I took the elevator up and walked down the long hallway, stopping in front of the apartment door, where I waited for him to come out. I didn’t want to go in. It didn’t feel right to invade his space with what I had come to do.
He opened the door and greeted me with a sad, guarded smile, and my heart weakened at the sight of him. At the reluctance I had put there in place of his shining confidence. The confidence that had drawn me to him long ago—I had shattered it.
“Hi,” I said, full of sorrow and regret yet brimming with love.
“Hi.” He gave another weak smile that barely reached his eyes.
“How’s it going?”
“Good, I guess.” He rocked on his heels and looked down the hall just to break our gaze. “Small talk’s not agood sign,” he said as he met my eyes again. He sank his hands into his pockets.
My heart plummeted to my stomach like I had just reached the peak of a roller coaster drop. I knew it was time to fall, and it made me want to throw up.
“I think—”
“You think?”
I licked my lips as I rolled them in. My eyes fell to his feet and back again.
“I know.”
He nodded slowly. I didn’t have to finish because he already knew. He didn’t need me to say it. But I would.
“I think I’ve always known. I just… couldn’t admit it.” I paused and took a moment to compose myself. As sure as I was of what needed to be done, it didn’t hurt any less to do it. “I never wanted it to be like this. And I don’t want things to end this way, but—”
“But you’re ending them anyway.”
I sighed, full of nothing but absolute remorse. “I have to.”
“Why?” he pleaded.
I took a deep, shaky breath.
“Because it’s not fair. To you. To me. To everyone. You deserve to be happy. Loved by someone who can love you without ruining you with their love, like mine does. You deserve… I don’t know… more than I can give.”
He nodded again and brought his hand up, covering his mouth. My stomach twisted and knotted as I watched the painful defeat wash over him. It was the end. After all this time. And there was nothing we could do about it. But he wanted to try.
“You’re giving up.”
“I’m not. Or… I am, but I’m giving up for the right reason. I can’t keep lying to everyone. I can’t keep lying to myself.”
He looked at me through pained eyes. “What if there’s more to this?” He gestured between us before dropping his hand to his side. “What if you’re throwing it all away before it gets to where it’s meant to?”
I felt the tears burning in my throat. I was breaking this man’s heart, more than I already had, and he loved me enough to still fight for me. To wait for me to figure it out, and then fight for his cause when I finally did.
“What if this was always what we were meant for, and holding on to it will only ruin us more?”
His eyes grew glassy as tears pooled at the rims. He pulled his lips in with his tongue and swallowed hard as he looked down at his feet. When his eyes met mine again, his tears had fallen.
“I’m always gonna love you, Sydney.” And with that, my tears fell too.
My throat constricted, and I pushed past the tightness to give this man one last piece of my heart.
“I’m always gonna loveyou,” I said, and I meant it.
He pulled me into his chest and wrapped my head in his arms. I wrapped myself around him and clenched his shirt like I wouldn’t let go. But I did let go. I had to because it wasn’t right to keep him when I already belonged to someone else.
He kissed the top of my head as he released me and cleared his throat. I shifted in place uncomfortably.
