“I’ll let you speak. I promise. But we’re going to try this thing where you don’t tell me what I deserve or can handle or should want. And I’m going to listen to your feelings and take your past into account and give you grace. Then we can take it from there. How’s that sound?”
He looks like a deer in headlights. Not the exact reaction I was going for, but this whole speaking up for myself thing is new, so I’m bound to be graded on a curve, I guess.
He gulps audibly. “All right. Well, then, first things first.” He fidgets with his hands, something I’ve never seen this man do. He’s solid and determined in everything he does, which tells me he must be nervous. “Do you, uh, regret anything from yesterday? Anything at all?”
I huff as I cross my arms over my chest. “Yeah, sure. When you didn’t let me go down on you after you ate me out on the couch.”
“Daze.”
“No. I don’t regret a single thing. Only that it took us too long to get out of our own way and see what was standing right in front of us. I regret that I spent so many lonely nights in a loveless relationship with a horrible man when I could have been cuddled up on the couch watching a movie with you or cooking up a storm while dancing in your kitchen or up here in your cabin celebrating Valentine’s Day by not wearing a stitch of clothing for an entire weekend. Those are my only regrets, Luke.” I take a fortifying breath, because the little voice in my head that told me we were too good to be true must be conspiring with Luke’s. “But—but ifyouare having regrets—”
“Don’t.” The word lands like a whip. “Don’t you dare let my fucked-up behavior make you second-guess anything about the time we’ve spent up here.” His voice is brimming with barely controlled passion.
And there he is. My Luke. My protector. My saving grace.
But the thing about knights in shining armor is that they might need some saving every now and then too.
“All right, then why don’t you tell me what this is really about? What triggered this? Because last night, when I fell asleep in your arms, I thought everything was perfect.”
“It was.” He rushes to add, “It is. It’s just…” He takes a seat next to me and pulls my hands into his trembling ones. “When you fell asleep in my arms, everything felt right. I’ve never had a moment of extreme contentment like that, like when I felt you breathing softly on my chest. But that was also the same time that memories from my past resurfaced and kept me up all night. Running through everything that happened. The reason I left the sport… Why I fell off the face of the earth.”
He squeezes my hand and I squeeze right back. “I’m here. You can talk to me. But only if you’re ready.” My thumb brushes over the back of his hand as his eyes take on a faraway look.
“That night. When she… and he…” He sucks in some air. “It’s all my fault. Their deaths are on me.”
My eyes threaten to fall out of my head at the statement. I may not know the ins and outs of what transpired that night a few years ago, but I do know the facts.
Two people got in a vehicle while under the influence of alcohol.
Their car crashed against a lamppost and they were pronounced dead on the scene.
And those two people were Luke’s girlfriend and his best friend.
twenty-five
I hate reliving thispart.
But Daisy is right. She doesn’t need me making the calls on her behalf. I’ll tell her the full truth, and if by some miracle she decides she still wants to stick around, then I guess it’ll be on my ass to work on myself so that I can be the kind of man worthy to stand by her side.
“She was my ex-girlfriend,” I say out loud for the very first time. “That night, while I was out celebrating our World Series win with the team, I broke up with Mindy. It was a dick move. I had been putting it off for months, but I was so laser-focused on getting that win that I didn’t want to add any potential distractions like her posting about our breakup all over social media and overshadowing all the hard work the team had put into the season.”
I brace myself to find judgment on her face. When I find none, I summon the courage to continue. “We were young. Metat a charity event and hit it off immediately. She understood my lifestyle and supported me during the beginning of the relationship. But as the season went on, she got a little more brazen about asking for money, complaining about the fact that the other WAGs had more designer bags than she did, and hardly made it out to any of my games. I told my best friend Jack about my concerns, and he told me to keep my head in the game and deal with the drama after one of us made it to the World Series. The kicker is that we both made it, but on opposing teams.”
“So the night you won…”
“He lost. The game and his life.”
“It was a tragic loss. They were both so young and should still be here, but I’m failing to see where the fault of their untimely passing lies with you, Luke,” she says gently.
I start pacing, not able to sit with the energy coursing in my veins. “I was an asshole. I was too focused on the sport and let my responsibilities as a boyfriend fall to the wayside. I didn’t even bother breaking up with her in a respectful manner. And what did it lead to? Two drunk people getting in a car together and—”
I can’t even say it out loud. But the look on Daisy’s face tells me she already knows the rest.
“From what was reported,” she hedges, “they had been secretly seeing each other for months…behind your back.”
I close my eyes at the onslaught of memories. Of all the times they lied to my face while probably laughing behind my back. The betrayal that has nowhere to go because in the end, they died. Everything else is irrelevant.
“The newspapers didn’t have to report everything from the police report. The fact that she wasn’t wearing a seat belt and that he was found with his pants unzipped around his thighs isnot something a parent should have to learn when they’re in the midst of planning a funeral.”
