I came to myself long enough to get my own hands moving, reaching to help Rowe out of his clothes, but that was all I was good for. My head was spinning, swimming, the whole world tilting on its axis around me.
This is what it feels like to be wanted.
“Rowe,” I choked out, and he paused only for a second to check that I was okay. When he saw the look on my face he must have understood everything, because he smiled at me and put his hand along the side of my face for a moment, holding me still.
“Xavi,” he whispered, sweet and open and everything I hadn’t realized I so desperately craved. “Take me to bed.”
There wasn’t much distance to cross, but still, I was the one who stumbled as I led him over to it, even though he’d left his cane propped against the door. He hung onto my hand like it was him who needed me and not the other way around, and I fought down a lump in my throat even as I turned and sat on the edge of the bed, drawing him down with me so I could scramble up beside him towards the pillows.
“Hey,” he whispered. “If it’s too much…”
“No,” I told him hoarsely. I shook my head fast, grabbing onto his hand and squeezing it. “No. Please. I need this.”
Rowe bit his lip and looked at me in that way he had – not pity, like the way others looked at me when they thought I’d had too much to drink or I was too desperate or I was never going to get what I wanted. He looked at me withsympathy, which was so very different, and told me he both understood and saw that this was temporary, that this wasn’tme,that I was better than this – that I just needed…
Him. I just needed him. And I could be so much better.
“Come here,” Rowe whispered, pulling me closer across the bed. I could do anything he wanted me to. But now I knew the difference between doing anything for someone who would never do anything back, and doing anything for someone who deserved me. Wanted me. Would give and sacrifice for me, even if I never wanted to ask him to.
I couldn’t hold back. And when our lips met again, I closed my eyes to let the tears stream down my face without interruption. Focusing on holding them back was taking too much of my attention – and I needed to give all of that to the way that Rowe kissed, to his hands on my back scooching me closer, to the way we lined up against one another, to the hardness of his dick pressed against me.
“Rowe,” I breathed against his mouth, and when his eyes flickered open I saw them widen in alarm. He reached up to touch my wet cheek but I shook my head.
A few days ago I would have felt like a loser right now. Like the biggest loser in the fucking world. Like fuck-up Xavi Mendez ruining one more good thing.
But now I knew the difference.
Allowing myself to feel – to be – and not trying to alter who I was for someone else, not trying to put on a front, not trying to pretend like nothing at all could touch me… that wasn’t being a loser or a fuck-up.
That was just Xavi Mendez, no prefix needed.
And Rowe was here with me, his gentle fingers soothing the tears from my cheeks, and that only made them flow faster.
“I’m just,” I said and gasped for breath. “I’m just so h-happy.”
“Oh, god, Xavi,” Rowe said, and he sounded like his heart was breaking but in agoodway, the kind of way that made you whole again afterward, and he held me so close for a long moment I couldn’t figure out anymore where he ended and I began.
But it wasn’t enough.
It was never going to be enough.
“I need you,” I whispered into his chest. “I need you inside of me.”
Rowe responded with a growl, flipping me onto my back and sitting over me, reaching down to shuck my shirt off the rest of the way over my arms and throw it onto the floor.
“Hey,” I teased. “I like that shirt.”
“I like what’s under it better,” Rowe responded, the dark look in his eyes sending a flash right to my already-aching dick and making me, if possible, even harder.
“Fuck,” I whimpered, lifting my hips to shimmy off my pants and underwear as fast as I could while he stripped off his own clothes over me.
It took only a moment of that awkward dance and we were both naked, Rowe’s skin heated against mine, making me wince and whimper and cry out even as he settled his length along mine, just from the feeling of him. The closeness.
Maybe over time, this wouldn’t be as intense. Maybe I’d get used to being around him, being with him. But god, I didn’t think there was a chance I would get bored of it if we stayed like this for a hundred million years.
Rowe kissed me deep and slow, reaching over with one arm to blindly grope in a drawer by the bed. When we came up for air I saw the bottle of lube in his hand and whined, almost wanting to knock it to the floor.
“What?” he asked, catching my look. “You don’t want lube?”
