“Luna?” I whisper, resting my chin on her shoulder.
“No. Scarlet. My first baby. I told you I remember her.” Her tears slowly drip as she remains unblinking, ghosting the tip of her finger over their features. “Scarlet. She was so beautiful. Look how big her eyes are.”
“Take it. She’s ours.”
She pats her hoodie pocket with her wrist, checking there’s no blood staining the fabric before she delicately slips the polaroid into her pocket. She carefully moves the other photos out of the way to search for more as I keep my lips on her pulse point, reminding myself her heart is beating through her grief. She sniffles, pulling another photo out. “This is Luna.”
I look at the photo of the tiny baby. Her skin is nearly translucent, but there’s no pink. She’s tiny and pale with barely any hair. There’s no swaddle either, only a knit blanket loosely over her as she lays on something.
“I…I don’t know her eye color,” Delilah shakily whispers.
“It’s okay. She’s with her big sister, waiting for us.” I gently hold her wrist to add the photo to her pocket. Then protectively place my hand on her lower stomach as I close my eyes.
I didn’t know they existed until after the fact. I didn’t build hope as I watched her belly grow or think of names. Yet those thoughts don’t disappear. They turn into what ifs. It’s like I’m mourning the loss of the joy of knowing they exist at the same time as mourning them.
Grief is standing in the middle of the ocean, hoping the waves don’t go above my head. Sometimes they gently rock against my body, sometimes they’re angrier and push everything away. Now it’s still. That’s disconcerting too because my footing isn’t even. It’s tiring to constantly battle to remain afloat when all I want to do is sink.
Delilah manages to come up for air faster than I can, like she’s tamed those waves. With a watery laugh, she reaches into the drawer. “Baby Lenny. He’s cute.”
“It could be Rowan.” That literal motherfucker is not fucking cute. He’s a twisted cunt who should’ve been killed as soon as he was born.
“No, look, your mom is holding his hand. I can tell by his eyes, the same way I could with you and Asher.” Ignoring the baby sitting on the floor with his chubby hand in front of him, I focus on my mom. She looks so young yet the sadness in her eyes is still there like she was born with it. Delilah hands it to me as she says, “You look like your mom.”
Because it’s impossible for me to look like my dad’s side of the family when biologically it’s the same gene pool. I don’t have two branches on my family tree, it’s one. A dot, a stain on existence. I still place the photo in Delilah’s pocket as we free our family from Helene’s grasp while she looks through more photos.
“Wait?” she gasps. “Is that your dad with Lenny?”
“Yeah, they went to college together.”
“They all look so young and happy. Your mom is in this one. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile like this.”
I take it from her, narrowing my eyes at Lennox’s unfamiliar features staring back at me. “Ishefucking smiling?”
“I told you he’s like us,” she whispers, leaning into my chest. “He lost a lot too.”
Kissing the top of her head, I pull her into me as I close Helene’s trophy cabinet of what she managed to steal from everyone. She wraps her arms around me as I whisper, “My strong wife. I know this is hard and you’re thinking about the drugs, but I’m so fucking proud of you.”
87
DELILAH
“Ihaven’t done anything,” I weakly mumble into Kane’s chest as guilt bears down on me.
“You saved us,” he says with conviction as he guides me out of the bedroom. “Don’t diminish yourself. I’m proud of you, I’ll always be proud of you.”
We stop at the end of the hallway in front of the large floor-to-ceiling window, watching Daigon dangle my grandmother over the edge of the cliff as he takes a chocolate bar out of his backpack. There’s no strain on his face as he looks into the dying sun and bites into it, then holds it out to my upside-down grandmother.
“If you asked me to describe who Ruby ends up with, it wouldn’t be him,” Kane whispers, shaking his head.
“They’re cute together and she’s so happy.”
We walk through the house with Helene’s muffled whimpers in the background. There’s still a current of fear where she’s concerned despite her being restrained. I’m so accustomed to thinking I’ve bested her, only for her guards to demolish it, that I don’t believe this isn’t a dream.
Leaning up on my toes, I kiss his chin as I get an idea. “Wait here.”
He narrows his eyes at me, but he doesn’t listen as he follows me out of the house. Daigon looks over his shoulder at me with his chocolate caught between his teeth.
“Can you help me with something?” I ask.
