Jake didn’t bat an eye, but I made up a story anyway—I told him I was getting too many telemarketer calls and couldn’t take it anymore. He just said, “Yeah, I hate those,” and we never discussed it again.
I promised myself that it would be my last lie to him. Closing that door with E did make it easier for me to keep going.
My life with Jake was moving right along. Our college career was coming to a close, and Austin had proven to be worth the move. Jake and I started considering whether to stay and plant roots in Austin or find a new city to call home. It was the most “future” I’d ever been able to discuss.
We spent our days enjoying each other. WatchingThe Officereruns until the punchlines lost their kick and still laughing anyway. We made pasta at midnight, danced in thekitchen to John Coltrane in mismatched socks, and talked about everything that came to our minds… except the one thing that sat between us like a ghost at the table, only I could see.
Still, I ignored it. I tried to be all in. I tried to love Jake in the loud, all-consuming way he loved me. But sometimes I caught myself staring too long at my phone, not because I was waiting for a message—I knew it wouldn’t come—but because I remembered what it felt like when it did.
I told myself I was healing. That I was moving forward. That cutting E out of my life was the right thing to do. Sometimes doing the right thing feels a lot like bleeding, but I convinced myself it was for the best. Even if it bled me dry.
It didn’t matter if E needed me, because I couldn’t be there for him the way he needed me to be, and I definitely couldn’t be there for him without hurting Jake. Jake didn’t deserve to be hurt. And I had made enough mistakes in that department. I had to check out.
I did well not to let my mind wander too often. I started hobbies as distractions when I couldn’t stop. Jake and I took up running over the winter, which I absolutely hated. I wanted to bond with him, and I wanted to be a runner, like he was. I wanted that runner’s high that everyone talked about, but no matter how hard I tried, I’d just end up panting uncontrollably and losing my momentum.
“It’s all in the breathing, babe,” Jake said as he slowed on his treadmill with a sweet smile. “Three breaths in, three breaths out.”
We were in the gym of our apartment building, late one early spring night. It was a rooftop gym that looked out overthe city, and it was always empty late in the evenings, when Jake liked to run most.
“I’m breathing,” I panted, and he shook his head as he laughed.
“You’re adorable.”
I smiled at that. He hit the redSTOPon our treadmills and came to my rescue.
“Come here.” He held out his hand, and I slowed to take it, hopping off my machine to meet him on the ground.
He flashed that gorgeously dimpled downward grin at me, and my belly lit up with tingling. He brought his hands around my waist, and I ran mine through the damp hair at the nape of his neck.
“I love that you’re doing this for me,” he said. “But you don’t have to.”
“I want to. I want to be a runner.”
“No,” he chuckled. “You really don’t. You hate it, but you keep coming up here every day like you can force yourself into loving it.” We both laughed. “I already know you love me. You don’t have to prove it.”
I gave him a cute grin, feeling relieved. “So you’re saying I can quit?”
“I’m saying please quit,” he begged. “Please, woman, stop torturing yourself at my expense, for the love of God!” I laughed harder, and he chuckled with me. “I can’t take it anymore!”
“Alright, alright,” I said through giggles. “I quit.”
“Thank God.” He threw his head back in mock exhaustion before looking down at me again with glistening eyes. “I was about three runs away from filing a restraining order, stalker.”
I smacked his arm playfully. “You loved it.”
“Don’t push it, quitter,” he smirked.
“Hey, no fair!” I protested. “You begged me to quit.”
He chuckled. “I did, I did.” He pulled me in closer. “It was a good call.” He kissed my nose. “But I’ll miss the way you looked at me when you were trying so hard to impress me.”
“I have other ways of impressing you,” I said, slow and suggestive, my tone rich and warm. I gave him a seductive smile and kissed the base of his sweat-streaked neck.
“Mmm.” His hazel-green eyes grew darker than they had been just a moment before. “You do. But you worked so hard already. Let’s give you a reward for all that effort.”
“I like rewards.”
“I like to give them to you.” His voice was deep and smooth, dangerously inviting.
