How many people are like me? Like Lennox?
Is the guy running in a suit afraid of his memories too?
Or the woman who flinches when he gets too close to her?
There’s a memory of a conversation I had with my mom during one of her rare moments of openness as I catch my reflection in the glass when we drive through a tunnel.
“To be human is to go on,”she said. I never understood what it meant. When I asked her, she repeated it.“To be human is to go on.”
I think I understand it now. To be human is to continue living by any means necessary. It’s to hide all the darkest parts of ourselves. Bury those memories, thoughts, and feelings until you resemble something that fits into society. Both the victim and the perpetrator hide in plain sight.
As we turn into the underground garage, I see Niko standing across from the hotel. He has a cigarette dangling between his lips, his phone to his ear. I should’ve known he’d turn up early considering his need to act like he’s my protector, but my eyes widen when Scarlet steps out of the car. She rolls her shoulders, pulling her coat tighter around herself, trapping her dark hair in the collar.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
It took a very doctored audio file for her to stop asking questions about Delilah. If she’s spoken to Ruby, she’s not going to believe shit I say. There’s not really a delicate way to say her baby sister is trapped on an unknown island by my grandmother/biological mother. Or even any way to begin to explain how it’s genetically possible without my head exploding in the process.
When the car stops, I get out without waiting for Lennox or listening to his bullshit conversation with the driver. The concierge holds the elevator open, and I try to lose my uncle as I get in, but he keeps the doors open for him. Lennox listened to our conversation last time, so he’ll know Scarlet is here, then he’ll report it back to his abusive brother.
“Do you need to stop for the bathroom?” He looks at my twitching legs.
“No. Why don’t you go? Do whatever you need to do. I’ll be fine here.” Fuck, I sound panicked.
He can hear it too as he assesses me, his eyes slightly narrowing. My heart lurches as he hits the control panel, abruptly stopping the elevator as he asks, “Did you disregard my advice, little shadow?”
I can’t breathe with the prospect of more guilt being added to my shoulders. Delilah will hate me even more than she should already if anything happens to her sister. I can’t lose her when I haven’t even got her back yet, so I beg, “Can I trust you? Really trust you?”
“Yes.”
For fuck’s sake, I can’t tell if he’s lying.
He slowly steps in front of me as he lowers his head so we’re eye to eye. “Sometimes places can hold memories. There won’t be a repeat of what happened the last time we were here. He’s safe. They don’t know where we buried him.”
“Don’t.” I move back, curling my hands into fists. “I need you to hide, okay? That’s it. I don’t need you talk about shit or fucking remind me of it.”
I can’t fucking breathe.
The elevator is getting smaller, and I can’t fucking breathe.
The corner brushes my back, my sides, fucking touching me when I’m not moving. I have to hold my knees to stop myself falling, but I still can’t breathe.
There’s nothing around my neck.
Why the fuck does it feel like I’m choking when there’s nothing around my neck?
Lennox gently lays his gloved hand on my back, rubbing slow circles. “It’s okay, little shadow. You’ve been strong for a long time now.”
I shake my head as I drag in the hardest breath of my life.
“You have,” he urges. “You hid your humanity like you needed to.”
I keep shaking my head.
“He can’t see you in here. You can be Kane Xandros again.”
My jaw quivers at the sound of my name, and he abruptly grabs my arms to pull me into his chest. I don’t hug him as he wraps his arms around my shoulders or when he whispers, “He’ll be able to see you when the doors open. Get it out now when it’s safe.”
“Scarlet’s here,” I blurt out.
