t much of a game when you were the only one playing.
Ididwant him to hold me. I wanted it more than I was willing to admit to myself. I really had missed him and I wanted him close.
But why?
The only explanation was not a good one. And frankly, it terrified me. Still, I couldn’t stop the words that spilled out of my mouth next: “Will you stay with me tonight?”
A sharp inhale of breath, and then, “Of course.”
My own thundering heart felt lighter. How was it possible to feel this happy in someone’s arms and, at the same time, completely wretched?
I was a damned fool, and I should have known better. I knew there was no future for us. There couldn’t be, not when my task took precedence over whatever feelings had rooted in my heart and spread like vines of ivy. Despite my best efforts to eradicate them, they only flourished, threatening to irrevocably alter my foundation.
Tarben and I were doomed by fate. Fate, who had cruelly dangled him in front of me, only to mock me with its plans. He was a test sent to challenge me, to unravel me. A test I was only ever destined to fail.
He interrupted my thoughts. “What are you thinking about?”
“I was wishing I could have more nights like these, with you,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
“I’ll stay with you for as many nights as you’ll have me, darling.” His warm breath against the back of my neck sent ashiver of pleasure up my spine.
Damn me to confinement, I really was a fool.
***
We stayed up late into the night, talking. Tarben told me about his time away at the border, and I told him about the unbelievable turn of events while he was gone. He listened in awe when I told him about saving Hugo, he seethed when I told him about Hansen, (“I’ll have words with that bastard,” he swore), he became alarmed when I recounted what happened with the beasts, and he held me close when I told him about Runa.
We were lying chest to chest when he said, “I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. I wish I had been here to protect you.”
Tracing circles on his muscular arm, I said, “It’s alright. I’m tougher than I look.”
The corners of his mouth curled upwards. “Oh, I’ve got no doubt about that. Still, for my own peace of mind, I’m going to have some of my best guards assigned to you.”
I shook my head. There was no way I would spend what remained of my time in Solvardunn being trailed by guards. “Absolutely not.”
