Even as soon as we stepped into the corridor, there was a buzz in the atmosphere that was palpable. I wondered how many of the guests here in the hotel were coming to the wedding. It was probably the majority, even if only those we had met last night were a large part of the invite list. I could hear music coming from downstairs as the elevator traveled down, something to offset the awkward silence, and it got louder as we stepped out into the lobby.
“Hey,” Xavi said roughly, and reached out his hand, looking away from me.
I looked down and considered it for a moment. He was offering, not taking. Given that I’d stopped him from kissing me last night, it looked like it cost him a lot of pride to stick his hand out like that.
I took his hand and held it softly within my own, feeling him settle and squeeze back, our hands fitting together perfectly.
The lobby was filled with people in suits and flowing summer dresses, most of whom I didn’t recognize at all. It was funny, what Xavi had said about the likelihood of me running into some of his friends later on. Crowhill Cove wasn’t a huge town, but here I was, surrounded by strangers.
“Where are we going?” I asked, glancing around. The hotel seemed transformed from yesterday. Flowers were everywhere, and a large chart next to the entrance to the restaurant clearly denoted the seating arrangements for later on at lunch. There was a suited usher, in the hotel’s uniform but very polished, gesturing to those milling about in the lobby and pointing them towards another set of double doors. “That way?”
“Looks like it,” Xavi muttered. “Come on.”
“Hey!” a voice called out cheerfully, and I saw Keaton rushing out of the ceremony hall towards us. He beckoned to Xavi, who quickly started pulling me along after him in that direction. “You want to sit with us? I saved you a space!”
“Okay,” Xavi said. The transformation in his voice on that one word almost choked me. I stole a look at his face as we followed Keaton. He was smiling, lighting up his face in contrast to the dark storm he’d been wearing all morning.
Oh, Xavi, I thought. My heart clenched in my chest. All he needed was affection. Praise. Friendship and love. But all he did was push away the people who tried to offer it to him. I understood him completely for that one moment, pieces falling into place.
I don’t need a boyfriend, he’d said last night. The fact that he’d hired me kind of suggested otherwise. And now I had confirmation.
He needed love.
He needed someone to show him that he was loveable, and then he could stop all of the pretending. The fake snark to hide the pain, the denials, the constant carousel of new men every weekend. None of them really connected with him, and that was the problem.
But I was his hired actor, not someone who could help him.
I let him take the seat next to Keaton, leaving me on the aisle. The hall was beautiful. Red and orange flowers intertwined along the sides of the seats and over an archway at the front of the room, making it look like the whole space was bursting into flame – but much sweeter-smelling.
The long rows of seats were filled. I saw a few more people now who I half-recognized – either from last night’s meal, from the fact that a few of them were football players, or from somewhere around town, probably. With any luck, if any of them recognized me, it would be in the same way: as someone they had vaguely seen around somewhere, perhaps in a bar or a café, but didn’t actually know.
A hush fell over the space as music began to play from somewhere, a bridal march. The space under the archway was empty except for an officiant in a smart black suit and Caleb Coleman, standing on one side, with a man I didn’t know on the other. The best men, I realized. Now that I thought about it, the other one had been at dinner last night, but right at the other end of the table. With how big the party was, I hadn’t even heard him speak.
Two doors at the back of the room opened, both timed so exactly that they must have been cued by the music. The grooms, Aiden and Cade, stepped through them, both grinning widely. Cade wore a suit of deep green that offset his hair, and Aiden wore vibrant blue, the kind of color only a very self-confident man could pull off.
Even from here, I could see they both had tears in their eyes as they looked at each other.
With a smooth and choreographed movement, they both walked towards one another. Cade stepped out onto the carpet that led down the aisle first, Aiden following him. It was wide enough that they could have walked together, but I thought I saw what they were getting at with the symbolism: they would walk up the aisle separately, but leave as one.
Once they reached the front and the gasps, cheers, chuckles, and sniffles from the gathered audience died away, they began the ceremony in earnest. There were readings, vows, statements about the sanctity of marriage… my mind wandered, unable to focus on what was obviously such an important and meaningful moment – for people I didn’t know.
What color scheme would I want to represent me at my wedding, I wondered? Maybe white, just like this suit I was already wearing. I almost snorted to myself at the thought, keeping silent at the last minute when I remembered where I was. How funny, if I never had enough money for a new suit and had to marry in this one, too. Our venue would probably be the back of the office where the officiant worked. I doubted we would even be able to afford to hire a room.
Not that there was a ‘we’.
Someday, maybe. But who would take me on, with all my debts and my family obligations and my disability?
That was the part that really stung. I’d never found anyone who wanted to stick around long enough to deal with all my baggage. When things got serious, it was always the same: I didn’t spend enough time with them, I was always working, when I was home I needed so much extra care and attention.
It wasn’t like that. I had my own routines and habits. I could take care of myself. It was when people – boyfriends – tried to interfere with my routines or do things for me that it got out of control.
If I didn’t manage my disability properly, I couldn’t work. If I couldn’t work, I couldn’t look after my sister. What did they want me to do, abandon her? That was the one thing I could never do.
Maybe someone would give me a chance someday, but I wasn’t holding out hope. It wasn’t like I was helpless. I could get along fine by myself for as long as I needed to. Prince Charming would come along and whisk me off my feet someday, but until then, I was just fine as I was.
There was a cheer around me, rising in pitch and intensity, and I realized I’d spaced out through the whole thing. Aiden and Cade were married. They were kissing. I got to my feet along with everyone else, clapping belatedly.
From beside me, I heard a hoarse whoop. I looked at Xavi. His face appeared wet. He caught me looking, wiped his hands over his cheeks, and jutted his jaw forward as if defying me to comment.
