My tears don’t stop. Such a stupid emotion, serving exactly zero purposes other than making my eyes and cheeks sore. I’m not hiding in the bathroom like I did throughout my childhood. Instead of being alone in my misery, trying to quickly get the tears out so my body is depleted in front of my parents, I let them fall as Kane holds my hand.
He listened to me. Actually listened to me. For the first time in my life, I know what’s going on. Better than that, I’ve been allowed to say what I need to without being shut up or told I’m crazy. I lean against him, holding his hand even harder as the waves get louder.
His lips brush the top of my head as he whispers, “Delilah, my head is fucked up.”
“Mine too.” I nod, sniffling.
“I want to believe you.” He sighs as I hold my breath. “But it doesn’t take away the image of you on the night that means so much to me.”
“You don’t have to believe me. Thank you for listening to me though. No one’s done that before.”
He refuses to look at me and I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to look at me either, not now. So I weakly admit, “It means a lot to me too. I never told you why I was alone that night.”
“Why?”
“I wanted to know what it would be like to disappear, so I stood there, imagining what would happen if I copied Ruby and Scarlet. The parties would still go on, my parents would make an excuse like they did with my sisters, but…” I shrug, picking at the cut edge of the chiffon floating against my thigh. “I wouldn’t be there.”
I don’t tell him how I thought my only options were to find Ruby or kill myself. I wasn’t suicidal. It was a fleeting thought when I felt trapped, before I realized I’d lose Kane if I left.
“She’s telling the truth,” he softly mumbles to himself. “She is.”
He never used to talk to himself before, but he keeps doing it. First the screaming, then the way he was zoning out while he pinned me down, now it’s like he’s having a conversation with someone I can’t see.
“Kane?” I gently lay my hand on his chest.
He stares at my hand, slowly blinking as tears cling to his bottom lashes, turning them spiky. “My head’s fucked. I can’t work out what’s a lie or the truth anymore.” I flinch as he roughly punches his temple with the side of his fist. “I’ve spent so long alone I don’t know who I am. As a ghost, I had a purpose. As Kane…I’m weak.”
“You’re not. When you get hit you know you’re going down, you can watch those marks heal. When someone unleashes the same violence on your mind, it creates different branches, and you’re never confident in yourself. I remember now though. I’ll help you.”
Shaking his head knocks the tears loose. His voice is even lower, strained as he explains, “I’ve spent too long on my own.In here?” He punches the side of his head again. “It’s broken. I can’t be around other people, but I can’t be on my own because thethingcausing the damage is in here.”
His face twists in disgust as I try to wipe his tears away. I don’t let him ignore me as I cup his face with both hands, forcing him to look at me. “I won’t let you be alone. We’ll keep playing this game in front of Helene. Then we’ll make her pay for it all.”
“You remembered?”
“Everything.” I nod. “She’s the reason foreverything, Kane. Your mom wouldn’t speak to her, so she made my family move to be in your lives. She took my baby out of my arms.”
“Wait, you had the baby?”
I lower my voice as I lean closer to him. “Yeah, it was so cute and it smelled like…I don’t know the smell, but it was like everything good in the world. There’s still some fuzzy parts so I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl, but I held them. They had rosy cheeks with loads of fine hair.” My fingers dig into his nape as I drag him closer. “That fucking bitch took them.”
“You’ll hold them again,” he whispers, kissing the top of my head. “Keep telling me things—keep me here—and I’ll make sure you hold them again.”
I remind him of everything that’s happened to us. Each piece of information makes him stare wide-eyed even though we both lived through it.
“Solitary always fucks with my perception of time.” He breathes deeply, staring off into the distance.
I’ve never thought about what prison was like for him. Maybe it’s my willful ignorance or selfishness. Now I do as I watch him shakily breathe. Tears slip between his closed lashes, but I remain silent, laying my head on his shoulder and kissing his jaw. “You’re not alone anymore. I promise I’ll stay here with you.”
The most peacefulsleep in my life was on a window ledge with a collar around my neck and metal between my thighs. If I don’t laugh, I’m definitely crazy.
I stand in the bathroom, lifting the dress away from the surprisingly comfortable medieval chastity belt tied around my waist and looping between my legs. I don’t know if it’s hygienic to wear or how I’ll pee without it running down my leg. Fuck me, I have so many problems but I’m focusing on peeing. Totally normal.
There’s a thud in the room behind me, then Kane’s shout dulled by the glass. “Delilah!”
I run out of the bathroom, uncaring about the pain. My foot gets caught on the heavy drapes as I brush them aside while he stares down at the rocks.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, peering over the edge.
