I rested my chin on my arms, bringing my knees up to my chest and folding my arms over them. I couldn’t imagine how it would feel. Knowing that not only the sport you loved – your potential future career – but even your ability to graduate college was in jeopardy. What would he do if he had to leave? Get a job?
I slid my eyes closed at the thought of him leaving. It was too painful.
I breathed a ragged breath to try to get my heartbeat under control.
I had feelings for him, didn’t I?
This wasn’t the way this year was supposed to go. I was supposed to study hard and meet new people and have fun. I wasn’t supposed to share a room with my high school bully – and I sure as hell wasn’t supposed to have feelings for him.
This was a mess.
When he was better, I would take that room assignment. I had to. It was the only way this could end well. I had to get a new roommate – because Olly didn’t feel the same way as I did, and he was never going to, and we were both just going to end up getting hurt. I realized now I could trust him physically – even when he seemed like he was losing control – but that didn’t mean he couldn’t hurt my feelings.
I just couldn’t leave him until I knew he was going to be okay.
Olly
“Alright,” Keaton said. “That’s enough for today.”
I sighed. “Really? I don’t want to stop.”
Keaton checked his watch and stared at me. “We’ve been studying for six hours straight. That’s enough for anyone, even me.”
I looked towards the window glumly. It was falling dark outside. We’d started studying after an early lunch. I had needed to do something to take my mind off the fact that it was the first Saturday since my injury. That, and the fact that my results had come back: they’d told me I definitely did have dyscalculia. I was struggling to cope with the thoughts that I was stupid, that there was something wrong with me. I didn’t have any outlet to get it all out with practice or in the gym.
Staying in the dorm instead of going out to practice in the evenings in the week had been okay. It just felt like the days when we didn’t have practice. I could pretend.
But a whole Saturday with no practice at all? That was a lot harder to ignore.
“I need to do something,” I said. “I need to distract myself.”
Keaton sighed. “I’m just studied out, Olly. Sorry. I can’t do any more tonight. I don’t think you should, either. It’s not going to stick in your brain properly – it’s just a waste of time.”
I wasn’t going to push it.
I knew how I had acted before I got hurt wasn’t right. I’d been so stressed about doing well in class I had started taking it out on Keaton. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he looked when I yelled at him.
Like he still thought I was going to hit him.
I never wanted him to think that way again.
He wouldn’t let me apologize. He said it was all forgotten about. If I couldn’t apologize then I would have to show him instead. I’d have to prove to him I wasn’t like he thought I was.
Whatever he wanted to do was fine by me.
“Fine.” I closed up my notebook and started packing things away.
“If you want,” Keaton said. “We can put another horror movie on my laptop and watch that.”
I nodded and grinned. “We should get something to eat, too.”
“Isn’t one of your teammates bringing up dinner?”
I nodded. I grabbed my phone. “I’ll text Caleb and ask him to bring two servings. We just kind of get whatever they’re serving. It might not be something that you like.”
“You don’t need to do that,” Keaton said, shaking his head and getting up from the bed. “I don’t want to burden your friend. I’ll just go grab something myself.”
“It’s fine,” I said. I smiled. “Caleb’s not my friend. He’s the one who hit me. He’s trying to make it up to me by bringing me my dinner. He’ll probably get bored of it within the week. We might as well take advantage of it while he’s still keen.”
