During breakfast, Edward couldn’t help feeling distracted by Sophia, or stop glancing at her from time to time. Wondering why someone as beautiful as she was hadn’t received a marriage proposal, especially since she had taken part in the season. In the meantime she was trying her best not to return his look, or remember what it had felt like being in his arms a few minutes ago.
When their eyes did eventually meet, their hearts melted in a passionate longing for each other.
Chapter 21
After breakfast Sophia joined the Duchess in the drawing room. Her mind was still spinning from her encounter with Edward earlier in the passageway, and their close proximity to each other. Blushing to even think of it again, that she had been in his arms! Something she didn't imagine would ever happen. However, she had to stop her imagination now from making much more out of the situation than there had been. She had accidentally bumped into him. That was all. Nothing else. No matter what her thoughts might now be trying to imply.
It was also becoming increasingly clear that she needed to be much more in control of her emotions, to make sure that her true situation wasn't revealed inadvertently by her in the heat of the moment. She was starting to be afraid that this could easily happen. She longed now to tell both Lady Cynthia and Ned everything. It wasn't her true nature to be deceitful, so she wasn't feeling in the least bit comfortable about it, especially when they were being so kind to her.
Even worse than that, the Duke would probably have refused to employ her in his immediate household had he known what she was doing. Whilst he now seemed to be entrusting her with his mother's health, and well-being, he surely wouldn't have done it, had he known her true circumstances. Sophia's guilt weighed heavily in her heart as she tried not to let her feelings show. She also knew by now how much Lady Cynthia wished to have a daughter-in-law, and here she was trying to prevent that! Tempting the Duke to look at her in the forlorn hope that something might come of it. Sophia's head began to ache. Unable to believe what she was doing, and what she had been thinking. She had no right whatsoever to have any feelings for the Duke of Carlfield. Her behaviour was disgraceful.
Lady Lucy Exley was obviously as interested in him as he was in her. A ladies' companion had absolutely no right to try to interfere in the progress of their romance, and it had to stop. Right now! Lady Cynthia would be mortified if she knew that her companion had left London to escape from an arranged marriage with Lord Neil Dilley, a peer of the realm. Sophia could well imagine the scandal all of this would cause, if the truth wasrevealed. Or even worse, if the scandal sheets became aware of it. None of them would be able to live it down. She was also starting to wish that she had never mentioned that she wrote poetry. The last thing she wanted was for someone to recognise her while she was doing a reading, which she supposed could easily happen. Yet how could she refuse, if her employer asked her to do it?
If only Hannah would write to her soon, she couldn't help thinking. At least she would be able to put her feelings on paper when she replied to her, and it would be as if she was speaking again to her best friend. Sophia had never felt so alone in all life. There was no one here in whom she could confide. A short-lived smile crossed her lips, but was gone in an instant. Ned had asked her to talk to him, but even he would be shocked if she now told him her secret. What was she to do?
"Is something troubling you, my dear?" Cynthia said, with concern, as she put a hand on Sophia's arm to attract her attention. Sophia had been staring up at the ceiling with flushed cheeks, which the Duchess thought seemed most odd and quite unlike her. After Sophia smiled weakly and apologised for daydreaming, Cynthia asked her if she would read another poem from her journal.
Although Sophia was reluctant to read any more of her work to the Duchess or anyone else, when her feelings remained out of control, she obligingly opened the journal to skim through the pages which were filled with writing. Until she found a few lines of verse she had written when she lived with Lucas and Owen. A deeply emotional poem about family and friendship, which touched on the loss of her mother. Although this was again a private matter she couldn't think of anything else which might be any better, and Lady Cynthia was waiting for her to begin.
The truth of the matter was that in addition to her present difficulties Sophia was also still grieving for the loss of her mother, despite her death having occurred more than a decade ago. As a result once she began reading her words aloud she felt overwhelmed, and tears began streaming down her face as she spoke:
"Nothing fills the gap she left behind
In the yearnings of my mind,
While I dream of the rose garden
Where she now lives,
In each comforting thought
And solace memory gives.
An Angel watches over her...
Causing Sophia to wish more than anything that she hadn't chosen these particular lines to share with the Duchess, but it was too late. Even to scold herself for her appalling behaviour. The poem wasn't even finished, nor the rhyming!
Meanwhile Cynthia, who was also by this time equally overcome with emotion, passed a handkerchief to her so that she could blow her nose and dry her eyes. Not saying anything at all while Sophia attended to this, and as she dabbed her eyes apologised. Saying that she didn't know what had got into her that morning.
"There is absolutely no need to apologise, my dear. I assume the poem was about your mother, and naturally her loss might still distress you," Cynthia said, pushing a stray strand of hair out of her companion's eyes. "Would you like to talk about what has upset you so much? I am not entirely blind to the fact that something has been worrying you."
Sophia could tell from the look in Cynthia’s eyes that she was being sincere when she said this, and she wanted nothing more in the world at that point than to tell her everything, but which she couldn't possibly do. Consequently, after taking a deep breath and reassuring the Duchess that nothing was wrong, she began to talk about the few memories she had of her mother. Although she didn't have very many since she had only been eight years old when she died, and she had been shielded from it by her father. She said that she seemed now to only remember inconsequential things. Like them walking together in the garden, and Sophia seeing a frog for the first time. She had been fascinated, so reluctant to come away from it. Until mama had asked the gardener's boy to take it elsewhere. Not being quite so keen as her daughter on the creature.
Cynthia had smiled then, as she also had a dislike of frogs and told Sophia that she understood her mother's aversion to them. Sophia had hesitated then before quietly admitting that she felt her dear mama's presence, here at Carlfield, in particular in the rose garden. When she sat quietly with her poetry, and the flowers looked so beautiful. It was so unlike London, except for the parkswhich she couldn't visit every day. When she said that she hadn't been able to finish the poem, as she missed her mother too much, she burst into tears and Lady Cynthia Carlisle held her gently until she stopped crying.
Feeling equally overcome by Sophia's distress, the Duchess knew then that she had done the right thing in drawing her into their family. Edward and Sophia appeared to be as lonely as each other, and irrespective of whatever else might have befallen her, Cynthia was certain that Sophia had a kind and beautiful heart. Also that she wouldn't harm anyone from choice. She was too loving to do that. All of which shone through her words, and demeanour.
Cynthia was tempted to ask her a few questions about the rest of her family, and what had happened to them, but decided the time wasn't right. She had no wish to upset her even further. Moreover Sophia would have told her if she had wished to, and she felt sure that she would in her own time. So she decided instead to open her own heart to the young woman sitting next to her on the settee, and treat her as the daughter-in-law she very much hoped that she could one day become.
"I completely understand, my dear. Feelings like that don't just disappear with the passage of time. Your own mama would have been very proud of you, and your beautiful poetry," she said, sympathetically. "I also lost someone very dear to me, my beloved husband. It happened almost ten years ago, but I still think of him every day and wish that I could turn back the clock. It's still difficult at times to make sense of the loss. Why he was taken, when he was. We were so blissfully happy with each other, but then I suppose it isn't for us to reason why," she said, squeezing Sophia's hand, as she smiled at her. Wishing she could also tell her about the daughter she had miscarried, two years before Ned was born.
Although she believed that she could trust Sophia implicitly Ned wasn't aware that he ought to have had a sister. This was the other reason that she secretly longed to have a daughter-in-law and grandchildren. Wishing to fill the gap she had in her heart which the loss of her child had left behind, and unknown to her, Sophia had already started to do. Nevertheless, now wasn't the right time for revealing her own troubles, or fears about Ned whom she hoped would see sense. Not become distracted by Lucy Exley who, in her estimation, was full of nonsense and quitedreadful. Everything the Duchess despised. She was certain that Lady Amelia and her would go out of their way to make life at Carlfield a misery, if Ned married her. Whereas Sophia was everything Edward and she needed. From what she had said, the Duchess was equally certain that Sophia would be happy here at Carlfield, irrespective of what her life had been like before she arrived.
The trouble was Ned and Miss Exley did seem to be taken with each other, which wouldn't do at all. Howard also seemed now to be taking an interest in the situation, which wasn't unexpected since he was her father. All Cynthia could do about that was hope he wasn't meddling, and Ned wouldn't be swayed by interference from an older gentleman. There was also still the very important matter of love. Edward's father had been the love of her life, and as far as she was concerned this was a vital factor in any marriage. However hard she tried, she had been unable to see Ned falling in love with that silly Miss Exley in the same way, but Sophia was an entirely different matter.
Sophia and the Duchess sat quietly together for several minutes longer, whilst their own concerns went through their thoughts. Until Cynthia asked her to ring the bell for tea to be brought to them, with some of Cook's excellent cherry cake. She had smiled then, and said she was certain that it would do both of them good to eat a small slice of it.
Chapter 22
