I smiled again, but it didn’t reach my eyes. It couldn’t. The ache was hitting me too deep for it to rise anywhere beyond my lips.
“Yeah, maybe I will.”
We stared at each other for a moment. Long enough for the cabbie to ask me if I was still heading out. I gave a quick, “Yes,” before I stole one last glance at E.
“Never Can Say Goodbye,” he said, and I smiled at our old pastime.
“Some Things You Never Get Used To,” I replied, and I closed the door from inside the cab.
“The Supremes,” we both said, and I laughed a heartfelt laugh.
“I’ll see you around,boy,” I said in a low voice as the car pulled off.
“I’m counting on it, girl!” he yelled back, and I smiled to myself in the darkness of the taxi.
But I didn’t see him again. Not for nearly another year. And when I did, everything had changed, and not for the better.
Maybe if I knew, I would have made a different choice. Maybe I would have gained the courage to follow my heart right then and there, when I still could. But I was naïve. I told myself we had time. That we needed time—time to grow. Time to heal. Time to let the past fade further into the background.
I told myself that he had Emma and I had Jake, and they would fill up our days for the time being, and it would all work out, because we had time.
The problem with time is you think it’s endless. You think it’s infinite. Until it’s gone. Until it’s all spent, and you have nothing left—not a minute, not a second, not even a breath.
Just silence, and the echo of everything you wished you had done with it.
Track 12
“And Love Goes On”
-Earth, Wind & Fire, 1980
JAKE AND I started dating officially by the end of that summer. It was simple and light and just enough for what it was. There was no pressure to be more than we were, because we were both focused on college and ourselves, and that made it even more enjoyable. Because while I belonged to someone, I was still able to be me, and that was the most important thing.
“Hey, babe, you wanna go drunk speed mini golfing later?” I laughed, amused by just the idea of it.
Jake pulled me in closer. We were at his house, as we often were, in order to avoid my mom at all costs. She wasn’t a fan of Jake. Or me. Or anyone, for that matter.
“Well, for one, it’s January. And two, what exactly is that?”
He took me by the hand and pulled me toward him with a sexy, playful grin. “They have indoor places.”
“Ahh. Good to know.”
“Uh-huh. So let me tell you the rules.” I looked up at him admiringly. “First, we’re gonna get really drunk.”
I smiled, and he continued, twirling me in a slow circle. “And then, we go mini golfing.”
“Uh-huh.” I was still being spun.
He stopped me right in front of him, his hands holding me at my waist. “And then, we race to the finish line. And make out. Really, really hard all the way there.”
I linked my hands at the nape of his neck. “That sounds super fun.” I kissed him on the lips, and he hummed.
“But what if we skipped the going out part…” I kissed his chin.
“I’m listening,” he said, his voice deepening.
“Still got drunk…” I kissed the side of his neck, and he gave a sultry laugh, knowing exactly where I was going.
