I can feel his weight in my arms, how cold he is. There’s no footsteps leading to the cabin, only Lennox’s further ahead.
“I’m sorry.” I kiss his cheek. “I was coming back. I was always going to come back.”
Lifting him higher to combat the cold, I lay his head on my shoulder and cover his little face with my cheek.
“We were supposed to put the jigsaw together. Find your favorite color. I think it was going to be green because you always picked the green butterflies first. You’re going to make the most beautiful butterfly, one with all the colors. Huge wings.You’ll never be in the dirt again. I’ll find Xanthe and Jasper so they know you’re a butterfly too.”
My throat is closing up, eyes swelling as I continue whispering every thought, every feeling I’ll never be able to tell him again.
“I love you. So fucking much. You will always be my best friend, okay? No one else. You’ll always be my kid. No one will ever take that away from me. You keep flying away, far away from everyone.”
A part of me will forever be broken. Revenge won’t give it back. Mourning someone who made their mistakes is easier than the loss of someone innocent who never had an opportunity to even know who they are. This grief is layered, each more painful than the last.
Who could he have been if he wasn’t born in this place?
What would his laugh sound like if it was free?
How many dimples would he have if he was ever given the opportunity to smile?
How much pain had he seen in his short life that he was so accepting of death?
How many seconds robbed me of him?
Would it be different if I spent less time watching Delilah sleep? Or if I didn’t give in to my bodily desires?
There has to be something to pinpoint the catalyst of my life altering.
I hold his hand how he liked when he would go to sleep as I whisper, “No one can hurt you now. Go to sleep, Kid.”
Numbness settles into my limbs as I keep swaying from side to side so slowly it barely disturbs the air. I don’t know if it’s the cold or something deep inside me, but I can’t feel anything.
I don’t know how long I remain in place for when the clunks of earth being moved stops. The sun is brighter as I look up,which feels wrong. Why is the sun shining during the darkest fucking moment in history?
“Little shadow?” Lennox whispers through the fog of my grief. Which is also wrong. Nothing should take precedence over Kid. Not a voice or the weather.
“It’s ready,” he says. He walks over to me, then lowers to his haunches, arms outstretched for my boy.
“No.” I hug him tighter. “He gets scared when he’s alone. He can’t sleep unless I hold his hand.” My cheeks thaw under the heat of my tears as I blink. “I won’t be able to hold his hand.”
The air fogs in thick lines as he harshly breathes through his nose. But his voice is still soft as he says, “You don’t need to hold his hand anymore.”
“Then he won’t be able to hold my hand and—” I clear my throat. “And I won’t know if he’s okay.”
“He’ll be okay, little shadow.” Lennox cups my face, laying his other hand over Kid’s hand in mine. “No one will be able to hurt him.” There’s no cryptic warning or riddle for me to decipher. Not now when he clearly says, “If we don’t do this now, they will find him. You will be served his body, so let go of him here.” He places his hand on my chest. “Not here.”
36
DELILAH
Peaceful isn’t the correct word to describe the atmosphere as I lay face-down in the middle of the bed with the soft call of the birds filtering through the open window. I turn, staring without any motivation to move.
There’s a piece of paper poking out from under the bag. I check the door then quickly climb out of bed, grabbing my hoodie on the way to the window to snatch the paper up. The bag is open, filled with small paper roses. They roll in the breeze as I gently lift the sheet of paper from underneath the bag, revealing Kane’s neat scrawl filling the page.
Koukla mou. My strong, beautiful wife.
I respect you.
I adore you.
