I didn’t.
My need for pain, to hide I’m weak isn’t the fucking reason he’s not here.
But the sink is pulled from the wall.
And shards of porcelain scatter against the floor.
And water spurts from the exposed pipe.
There’s still no blade.
Losing the battle with my stomach, I fold in half as I hold the wall. Bile burns up the back of my throat, my nose stings, my tears mix with my vomit. None of it, fucking nothing at all compares to the reality of Kid not being here.
When my stomach is empty, I cup my hand in front of the broken pipe and wash my face, resolved in the decision I’ve made. My body moves strangely, like time has stopped, increasing the gravitational force as I walk into the room, staring at the small indent on the pillow.
He’s never going to lay on that pillow or sit in the chair while I cut his hair. I stand on it now, desecrating the memory of how he quietly waited for me to do his hair as I pull my belt free then hook it over one of the exposed pipes. My hand movesmechanically until I’ve formed a noose, the small indent on the pillow blurring as I push my head into the loop.
“I’m sorry, Kid.” Then I step forward, into the air. “I’m sorry, Delilah.” I choke.
The guilt weighing my body down works in my favor as dark spots pull pieces of Kid away. The recording plays on a loop, providing his giggles as I continue choking. The drop isn’t severe enough to kill me straight away, so I’m forced to hear how deeply I fucked up as I wait for it to end with all my fucking wrongs plaguing me. Life is supposed to flash before my eyes, replaying happy memories, achievements. All I’ve fucking achieved is hurting the two people who didn’t deserve it.
“You’re my first friend.”Kid’s voice echoes around the fucking room as I will my body to die quicker so that can be the last thing I hear instead of how I let him down.
The heavy steel door slams as pressure builds behind my eyes. Just as I’m about to pass out, my weight is pulled up.
“Not like this, little shadow. Not here.”
I try to kick out of Lennox’s arms but my body is depleted, and he manages to lift me out of the loop of the belt. I drop my weight down, sinking to the floor as sob after fucking sob roll out of me. Different waves of grief and guilt, washing over each other, getting bigger with each pull.
Lennox follows me down, wrapping his arms around me, muffling my cries as he pulls me into his chest like I’m a fucking child.
“Shhh, I’m here,” he whispers.
“Let me go.”
“Not here.”
“I fucked up.”
“Don’t talk.” He reaches to the side, turning off the recording before Rowan’s voice can come through.
35
KANE
“Let me see him.” I sniffle. “He gets scared when he’s by himself.”
“Okay,” Lennox whispers. “I’ll take you to him.”
I thought I felt grief when Asher died. This indescribable chasm opened up in my chest and forever altered me because the one person who was part of me had been taken away. But without Kid, I don’t want to exist. Without Kid, every breath is a battle. I would happily kill the entire population to bring him back, regardless of their innocence or whether it was deserved.
There’s a different weight to this grief with all the questions bearing down on me. I could have saved him. If I came back straight away, he would still be here. If I told Lennox to go fuck himself, he would still be here.
My promise was bullshit. He knew it. If I made him see how sincere I was, that I wasn’t leaving him, then he wouldn’t have chosen death because he would know I was coming back. He would know what he means to me.
I fucked up, like I always do. Now my punishment is worse than anything I’ve ever experienced as Lennox guides me to the captives’ room.
Kid is naked and alone—two things he should never be.
