“Come on, I’ll drive you home.”
“I think I want to walk. I’ll text you later?”
Ash didn’t want to leave Luke alone right now, but their head was spinning. They would scream if they heard Luke offer to quit one more time. Ash felt guilty Luke was even considering it, mostly because Ash wasn’t. No part of Ash was willing to quit their job. Theyloved this job. They were finally starting their career, and they needed the money. Luke had been settled for a few years and would probably be fine for a few months, but Ash would be fucked. They had nothing.
Luke’s hurt expression just made the knife of guilt dig deeper into Ash’s chest.
“Let me know if you’re feeling better later.”
Ash desperately wanted to kiss Luke, but their head was muddled enough already. Instead, they squeezed Luke’s hand quickly before walking out of their office and down towards the student union.
Ash didn’t want to go home, but they needed to get away from school. Away from Luke. Away from these problems. So, they made their way to the student union. The union was a large room with couches and chairs, a coffee shop, and a student center. Ash grabbed a cup of coffee and made their way downstairs. The bottom floor of the union was a wonderful hangout spot. There was a large study space that used to be a pool hall, a six-lane bowling alley, and a room with a stage and leather couches where student bands would play occasionally. Sometimes, the late-night club, which was a space for students who didn’t want to drink, held movie nights down there, but that had all been replaced by tables and chairs where students worked.
Ash hadn’t spent a lot of time down here. They played a few rounds of pool with their friends, but once it had been converted to a study space, they stopped coming down. The bowling alley, with its uneven lanes, wasn’t the best, but it was better than nothing.
Ash wandered down the hallway past the mailroom before turning around and walking back. After pacing the length of it three times, Ash finally ascended and started their walk home.
It was a shame Ash was so stressed they couldn’t enjoy the fall weather. The crisp air nipped at their cheeks, and the trees were beautiful shades of orange and red. Leaves littered the ground and scatteredevery time the wind blew. The crunching of leaves under Ash’s feet, which normally excited them, barely registered.
Ash didn’t know what to do. Part of them wanted to let Luke resign, mostly because Luke seemed like he almost wanted to. He didn’t seem happy; maybe this was the kick in the butt Luke needed to get another job, or maybe he simply didn’t want to lose Ash and was willing to sacrifice for it. But what did it say about Ash if they were not willing to do the same? That they wouldn’t quit? That they wouldn’t put their relationship above work? Did that make them a bad person? Were they selfish for that?
Never in Ash’s life had they put themself first. Their entire life had been in the pursuit of science, knowledge, and research. Ash spent their teenage years after their cousin died researching ways to get involved in thyroid cancer fundraising. They put together several events in their hometown. They attended science seminars on up-and-coming research. In college, whenever their friends broke up with someone or were having a bad day, Ash dropped everything to be by their side.
Grad school was one of the first times Ash worked for themselves. They got a PhD for no other reason than it was what they wanted. On the flip side, their research was thyroid cancer-focused. Ash had a choice to make. They could put themselves first, but at what cost? They couldn’t have it both ways. Maybe Luke resigning would be the best thing so Ash wouldn’t have to think about it. Would there always be this gnawing sense of guilt, though? Or would that feeling fade over time? Would it eat them alive if they let Luke resign when they weren’t willing to sacrifice the same?
By the time Ash got home, they felt no better than when they were with Jenn. When they opened the door to their apartment, their stomach dropped. There were too many reminders of Luke. A flannel discarded over the arm of the couch. An empty beer bottle fromlast night on the coffee table. Even Ash’s room smelled like Luke, of smoke and whiskey. Suddenly, it was too much. Ash ran from their apartment, hopped in their car, and started driving. They didn’t know where they were going, but they just needed to go.
So Ash did the logical thing: they sent a text to Sage, Trixie, and Michael with a single phrase: SOS. An SOS text meant, “I need you immediately.” None of them had ever ignored the call. It could be four in the morning, and an SOS text would be answered. Ash was immediately bombarded with messages asking what the fuck was going on. Ash couldn’t begin to explain, so all they said was to meet at Michael’s. They couldn’t bear to talk about it over text. Part of them didn’t want their friends’ opinions. If they were being a selfish prick, their friends would tell them, and Ash wasn’t sure they were ready to hear that.
Maybe that made Ash a bad person. Maybe itdidmake them selfish. But Ash wasn’t willing to give anything up because they wanted it all. In a perfect world, they could. But because of this situation, they wouldn’t be able to have Luke, their job, and their research.
Ash pulled up to Michael’s house, Sage and Trixie waiting on the stoop already. How they’d gotten to Michael’s so fast, Ash didn’t know, but they were thankful all three of their friends were already there. Trixie’s previously bright green hair was dyed purple, which she hadn’t done in nearly ten years. Sage wore an unbuttoned blue flannel over a white t-shirt, and Ash’s heart panged in their chest; it was such a Luke outfit, not something Sage would normally wear. Michael strode towards the car after the other two and hopped in the passenger seat. Trixie and Sage slid into the back, and all three of them stared at Ash, waiting for them to speak. Ash wasn’t quite sure where to start.
They hadn’t told their friends anything about Luke, other than they had slept together. Ash hadn’t filled them in on the relationship because the last time they’d told them about a relationship that hadended suddenly, their friends were annoying about it. They tried setting them up with other people. They stroked Ash’s arm, telling them it would be okay. But Ash didn’t want to hear it; they hadn’t even cared that much. From that day forward, Ash vowed they wouldn’t tell their friends about a relationship too early on.
Ash took a deep breath, pulled the car away from the curb, and began talking. “I’m sorry for not telling you this sooner. I didn’t really know how to. I wasn’t sure what was going to come of it. But now, big things are happening, and I don’t know what to do. Do you remember that guy from the bar?”
Trixie nodded emphatically. “Sexy cowboy? Of course we remember him.”
Ash sighed. “Well, after we slept together-”
Michael interjected. “Did he ever call you?”
Ash let out a breathy laugh. “No.”
Ash licked their lips, but not before Sage spoke. “If he was the right person, he would have called.”
Ash gripped their steering wheel tighter. “Can I get through my story before any comments?” When their friends nodded, Ash continued. They told their friends about everything with Luke. How they’d become colleagues and research partners. How they started spending time together and going on what could only be described as dates. How Ash broke the rules and finally kissed Luke. Ash described meeting Jenn at Walmart and their subsequent conversation, leading to their SOS text.
The car was silent for a few minutes after Ash finished their story. Ash’s heart pounded as they worried about how mad their friends might be, but when Trixie spoke, that fear washed away.
“I’m sorry if we made you feel like you couldn’t tell us.” Trixie reached to squeeze Ash’s arm. “I’m sorry for anything I’ve done to force you to keep your feelings from us.”
Tears pricked at the edges of Ash’s eyes. “Thank you, Trixie. I’m sorry for keeping this from you guys, but I needed to figure this out on my own.”
“So what are you going to do?” Michael asked.
Ash sighed. “I have no idea. Luke offered to quit for our relationship, which scares me because it’s all so new. What if we break up?”
