It was a shame I couldn’t be that for him, but he already knew that I was leaving. Not just the hotel here today, but Crowhill Cove. I would be gone, and someone else would have to step up to take him on the next part of his journey.
Regret rolled like sweat down the back of my spine and I tried to ignore it, closing my eyes and practicing gratitude for the fact I’d been able to do a good deed and help someone who needed it. If the thought of him kissing and making love with another man burned jealousy like acid into my heart, that was my problem. Not something to lay at Xavi’s door.
He stirred lightly and then I felt him go still – too still.
I waited a moment for him to adjust to everything before letting him know that I was awake, too.
“Morning,” I said, my voice rumbling more than I had expected from the sleep.
Xavi cleared his throat and sat up abruptly, facing away from me. “Hi,” he said, leaning forward and looping his elbows over his knees, his back a smooth plane angled away from me.
I swallowed. “Don’t do that,” I said.
“What?” Xavi asked, running a hand back over his short hair.
“Close yourself off again,” I said. I reached out a hand and rested it on his warm back, settling against the curve of his spine. Last night had been such good progress. I couldn’t let him retreat back into himself. “Don’t be embarrassed. Last night was amazing.”
I heard him audibly swallow. “You enjoyed it?”
I chuckled lightly. “There’s a full condom in the trash that answers that question.”
“Yeah, but…” Xavi trailed off. He still wasn’t looking around at me. I stroked my hand up and down his back gently a few times. “Even…”
“All of it,” I clarified for him, so he could have no misunderstanding. “Everything. And I was right, wasn’t I? About it being better like that?”
Xavi looked over his shoulder at me shyly, his eyes sheltered my his lashes. “Yes,” he admitted. “I’ve never… felt it like that.”
I smiled proudly. At least I’d left him with one thing to take away from this weekend that was deeper than just being a prop on his arm. “Speaking of which,” I said, slowly shuffling my aching body upright. “I should get into the shower.”
“Me, too,” Xavi said. Then he looked at me, a naked question in his eyes.
I hesitated. But I couldn’t give him false hope. I was leaving. And by the end of today, this business relationship would be over. I couldn’t let him pin everything on me and then disappear back into the hurt when I left in just a short time. It wasn’t as if I had any plans of ever coming back once the move was complete and Daisy’s surgery had gone through.
“I’ll go first,” I said, firmly cementing the idea that our showers would be separate. “I’m a little stiff and sore from last night. I need the warm water on my muscles.”
Xavi half-turned towards me, need flaring in his eyes. “I’ll help,” he said. “I can support you if you’re aching.”
I gave him a half-smile, mostly regret. “It’s a small space in there,” I said. “I’d be better off alone so I can lean against the wall or sit down if I need to.”
I didn’t let him argue with me or come up with a reason why it would be better for us to go together, after all. I swung my legs around, out of the bed, and walked the two or three steps into the bathroom. As soon as I’d cleared the door, I closed it behind me, snapping the lock into place.
I sank my forehead against the cool surface of the back of the door and closed my eyes, waiting for my heart to stop hammering in my chest.
It wasn’t just the exhaustion or the renewed ache in my leg. It was the thought of leaving him.
But it wasn’t like I had another option. And leaving now, before I got in too deep, was a much better idea than pretending like we had a chance for the rest of the month first.
I let the burn of pain in my leg take over. Everything I needed to do was focused around catering to it, trying to ease my poor body through the day. I got under the water and managed to find a way to sit, my head back under the water and my leg stretched out straight in front of me, sticking out of the half-open shower door. I shampooed and rinsed, washing my body as best as I could in this position, and then leaned back against the wall, letting myself breathe for a moment without the water on my face. It rained down against my chest instead, as if trying hard to erase any trace of what Xavi and I had done last night.
By the time I eased out into the room again, wrapped in a towel as high up my chest as I could manage without it being too short at the other end, Xavi looked different. He was sitting up on the side of the bed, half-dressed, a pile of clothes neatly folded beside him. He got up without a word and took my place in the bathroom, leaving me to slowly dry off and dress and think about how I was going to leave in time to get to my shift tonight – because having a great night’s sleep in a nice hotel was a reason to do more work, not less.
I was ready to go downstairs when he emerged, fully dressed. I took my cane and followed him out of the room, and he didn’t try to reach for my hand. No one else appeared to be around. I guessed there was no point in keeping up the charade if there was no one to see it.
The elevator doors welcomed us silently, and we stood in silence side by side. I tried to look at Xavi sideways, to try to tell what he was thinking.
I cleared my throat.
“I wanted to leave before six if that’s possible,” I said. “If it won’t be, I’d like to know so I can rearrange some things.”
