“For me? One hundred percent. But only you and Sebastian can decide if it’s worth it for you.”
I leaned back on my palms and stared up at the ceiling. There was a slight discoloring right above me—what looked like a water stain that’d been painted over but was bleeding through again. I focused on that instead of looking at him. “I want to choose him—be with him—but …” I trailed off, unsure how much I should reveal about Sebastian’s relationship with Wyatt.
I wasn’t in the business of outing people, but how could I make Bell understand what I was dealing with if he didn’t know the full scope of what I was up against?
That, and I really fucking hated the idea of protecting that asshole.
“Look,” he said, copying my posture. “I’m going to be honest with you, T. After you guys came over that first night, Ethan looked Sebastian up.”
My head snapped toward him so fast my neck popped.
He lifted both hands, palms facing out. “Not in a weird stalker way—Jesus. Just his political stuff. You know Ethan’s a big old nerd about that shit.”
I suppose that made sense. I knew Ethan had become more politically active over the last couple of years, making appearances at campaign stops for local candidates who supported both youth education and LGBTQ+ causes.
“Right,” I said, deflating. “Of course.”
Bell dragged his thumb slowly along his bottom lip, flicking his eyes to me and then away again. “So, um … I don’t know how to say this other than coming right out and saying it. Ethan asked me if I thought Sebastian and Wyatt had ever been together.”
I twisted toward him fully, one knee sliding up onto the mattress. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Why are you telling me this?”
Bell pushed to his feet and moved to the window. He rested against the ledge, crossing his arms, the fingers of his right hand tapping out a rhythm against his bicep. “Ethan wondered if maybe the reason Sebastian won’t come out is because of him. It sounds like there’s talk of him running for president someday. He probably couldn’t do that if people knew he was gay.”
“He’s not gay; he’s bi,” I muttered under my breath.
The second I realized what I’d just inadvertently revealed, my stomach dropped.
“Umm …”
Bell pushed the sleeves of his hoodie up, then braced his hands on the sill on either side of his hips. “I won’t tell anyone. You know I won’t.”
I blew out a breath, my shoulders curling in on themselves. “No. I know.”
I pressed my thumb and forefinger against my closed eyes, buying myself a second to figure out how to proceed here.
Bell and Ethan had already pieced together Wyatt and Sebastian’s connection without me having to say anything.Sebastian would probably hate me for confirming what they suspected, but he’d ghosted me—again. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.
But our fight, and all the secrets I’d been keeping, were festering inside me. Making me feel gross and rotten. If I didn’t lance this wound soon, it would poison me from within.
I didn’t know what to do.
Bell pushed off the ledge and moved to stand in front of me, setting his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to say anything, T, but I know what it’s like to keep secrets, and howfucking crazy they can make you feel. So if you everdowant to talk, I’m here. No judgment either way.”
He turned toward the door.
I shot to my feet and reached out, latching my fingers around his wrist.
“I don’t know what to do. He and Wyatt are … I dunno,” I told him, my words coming fast. “Sebastian says it’s over, and maybe it is?—”
Bell winced, my grip on his wrist having tightened. I released it, dragging my hands up into my hair and linking them atop my head. I forced myself to take a breath and slow my speech.
“Maybe itisover between them—physically, romantically, whatever—but that asshole is still at the center of every decision Sebastian makes. Every. Single. One. And I keep telling myself that’s going to change, that eventually he’ll put me first, but honestly? I don’t know if that’s true. It’s like?—”
I cut myself off, my teeth grinding.
“It's like what?” Bell asked gently, sinking back down onto the edge of the bed.
“It’s like Sebastian might not know how to be any other way. Like I’m asking him to unlearn the only version of himself he’s ever allowed himself to be. And I don’t know if that’s something I can wait around for. Or if he even wants me to.”
