“It isn’t?” I repeated. I shook my head. “Look, I know our little town didn’t have a lot of queer representation, but it’s not like I just stayed there my whole life. I’ve been around other towns, other states, been to Pride celebrations and queer events. I know other gay men. You know what they all told me? That when they were younger, they met straight men who took advantage of them for some quick fun and then ditched them when it was time to go traditional. Wanting someone to kiss – wanting someone to suck you off – that’s not the same as wantingme.”
Olly wetted his lips, his tongue flicking out and back in again. The movement captivated me for a moment and sent heat down my spine. Damnit. That wasn’t supposed to be what we were doing here.
“I understand what you’re saying,” he said. “But I don’t think that’s how I feel.”
“Then how do you feel?” I asked, folding my arms over my chest.
Olly looked down at his hands for a long time. “If I say it,” he said at last. “Then it’s real.”
“What is?” I prompted.
“I’m…” he paused and bit his lip. “I’m… scared.”
The vulnerable sound in his voice almost brought me to my knees. It took me everything I had not to throw myself across the other side of the room and wrap my arms around him. I wanted him so badly, I couldn’t deny that. But I also knew that going through a little pain now would be worth it if it meant he couldn’t hurt me further down the line by discarding me like yesterday’s trash.
“What are you scared of?” I asked, my voice dropping to just above a whisper.
“Changing everything,” he said. He looked up and met my eyes. “I want it. What you said.”
I thought back, amusement just brushing the edges of my voice when I repeated my own words. “Someone to kiss, someone to suck you off?”
His cheeks darkened again and something in his eyes went wild for a moment, a flash of animalistic want that took my breath away. He cleared his throat. “That.” He took a breath. “But there are other things that come with it.”
I tilted my head. What was he getting at? “Holding hands and skipping?”
The corners of his mouth quirked into a smile. At least he hadn’t lost his sense of humor. “No. I mean. My… self.”
Realization dawned on me.
I should have seen it sooner. It was a process I’d been through myself. Realizing that I was different. That I didn’t feel the same way as everyone else.
It was a big step to take. Once I’d allowed myself to say, and to fully embrace, the word ‘gay’, a lot of things had changed. My family, my friends, the way I was treated at school – even the way I saw myself. Overall, I knew the change had been more good than bad. I was living authentically instead of fighting against my own nature with every step.
But saying it out loud? Admitting it, even to yourself? That was huge.
My mouth went dry. I didn’t want to force Olly into something he wasn’t ready for.
“You don’t have to,” I started, but he cut me off before I could finish.
“I don’t think I’m straight,” he said out loud.
Olly
I breathed hard. For a moment it was like the room spun around me.
But then everything settled when I looked up and into Keaton’s eyes. He had crossed the room to kneel in front of me. One of his hands rested on my arm.
“How do you feel?” he asked.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “I never considered it before. I know I like at least one man. That probably means something.”
Keaton chuckled. “No, I mean – how do you feel?”
“Oh.” I thought about it cautiously for a moment. “Okay.”
“No panic?” Keaton asked. “No regret?”
I studied his face. His lips were perfect. I could drown in his eyes. “No regret,” I said.
