“Yeah, Kid. I’d love to be your friend.”
He jumps up, wrapping his arms around my neck. There’s no stiffness as I catch him and he keeps his legs flat down my body, so I slowly walk around the room as I rest my cheek on the back of his head. Rubbing circles on his back, I close my eyes, imagining we’re not in this place. His hair tickles my lips, but I don’t stop hugging him because it’s formycomfort.
Kid rubs my shoulder as he asks, “Do you want to talk to Delilah again?”
“Do you?” I counter.
He nods, pulling back to look at me as he presses his hands flat to my cheeks, pushing them in so I make a fish face. “Show her this, so she can guess what you are.”
I keep him in my arms as I walk into the bathroom to collect my phone from my bag then sit in the corner furthest from the door. The battery is on thirty percent, so I can’t use the filtershe likes as I load the camera then turn it to record while he gets comfortable on my thigh.
“No butterflies,” he whispers, pointing at the screen.
“Not today, Kid.”
There’s so much sadness on his face even though he doesn’t argue. Fuck it. I’ll let it die. Lennox hasn’t removed the block for me to be able to use it fully anyway.
As soon as I swipe onto the frame with the butterflies, his little face lights up. He maneuvers his head around them, picking a new favorite for the day—a bright orange monarch butterfly with thick black strips separating the wings, soft yellows and whites dotted around the edges.
“Hello, Delilah. I’m Kid.” He waves, parroting how I start my videos as he points at me. “Kane loves you a lot, and he’s my friend.”
“I love you too,” I whisper into his hair. He does that shy nod thing he always does.
“You love Delilah lots. You miss her, and you always look at her picture.”
“Yeah, I do,” I admit. “She’s funny and clever.”
It turns into an interview as he grabs my phone to ask, “What do you love the most about her?” He forces his eye into the frame so he can watch.
“How strong she is, and talented. And how those things are just for her.”
“Did she teach you things?” he asks, focused on a different butterfly.
“Yeah…”Some things aren’t appropriate for little ears.“She taught me what love is, how to play the piano, and charades.”
He shakes his head, bringing the phone closer to his face as he whispers, “He’s not very good. You have to teach him better.”
I tickle him, playfully hissing, “Oh, yeah? Who said I’m not good?”
I freeze when he giggles. Actually fucking giggles. I start again to hear more as he continues softly laughing, rolling into my chest to get away. I catch my phone before he drops it and lock the screen to conserve the battery. “Are you going to say it again?” I ask, lifting him above my head.
His eyes are lighter, smile wider—his dimple is fully out.
“You’re lucky you’re my best friend, Kid. I’ll let you get away with giving my secrets away.” I slowly right him. “Do you want to get a shower before bed?”
The smile vanishes like it always does when he has to shower or use the bathroom. I don’t push him as I stand then get him in bed without untucking the sheets. When he’s trapped in place, I lay on the floor in my usual place next to his bed, holding my hand up, ready for him as he stretches out.
The next part of my routine is simple as I hold Delilah’s photo in front of my face. It’s a different one than the other nights. In this, she’s looking at me. Not Asher or Ghost, but she’s actually looking atme. I don’t recognize the sixteen-year-old with their arm around my girl. They have too much life in their eyes. I’d give anything to be able to go back in time to warn both of us.
Kid’s hand slowly slips in mine as he drifts off, so I reposition it so it’s not at an awkward angle. Waiting until he’s in deep sleep, I gently rub my thumb against the back of his hand as I silently tell my wife,“I don’t know what I’ll have to do to get out of here. I’m doing it for the four of us. Please don’t hate me for it. You’re going to find our baby. I’ll bring Kid home with me. You’re going to love him. I thought loving you was easy, but him? You might have some competition, pretty girl. He’s clever as fuck and obsessed with butterflies. I keep thinking about how big his smile will be when he finally sees one without a screen. How you’ll be the type of protective he needs, silently workingin the background like you did with me because you know we’re the type of people who hate attention.”
I slowly sit up as I kiss the middle of Kid’s palm then gently lay his hand on top of the sheets. With the view of past-Delilah and Kid in front of me, I can see my future with one more faceless teenager. We’ll do normal shit like have movie nights where Delilah refuses to share her chocolate with me, so I’ll have to get the kids to take it from her. They’ll snitch on me while they do it because they know their mother is in charge.
Right now, I need to keep breathing. The only way to do that is with pain, so I leave Kid on the bed as I quietly go into the bathroom. There’s an excitement to what I’m going to do. It makes my fingers tingle. It’s not until I’m sitting with my ankle resting on my knee, blade between my fingertips, I can breathe without any weight pressing down on me.
Kid jumpson my back as I do push-ups, clearly bored of copying me. He’s been awake for hours and we’ve run out of things we can act out for charades since my phone is dead, so I ask, “Count them for me?”
He sits cross-legged in the middle of my back, counting each repetition as I lower to the floor then extend my arms to push myself up.
