My memory took me back to that day against my will. I remembered how it was funny at first. How everyone was laughing and picking on him like always. He was a scrawny nerd – not a football player. An easy target. Even before he came out, there was always a suspicion about him.
He was an easy target. He had a sister, but she was younger. She couldn’t defend him or stand up for him. Except for one day she did, the first year she came to the high school. I remembered so clearly how that just made things worse. How people would ask him if his baby sister was going to come and bail him out.
I was there when they started. I even joined in at first. Tapped him, really. It was funny when they were all just annoying him. Little taps on the shoulder so he had to keep looking around. It was funny when they weren’t doing it hard.
And then someone made his nose bleed and it started to get less funny.
When they got him onto the ground and they carried on, I had slipped away.
I didn’t know if he had ever even noticed that. If he had been conscious enough to know that I had gone. I hadn’t wanted to be involved anymore.
But I hadn’t stopped them.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “It should never have happened. You didn’t deserve that.”
“No one deserves that.” Keaton’s eyes were hard as flint.
I nodded slowly. I looked down. “You’re right.”
“And they just let you leave so you could still get your football scholarship.”
I nodded again. “It’s not fair.” The wrench in my chest was almost unbearable. Even in these short few weeks, I had gotten to know him so much better. The thought of seeing him lying on the ground like that again tore me up. I would never leave him now if it happened again. I was bigger and stronger now, too. I wouldn’t walk away. I would stand my ground and stop them. Even if it meant getting beaten down myself.
But none of that mattered, did it? Because it had happened once already. And I had not protected him then.
“It shouldn’t have happened,” I said. I put my notebook to the side and turned to face him. I had to show him how sorry I was. “I shouldn’t have been involved. But I was. And because I was there, I should have stopped it. I didn’t. I’m sorry for all of that. Most of all I’m sorry because now I know you.”
Keaton half-scoffed again. “You think it was wrong just because you know me?”
“No.” I had the feeling this was coming out wrong. I looked at my hands. “I knew it was wrong. That was why I backed away and left. When they got you down on the ground. I couldn’t watch. But… I know, now. I should have stayed. I should have done more – I should have stopped them before they could hit you more.”
Keaton’s face softened just a tiny amount. “You couldn’t have. Just you against the whole football team – you’d have ended up getting beaten up next to me.”
“I went for help,” I said. My voice cracked. He wasn’t letting me off. I wasn’t going to let him. I deserved his anger. I deserved for him to hate me and want nothing to do with me. It felt like a coward telling him what I had done. Like I was trying to excuse myself. “I went and got a teacher like I was a little kid. I could have tried. They might have listened to me.”
“You were the one that got help?” Keaton asked. I looked up. He was staring at me wide-eyed. “That was you?”
I twisted my lips miserably. “It wasn’t enough,” I said. “I should have said something before it got to that point. Even before that. The teasing. It wasn’t okay. I’ll never forgive myself for any of it.”
Keaton bit his lip and looked down. “This isn’t what I was trying to do when I started this conversation,” he said. His voice was quiet. “I didn’t want to make things awkward.”
“Then what?” I asked. If I knew what he wanted, I could give it to him.
“I don’t know,” Keaton confessed. He paused and took a breath. I could see him making an effort toward something. “But I’m glad we did speak about it.”
“Yeah?” I asked. I raised an eyebrow. It surprised me somehow. He’d seemed so angry. I didn’t think he would be happy with just an apology.
“It’s good to clear the air,” Keaton said. He nodded as if to himself. “I feel a little lighter. I always thought the teacher just came across us.”
I clenched my fist under the table where he couldn’t see. He was too good. Too nice. I should have done something. Just wanting to wasn’t enough. He was forgiving me too easily.
“I thought you would have known,” I said. I couldn't stop myself from talking. I wanted to shut it off, but it wouldn’t stop. I was desperate for his approval. Desperate to make myself better in his eyes. All the time, I didn’t believe it myself. “I had to leave. The team. They knew I was the one who did it. They all shut me out. Not anything like what happened to you – not at all. I just… I left so I could play on a team that would work with me. Not with those assholes.”
Keaton nodded slowly. Like he was making sense of everything bit by bit in his head. “You helped me.”
“No,” I whispered. It was all I could think of. I hadn’t done enough. I had barely done a thing.
“So,” Keaton said, giving his head a little shake as if to move on. He didn’t even acknowledge what I had said. Like he just wanted to brush it all under the carpet. He was even smiling a little. “Right, this exercise. So, do you have the hang of compound interest now?”
