“I think that’s nice,” I whisper. “Even in this place, you find a way to have comfort.”
“Hmm, it might be. Jasper is a father now. He watches the younger ones like Xan did for him. I think you’re like me, you don’t want to help other people.”
“Thank you.” I look at her, catching the small smile on her lips she tries to hide. “I think being like you would make me stronger than I am.”
She watches me, that armor of violence she carries cracking a little as she whispers, “You’re from outside?” Narrowing her eyes at me, she leans closer to stare at every point of my face. “You are. Why are you here?”
“I don’t know,” I admit.
I’ve never said anything truer. I don’t know why Helene sent me here. I did everything she wanted. Helene knew what it was like to be me—abandoned by everyone—so we had each other as long as I was obedient. But I’m here, and I don’t know how to complete the task correctly in order to leave.
Nova’s anger gives way for curiosity as she asks me different questions aboutoutside, each one highlighting the true horror of where I am. I was wrong thinking it was a club—this is a world within a world, depravity hidden from the masses because children only know what they’re taught, and this child doesn’t even know what the sun feels like.
“I’ve heard about it,” she whispers. “Jasper said it’s warm. Sometimes it makes his skin change color.”
67
KANE
The illusion of choice is how Delilah described Asher. It’s what I have now as I watch Sasha sleep in the empty house we’ve been staying in under the dim glow of the streetlights filtering through the grimy windows. Her cheek is on my shoulder, and her small snores are muffled by the thick skin covering her face. She snorts, waking herself up with a fright.
I can’t help my laugh when she looks around the space like anyone else is responsible for the sound. “You scared yourself with your own snoring again, little one,” I whisper. The snoring started after 798 punched her in the face, so she needs time to get used to it. Now she’s awake, I ask, “Do you have family?”
I bring a cigarette to my lips, leaning to the side to provide myself the illusion the secondhand smoke isn’t reaching her.
“An aunt and an uncle, but they’re dead.” She yawns, stretching as she leans further into me to go back to sleep. “They weren’t nice like you.”
“They hurt you?”
“They didn’t feed me.” She shakes her head, tilting the mask on her face. “You made me food.”
“You’re the only one who would miss her,”Asher whispers at my other side as I take in another drag of smoke.
He doesn’t understand that’s the problem.Iwill miss her. I’ll know I’ve killed someone else that I got close to. Three years of making her masks, watching her while she sleeps, comforting her when she’s scared doesn’t just go away. Over time, she’s worked her crazy into the empty spot that always craved a family. If it wasn’t for Sasha, I’d be dead. She’s kept me human by allowing me to keep Delilah’s memory alive, so I can’t kill her.
A car door slams, dragging my attention past the torn drapes covering the filthy windows as a woman walks into a bakery like she does every night in this shithole neighborhood. The most obscure places always serve the best food, so I’m going to miss that bakery when this job is complete. I kiss the top of Sasha’s head without looking away from the window. “I love you, little one. Thank you for staying with me.”
She’s fallen back to sleep.
Resting my head on the wall, I use the smoke to remind me to breathe. My tears don’t fall, but I can feel them building, altering the taste of the nicotine.
“See, being a big brother isn’t easy, is it?”the smug fuck says.
“Fuck you.”
“Look at the good little reflection becoming worse than his horrible monster of a big brother. Poor Kane.”He laughs.“No one knew you like I did. You didn’t even know yourself until I showed you. I knew you were worse than me. It’s why I took Delilah away from you because you will never deserve her. Now, you’re going to hurt the one person who was stupid enough to help you. Do you think Sasha will know it was you in her final moments? Is she going to regret saving your life when 4 put a gun to your head?”
“Shut the fuck up. She won’t die.”
“She will. If she’s lucky. Or you’ll give her to the Wards, and they’ll torture her for information on Rowan like you planned to.”
I stub the cigarette out beside his knee, singeing the threadbare carpet, filling the room with that disgusting, stale scent as I kiss Sasha’s crown. “I’m sorry you only have me to miss you.”
I slowly slide her with my hand under her head then gently lay her on the floor. There’s no blanket to cover her, so I take off my hoodie to lay over her small body. Fuck, I’m going to miss her crazy ass. I’ve never seen her face without a mask, but I’m still going to miss seeing her, hearing her voice, listening to her crazy shit, and having her with me. Using the tip of my finger, I move her hair away from her face as I silently say goodbye.
I love you, crazy pants. This is going to be easier if I don’t know your real face so you can’t haunt me. I don’t know what you’ve been through to make you crazier than me. I’m going to tell myself it’s your personality to stop the guilt. But I love you. We won’t be able to celebrate hitting a milestone number like you wanted. I’m doing it alone. Every single number I add will be done with the thought of you. I’ll take their faces like you’re still next to me, and I’ll miss you more with the scent of blood in the air.
My heart beats slower as I walk through the dusty remains of what was once someone’s family home. My hands move on instinct to lift my hood, meeting the cold air as I leave through the side door, walking through the overgrowth between the houses until I reach the car of the woman in the bakery.
