Because thisisbigger than hockey. Which is a weird realization. Nothing outside of my immediate family has ever been bigger—more important—than hockey.
But Sarah is. I’m sure of that now.
I slowly make my way back toward the kitchen, but I pause when Sarah steps out of the shadowy dining room. Her eyes are damp with tears, and a pulse of fear rushes through me. Did I say something that made her upset? She might not have wanted me to fight her battles, and that’s exactly what I did.
“Did you hear…?”
She steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist, pressing herself against me and silencing the rest of my question. I let my arms wrap around her back and hold her against me, bending down to press a kiss against her hair.
She leans back, lifting her hands to my face, grazing her fingers over my jaw before pushing up on her toes and kissing me on the cheek, just shy of my mouth. “Thank you,” shewhispers, then she turns and heads to her room, taking my heart with her as she goes.
24
SARAH
I glance up at Carter,checking to see how close he is to finishing his crossword puzzle. We’ve done the daily crossword at the same time at least a dozen times, and every single time, I’ve finished before him. Not that we’ve been racing, exactly. But I’ve watched him watching me, sneaking peeks at my screen to see how close I am. Hazards of being married to a professional athlete. The man turns folding his socks into a competition.
Now, he’s totally focused, which I love because it means I can sit here and stare at him without him noticing. Which—I’vealwaysenjoyed staring at Carter. But it feels different this morning.
After last night,everythingfeels different.
It was bad enough last week, when I saw Carter holding Fiona right after she was born, smiling down at her with a look of sheer wonder on his face. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so aware of my ovaries or thought so seriously about having a baby.
But not just any baby. In my alarmingly realistic fantasy, Iwas having a baby…with Carter.It felt like the world tilted off its axis, and I’m still not sure I’ve recovered.
But then Miles showed up on our doorstep last night, and Carter defended me, standing up to my brother with steel in his voice. I know how intimidating Miles can be, but Carter was firm, steadfast. Completely supportive. When I wrapped my arms around his waist right after, felt him lean down and press a kiss to the top of my head, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of certainty. A rightness I’ve never experienced before.
I reposition myself on my barstool and try to focus on my puzzle. I’ve finished all but one clue, but I must have spelled something wrong because the answer I want to use doesn’t fit. I could ask Carter, but that would really spoil the fun of beating him.
I glance at the time on my phone, hating how close we are to him leaving. He’s dressed for the road, ready to head to the airport, where he’ll leave for the last four away games of the regular season. Nine days on the road, then the team will arrive back just in time for one last home game at the Vortex. After that, they’ll get a couple of days off, then the playoffs start with the first two games of their opening series here in Atlanta.
I’ve practically lived at Anna’s since Fiona was born, helping with Poppy and Olive, so I’ve already been missing him. Now he’s leaving, and that’s just going to get worse.
Not that I can truly complain. The whole point of all this was so I could be here for Anna, and I’m so glad I am without the threat of my impending departure looming over me.
Anna is doing great, but she’s nervous about her postpartum depression returning. She’s judging every little shift in her mood, watching for signs to make sure she’s takingcare of herself as well as taking care of Fiona, who, to her credit, is pretty much perfect. She’s a good sleeper, a good eater. Everyone in the house is absolutely in love with her. But I’m glad I’ve been there anyway. Olive and Poppy still need a lot of attention, even a little extra while they adjust to the fact that now, they’re sharing their mom with a new baby.
Miles is back with the team this week, so it’ll be even more important that I support Anna. Even though I’m presently furious with my brother and don’t feel like giving himanycredit, he’s been incredible with the baby, maximizing every second of time off the Jaguars gave him. He’s changed diapers and made dinners and rocked Fiona so Anna could nap. He’s been endlessly patient with Poppy and Olive, reading books and doing puzzles and taking them for ice cream when he senses Anna needs a break. We’ll both feel his absence this next week—the girls too.
It’s been a nice reminder that while he’s definitely being an idiot when it comes tome,he’s so good when it comes to everything else. I see the way he’s actively trying to be everything our own father wasn’t, and I have to give him grace for that.
“Finished!” Carter says, pulling me back into the present. He raises his hands from his phone like I might take away points if he touches it again.
“You are not.”
He grins. “Did I actually win this time?”
I press my lips together, fighting a smile. “Did youwin?” I say. “I wasn’t aware we were racing.”
He grins. “Did I saywin? I just meant, did I incidentally, with no meaning attached at all, happen to finish beforeyou did?”
I finally let myself smile. “Shut up and come over here and help me figure out what I’ve gotten wrong.”
He moves around the kitchen island, setting his arms on the granite, one on either side of me, and looks over my shoulder. He’s close enough that I feel the warmth of his chest against my back and the tickle of his breath moving through my hair. I feel a sudden impulse to lean into him, to soak up his solid presence for a little while longer before he leaves.
I probably could. We’ve both been lax about the rules lately. Finding random reasons to touch each other, to lean into “friendly hugs” just a little bit longer than we normally would.
Carter leans forward and taps his pointer finger on the corner of my phone screen. “This is ananot ane,” he says. “You’ve got the right word. It’s just spelled wrong.”
