NINETEEN
Playing: “It’s My Life” by No Doubt
After everythingthat happened this weekend—the gala, making it official with Axl, the town meeting—I’m nervous as fuck for practice on Tuesday.
I skipped my classes yesterday, so I haven’t seen anyone since the town meeting. When I thought about going, I felt nauseous. Breaking the habit of expectation is easier in theory, because I sincerely don’t care what my teammates have to say about my relationship with Axl, but at the same time, I am the captain, though maybe not for much longer. Our town is so small, I wouldn’t be surprised if they used this as an excuse to kick me to the curb.
My mother got in my head a little bit. She was extremely upset about the “disturbance” Axl and his father made at the town meeting even though it was in their best interest. My dad had to calm her down, and for the first time, he took my side and said something had to be done. We’re adults, so Axl and I are allowed to be whatever we want to each other. It doesn’t giveanyone the right to film us, and it doesn’t mean we should sit back and take it while people are nasty about it.
I’ve never felt so seen by him before. He patted my back in support, stood by my side while my mother complained. He may still be a man of few words and might not know how to show what he’s thinking, but I heard him loud and clear. I was his daughter, and that was all that mattered.
My cheerleading shoes feel bulky on my feet as I round the corner to the field. I hate how unsure I feel right now. I’m normally so confident, especially around my teammates, but I’ve never been in this situation before. Cheerleading is so important to me, and it could be over because of the other girls’ biased judgement.
I hope I’m wrong. I hope they’re all more open-minded than I’ve given them credit for in the past. That’s all I can do now.
When I get onto the field, there are only a few girls here. They avoid my eyes and go about their stretches, preparing for a grueling day of practice. A part of me appreciates it, because it mimics any normal day where I’m not sweating through my uniform, but it also makes me internally panic. I’m not usually talkative with the girls, haven’t been since middle school because of the persona I’ve put on for so long, but we’re friendly. We smile at each other, ask about our weekends, but none of that is present today. It’s all avoiding gazes and dreadful silence besides the football team doing drills nearby and the sound of the wind whooshing past us. My stomach feels heavy, my nerves sitting like cement in the pit of it.
When the entire squad is finally here, I clap my hands to get everyone’s attention, but they are shaky. I curse my nerves, but plant on a smile as I look at everyone directly and try to speak clearly.
“I know the town meeting was intense. I know some of you may have questions. As your captain, I am willing to take onthose questions, but this will be the only time. If anyone has anything to say, now is the time, so we can get on with practice and do what we do best.”
The tension tightens immediately, a few girls shuffling their feet and looking at the ground to avoid eye contact, but there are also a few other girls who don’t look bothered at all.
One girl, Trixie, steps forward. We’ve always had a difference of opinion when it came to our routines and the way we trained, but otherwise we were normally cordial. It doesn’t feel that way now as she openly snarls at me. “Why did you cheat on Brent with thatfreak?”
A deep growl emits from my throat. “His name isAxl,” I tell everyone. “And he is human, just like the rest of us. I have already spoken to Brent, and we have squashed it. There is no reason to linger on our drama if we ourselves have moved on.”
“Yeah, but it was still a shitty thing to do.”
I nod. “I agree, but I don’t owe anyone an apology but him. And I’ve already given it.” I look around at the other faces in the circle. “Anyone else?”
Sarah steps forward. “Do you love him?”
It’s not what I was expecting, but I nod nonetheless.
“Then… that’s all that matters. You should be with the person you love. No matter what anyone else thinks about it.”
The other girls, all but Trixie, start nodding, agreeing with Sarah’s words. My breath releases from my lungs, relief spreading throughout my body, along with an emotional sting behind my eyes. “You all feel this way?”
There are more nods and words of encouragement. Vera, a sophomore who’s only been on the team since college started, beams a bright smile. “I think you bagged a great one. I mean, come on, he’shot. He looks like one of the guys fromSum 41.”
I let out a surprised laugh. “You listen toSum 41?”
“You don’t?”
My cheeks blush. “A little. But Avril Lavigne is my favorite.”
“No way!” She and a few of the girls smile. “Her new album is so good!”
“Hello!” Trixie cuts in. “This is madness. What are you guys doing?”
“We’retalking,” Vera snarls at her. “Like real people do. What would you have us do? Kick her off the squad? You really are detached from reality if you think this isthatbig of a deal.”
Wow. There might be more cool people in this town than I thought.
“This is bananas,” Trixie shrieks. “Can someone please tell me why we’re entertaining thisfreak-fest?”
“This ‘freak-fest’ is tired of hearing your nagging,” I say, ready to get on with practice.
