But something about having Carter beside me makes the whole thing feel easier. Not like everything is solved, but at least like I can breathe again.
And for right now, that has to be enough.
19
CARTER
It feelsweird to leave our wedding and just…drive home. I’m still in my suit, which isn’t a big deal, but Sarah’s in her wedding dress. She looks too beautiful for the night to be over already, but I’m honestly relieved we don’t have to navigate a honeymoon situation. It’s hard enough keeping her at arm’s length on a normal day. Toss us into vacation mode, then heap on all the expectations of being a newlywed couple? I’m not sure I could do it.
Though we are, as of tonight, living together. Which can’t be much better. I’m probably doomed no matter what.
I turn up the driveway—our driveway?—and glance over at Sarah.
There aren’t words to describe how good it felt to pull her into my arms and kiss her like I’ve been dreaming of kissing her the past six weeks. The moment we were alone before the ceremony—it delivered, and then some. And then watching her interact with my friends, my teammates, my mom…it all felt soright.
I’ve tried to keep myself in check. It would be easy to getswept up in the moment, to let momentum and the significance of theeventpropel me into feeling things we haven’t truly earned. Sarah and I haven’t had to do any of the work involved with figuring out a relationship because we don’t have a real one. We’ve gotten to ignore the uncomfortable stuff.
Why doesn’t she talk about her dad? Why can’t she go to hockey games? Why do I need to be needed so much that I immediately swapped taking care of my brother for taking care of someone else?
It was Holly who threw that last question at me, and I’ve been ruminating on it ever since.
But then I look at Sarah and I just…want to be with her.
It’s that simple.
Andthat complicated. Because Sarah is already my wife.
“How has Gordie settled in?” I ask as I park the truck in front of the house. I’m sure Gordie is fine, but I’m grasping for anything that might realign my brain, get me back to a place where I can coexist with Sarah without obsessing over how much I wish we were together for real.
“He’s a dream,” Sarah says. “We’re already best friends.”
When my lease ended a week ago, I moved Gordie into the new house with Sarah and crashed on Theo’s couch until tonight.
Technically, I could have moved into the new house too—it’s not like living under the same roof will change the nature of my relationship with Sarah—but she’s been excited about surprising me with the decor, and she wanted another week to get everything perfect.
Across the truck, she takes a deep breath in, like she’s willing herself to stay calm. It’s comforting to know I’m notthe only one feeling nervous, but I wish there was something I could do that might make us both feel better.
“Should we go in?” I ask.
“Yes?” she says, and I let out a little chuckle.
“Way to convince me you really want to.”
“I do,” she quickly says, “I’m just…scared. What if you hate your house? What if I’ve picked a bunch of stuff you think is ugly and you don’t tell me because you’re too nice?”
“I’m not going to hate it,” I say.
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. You’ve asked me a million questions about what Idolike. And most of the time, I was fine with either option, and I only picked one because you wanted me to.”
“Shut up,” she says. “Is that true?”
I shrug. “I mean, I really didn’t like the blue velvet or the cow skin rug. But otherwise…”
“Carter Williamson, I never showed you blue velvet anything.”
I look at her and grin. “My point exactly. I’m sure I’m going to love whatever you picked out.”
