God, I hoped he thought what I was about to say was excuse enough.
“I – when I saw the job post come up, I thought… well, I don’t know a lot about sports, but I thought… this could be something,” I said.I looked at my own hands, clasped in my lap.I suddenly didn’t know what to do with them.“I thought maybe I could film some kind of exposé.If something crazy happened here – or if I saw something illegal…”
I trailed off, but Mr.Harvey said nothing.He didn’t even move.It was like he was carved out of stone – except for the vein pulsing silently in his forehead.I didn’t dare elaborate on the fact that he, himself, was the main target of my plan.
“I thought I might just be able to sell it to the press,” I whispered.
“Show me,” Mr.Harvey said.
I looked up.“What?”
“Show me,” he repeated.He gestured to the laptop I’d pulled out of my bag earlier.
Show him?
“You already saw the footage of Ridley,” I said.“I wasn’t… I didn’t… I only filmed in the office a couple of times.I got too scared.And after that, I started to like you too much.I mean, the job.I started to think that if you caught me, you would fire me, and that would be really bad.I didn’t think I was going to like the job, you know?I just – I thought…”
Mr.Harvey grunted.“Send me the files,” he said.
I was opening my laptop before the last word was out of his mouth.“Right, right,” I nodded.I felt slightly manic.Maybe on the verge of hysterical.Why wasn’t he saying anything?Why wasn’t he screaming at me or telling me I was fired and to get out and never disgrace his doorstep again?“I’ll send you everything.I promise.I really haven’t filmed anything for a while.It felt too dishonest.Especially after you, you know, you made me inner circle.I would never – I know what it’s like, so I would never – I wouldn’t…”
I trailed off again, feeling my heart patter too fast in my chest, my breathing coming in rapid spurts.He had to understand.I wasn’t really ever going to betray him.I never did anything with the footage.It had been a bad idea and one I had barely followed through on at all.
But he just watched silently as I found all of the files – the few of them I had – and sent them to him over email.I heard the answering ping from his computer as it arrived in his inbox.
“That’s everything,” I said quietly.“I wouldn’t have ever used it.I mean that.It’s why I never said anything before.I wanted to keep my job.I wanted to stay here with you – at the company, I mean.”
I teetered on a knife’s edge.Should I have just said everything?Told him I wanted him?Told him that the more I got to know him, the less I could betray him – and not just because I was a good person underneath it all and couldn’t hurt someone I knew, but because Ilikedhim?Because I craved his praise and his attention and I wanted him to save me again with his huge arms like that time I had tripped and he’d caught me?
If he fired me, I would.I knew it in my chest.I would spill all of it out and beg him, unashamed, letting go of all my pride on the chance that it might convince him to let me stay.I wouldn’t be able to hold it back.
I looked up.He wasn’t looking at me.He was looking at my desk.As if he couldn’t bear to let his gaze touch me any longer.
“Get out,” he said.My heart quailed in my chest.He gestured towards the doors.“Go… get me a coffee from the other side of town.”
I stifled a whimper, nodded firmly, squeezed my eyes shut for a second, then pushed up and moved away from my desk.
I glanced back over my shoulder one last time before heading through the doors, but he was still looking away from me, his head turned resolutely in the opposite direction.
I blinked back the tears that threatened to gather behind my eyes and hurried away, letting the doors swing closed on their own instead of staying to make sure.
I rushed almost blindly down the hall, familiar enough with my surroundings that I didn’t need to think about where I was going by now.This was where I worked.I was here for so many hours every week that it was becoming my home away from home.As familiar to me as the house where I grew up.
And now I was probably going to have to leave.
I ran straight into Fernando without even stopping, I was so caught up in my own head.
“Oof!”he exclaimed, pushing me away and then regarding me at arm’s length.“Keaton?Did something happen?”
“Well – I don’t…” My lower lip trembled.I could feel I was on the verge of tears.If I tried to explain to him what was really going on, I would probably lose it.
“Is it about the Ridley Angus thing?”he asked keenly.I blinked.He wasn’t asking if I was alright.He was asking ifsomething had happened.
Something – as in Mr.Harvey noticing him in the footage?
“Yes,” I said.“It’s about the Ridley Angus thing.”
Fernando blanched.“What’s going on?”
