“Fuck, then I don’t know,” I said, raising my arms and dropping them in frustration. Something was building up inside of me – something that needed to explode. I was losing him. There was nothing I could say to stop it happening.
I was hurt. More hurt than I’d expected to be, but somehow just as much as I’d ultimately known would happen. I was angry. Maybe more at myself than at Ace.
Maybe if I hadn’t been the world’s biggest asshole a few years ago, there would be a chance for us now. A chance to work through Ace’s hang-ups and all of it. But I’d ruined that from the get-go, and we were never going to have a chance.
It fucking sucked, and I hated it, and I didn’t have anyone to take it out on – and the way that made me feel meant I was going to take it out on someone anyway.
“Oh, god,” Ace said, covering his face and groaning. “We really messed up. We have to come up with something.”
“You know what, why don’t you think of something?” I snapped. Rage was bubbling up inside of me now. I could feel it – like a volcano. “Why do I have to be the one to come up with a fucking lie so you can pretend you don’t even know me?”
Ace’s face blanched. He looked at me like I’d slapped him. “It’s not…” he started, but he and I both knew there was no way he could finish that sentence.
It’s not like that?
Yes, it fucking was.
“Do you know what it’s like to fuck someone and then immediately be told they need you to come up with an excuse so no one might ever suspect we even hung out together?” I asked, not even caring that I was shouting. “Do you actually know what that feels like?”
“I’m… I’m sorry, I…” Ace said, then bit his lip and shut up.
I knew why.
He could apologize for making me feel pain as much as he wanted… but he wasn’t going to take it back. He hadn’t changed his mind. Even if he felt bad about it, he was still going to make me lie again.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” I said, holding a hand against my head, blocking my eyes. “I should have just stayed by the pool. I didn’t… I can’t keep letting you treat me this way.”
Ace looked down, and I could see him compose himself. “You’re right,” he said. “It’s been shitty of me. But I can’t be in a relationship with you, and I didn’t want the others to be talking about us all weekend.”
I snorted. “Yeah, how terrible that would be,” I said. “If your friends were aware that you had a sex life.”
“It’s my right to keep it private,” Ace said. He was bristling, now, too. With an angry sweep of his arm, he grabbed some clothes from beside the bed, holding them to one side and away from the mess on his stomach as he stood up. “What do you want me to do, take a selfie with you and send it to everyone with fucking love hearts around it?”
“Why would that be so terrible?” I snapped. I was done. Over it. I couldn’t keep feeling like shit because he didn’t want to be with me. If he didn’t, fine. But he didn’t have to keep rubbing it in over and over, reinforcing how awful a person I was, making me feel one inch tall.
“Because we’re not together,” Ace said, throwing his clothes into the bathroom with an exasperated raise of his arms. “Why would we need to be public if we’re not together?”
“And why can’t we be together?” I challenged him. I was breaking my own heart doing this, I knew. I had already told myself we couldn’t do this. He needed to embrace himself and who he was and get over this thing that was holding him back. Even if he did, there was no guarantee it was me who he would want to be with.
But I had to hear him say it, somehow. I had to hammer the nail into my own coffin. If I didn’t… I would probably wonder for the rest of my life whether saying something would have made any difference.
“Because…” Ace stammered a second, looking to the ceiling as if for inspiration, waving his hands vaguely. “Because I don’t want an asshole for a boyfriend!”
“Nice,” I said, shaking my head. “You know I’m not like that anymore.”
“Why are you making this more complicated than it needs to be?” Ace asked, pinching his nose and shaking his head. “Why are you even bringing up a relationship?”
“Because that’s what I want,” I fired back, letting passion get the better of me. I was saying too much. I was laying my heart bare, and that was dangerous. I was letting him stamp all over it – but I couldn’t hold myself back. “You’re telling me it’s not what you want?”
There was a moment. A heartbeat.
“No,” Ace said.
But his voice…
It had faltered.
He wasn’t sure.
