“Ash,” Luke said, pulling Ash into his side. “You’re spiraling. You have no idea what she wants. This could be much more innocent than you think.”
Fuck. This couldn’t be happening. This could not be happening. Ash’s head spun, and they suddenly felt the ground coming toward them. Ash gripped the edge of the desk and leaned forward, bending their head. They took slow inhales through their nose and long exhales through their mouth. Luke rubbed comforting circles on Ash’s back, but all it did was make them more nauseous. When Ash shook Luke off, they felt momentarily guilty, but only until the nausea subsided.
“What are we going to do?” Ash asked. “This can’t be fucking happening.”
“Ash, you’re getting ahead of yourself. Go see what she wants, and if sheisgoing to tell the Dean, we can figure out a plan.”
“What the hell are we going to do, Luke? What choice do we have?”
“I’ll quit, Ash. I told you I would protect us from this.”
Ash shook their head as they sat up to look Luke in the eye. “I’m not asking you to do that. Maybe if we explain our relationship started before the semester, they won’t care.”
Luke ran a hand through his hair. “I think we should have told them earlier if that was the story we were going to go with.”
“I can’t lose this job, Luke. I can’t. I have student loans, a car payment, an apartment, medical expenses… I need this job,” Ash said. They were rambling. They knew they were.
“I will quit, Ash. I haven’t been happy here for a while now. I had already been applying to other research positions. I have money saved and can go elsewhere.”
It was too much pressure. There was too much riding on this relationship if Ash let Luke quit. They couldn’t allow that. That would mean they were in a serious relationship. They’d only been dating a couple of weeks. Ash couldn’t allow Luke to sacrifice so much for them, despite how they both felt about the relationship.
Ash shook their head. “Let’s see what she says. Then we can make a decision.”
Luke nodded. “Let’s get a snack, and then you can head over to your office.”
Ash followed Luke from the building silently. Was this what shock felt like? Ash’s limbs were numb. Their head swam like their brain was underwater. Their vision was blurry. Ash’s heart pounded in their chest like a time bomb. You’re fired. You’re fired. You’re fired.
Ash shook the thoughts from their head. They didn’t know that yet. They didn’t know what Jenn was going to say. They couldn’t be certain she was going to tell the Dean. Ash didn’t want either of them to lose their jobs. They knew starting this relationship would only leadto trouble. They should have kept it together. They couldn’t believe they had been so careless.
Throughout their whole life, Ash had been careful. They never stepped out of line. The most reckless thing they did was drink in college, which was so normalized, Ash barely counted it. Ash had set their career ablaze just a few short weeks into it. If they were fired, would they ever find another job? Would any other university hire them if they knew Ash knowingly broke a university policy?
Luke bought Ash a chocolate croissant and walked beside them in silence towards their office. When Luke tried to reach for Ash’s hand, they pulled away like they’d been burned. The hurt in Luke’s eyes was too much for Ash to bear, and they nearly broke down on the spot.
“We will figure it out, Ash,” Luke said, lowering his voice.
But Ash couldn’t believe him. There was something deep in their gut that told them this would only end in disaster.
Luke dropped Ash off at their office, leaving Ash alone to wait for Jenn for another fifteen minutes. They paced the small space, not taking in the scattered papers and books across their desk. They could have cleaned up instead of pacing mindlessly, but it wouldn’t have done anything to calm their mind. The seconds ticked by like hours, and Ash couldn’t wait for this conversation to be over. They needed to know what Jenn was going to say. They just needed to know.
The soft knock startled Ash from their pacing, and they raced to the door, opening it to reveal Jenn. Ash couldn’t take in her black curls or the bright floral pattern of her blouse. All Ash could do was search her expression for any hints. But where Ash expected to see disappointment, they only found concern.
Jenn raised a cup of coffee towards Ash. “I brought you your favorite: milk and sugar with a splash of coffee.”
Ash let out a breathy laugh as they took the coffee. “Thanks, Jenn. Come on in.”
Ash led Jenn into their small office and gestured to a pair of old leather chairs in front of their desk. Ash sat in the chair beside Jenn, perched on the very edge of the cushion.
“What did you want to talk about?” Ash tried to hide the shake in their voice, but even they could hear it as they spoke.
Jenn shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Ash, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
Jenn took a long, deep breath. “What are you doing?” When Ash didn’t respond, Jenn continued. “I know you. I know you’ve read the employee handbook. So what are you doing with Dr. Hastings?”
Ash’s hands shook as they put their coffee down on their desk. They locked their fingers together in their lap and shook their head. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, Jenn.”
Ash told her everything. How they met Luke before the semester, though leaving out the more intimate details. How they tried to not pursue a relationship. But how, eventually, they couldn’t deny their feelings any longer.
