Just like that, it seemed, the conversation returned to normal. Either no one cared at all, or they were much better friends than I’d thought – and they were steering the talk away so that Xavi didn’t have to feel so embarrassed.
I was glad. Not just for Xavi’s sake.
But because I didn’t want anyone to scrutinize the events of the weekend too closely and realize that there was a reason Ace had come to be fooled over the last two days.
Because at first – it had all been fake.
But by the end…
Maybe it wasn’t.
“You can go after breakfast like I said,” Xavi said quietly, cutting up another mouthful of his pancakes and carefully stacking the small triangles of dough onto his fork before sliding the whole lot through another coating of syrup. “You don’t have any obligation to stay anymore. Consider the job done.”
I swallowed. I couldn’t give it all back, but…
“I should give you some of the money,” I said. But my heart was saying something different, something bubbling up inside my chest with such force that I couldn’t ignore it, consequences be damned. “No, all of it. I didn’t follow through on the whole of my side of the deal. They weren’t supposed to be able to tell, and they all did.”
Xavi shook his head without even pausing, chewing and swallowing his sweet mouthful. My gaze dropped down to his lips for a moment, thought of licking sticky syrup away from them. “It’s okay,” he said. “Think of it as a gift. For your sister. I hope she gets better.”
I hesitated.
What was I supposed to say to that? How could I encompass everything in just one or two sentences? How hard it was for Daisy to get better, how much she still had left to go though, how badly we needed this money? The gratitude that I felt but also the guilt, because I had such a keen awareness of exactly how much money this was and how hard it would be to afford that on our salaries? How I wished there was a way I could refuse the money and instead take his heart, only I knew that would be even more selfish still?
“Thank you,” I said, finally, because it was all I could say. I took a bite of the food. It was rich and there was so much of it, and I could eat my fill here for free. I could eat so much I didn’t need a meal for the rest of the day and save myself some money. But for some reason, all this beautiful food tasted like ash in my mouth, and every bite made me think I was going to be sick. “Is it really okay for me to go after this?”
Xavi nodded stiffly and didn’t say another word.
The food wasn’t the only thing I was having trouble digesting, and as much as I sensed he felt the same, I knew there was nothing I could do about it. It stung to let him hurt, but hurting a little now was a lot better than having his heart broken in the longer run.
“So,” Olly said, looking at me. I hadn’t heard him talk at all for the whole meal, and I blinked in surprise. “Did you catch the tennis results from Europe?”
I had to hold myself back from laughing. “I didn’t, I’m afraid,” I said. I looked at Xavi. He was almost done with his food, and he’d slowed down like someone does when they’re full but felt obliged to finish the plate. “Actually, I think I’m going to head out, now.”
A good enough way to escape a tennis conversation. And as good a time as any. They all knew. There was no point in hanging around. If I left now, I could still get to Daisy for a few hours before I went to work this evening.
“Right,” Xavi nodded, his voice hollow.
“It was nice meeting you all,” I said sincerely, glancing around the table as I stood. I groped for my cane, surprised when I felt it being pressed into my hand. Xavi had picked it up to hand it to me. “I’m sorry I lied to you about who I am. You’re good friends for Xavi.” I made sure I looked at Keaton as I said the last part. He gave me the tiniest nod.Message received. He would continue to be as good a friend as he was able – and, I was sure, not just because I’d asked him to.
“I’ll walk you out,” Xavi mumbled, getting to his feet.
“I still have to go back to my room and get my bag,” I pointed out, not wanting to inconvenience him. This was awkward enough for him, and he’d been so brave in coming clean.
“It’s okay,” he said, and I had the feeling he didn’t want to argue about it in front of the others. I relented and we walked together back to the lobby, approaching the elevators and then slowing to a stop.
“Well,” I said.
Xavi nodded. “Right.”
This felt too loaded. Too emotional. I needed to bring us back down to earth a little. “It’s not like we’re never going to see each other again,” I said. “In fact, I’ll see you in the morning.”
Xavi lifted his eyes and looked at me. “Not quite in the same way, though,” he replied.
He was right. Being together in the dry and professional environment of the office was going to be a very far cry from waking up in bed together. I’d only experienced it twice. Only one of those times were we even anywhere close to beingtogether. So, why did that feel like such a wrench?
I wet my lips as I thought carefully of what to say. “All the same,” I settled for, nodding at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
And then for twenty-six more days after that.
