I roll my eyes. “And you’d leave me with that guilt? No way. No thanks.” I walk closer, about to give him my phone.
I swear he’s going to smile, but he doesn’t. Instead he takes the phone, enters in his first name and number, and hands it back to me.
We stay in the gym for I don’t know how long. This wasn’t in my plans today and I’m actually surprised he decided to take me up on the offer.
That’s the thing about Colson Burke, though. He seems like he’s full of surprises.
nine
Colson
Kevin
checking to make sure you’re still alive
no one’s heard from you
Istareatthemessages from Kevin and my stomach turns. Today has been rough. Without the distraction of practicing with Sadie, or the kids, it’s like the only thing creeping around me is the uncertainty of what’s next.
For the first time since being out here, I miss the city, my friends. The coffee shop I’d run to on the weekends when I wasn’t traveling for an away game. The late night diner we’d go to after having a couple drinks. Familiarity. Comfort. Little pockets of the city that didn’t care that I was NBA Player Colson Burke. To them, I was just Colson.
What now? Is there a next team? Do I want there to be? Is it even a possibility?
I know I’ll have to come clean about everything that led to the public blow up. I don’t expect my behavior to go unchecked, but it all feels impossible.
Kevin is one of my closest friends. The guy who I love to do nothing with. I text him back because I don’t want him to worry.
Me
alive
thanks for checking
That’s all I have in me. I don’t tell him about the shoulder rehab and he doesn’t ask. Another reason why I know he’s one of the real ones. He’s always had a knack for being interested in me as a person, not only the NBA version of me.
Once I’m sure the messages go through, I turn my phone off. The curtains aren’t closed all the way and I can see the sun is about to go down. I’ve wasted a whole day.
I’ve done nothing besides slather peanut butter and jelly on bread, sleeping on and off, and feeling like I’m in a vice grip at the hands of life. Or maybe it’s grief.
Closing my eyes, I try a technique a sports therapist gave me this season. Envisioning the sound of the waves, my feet in the sand, the water pulling in and around me. How the water feels on my skin. What does it sound like? Anything I can smell?
The thoughts keep crowding me. The beach and grounding sounds are too far away. Each time my mind wanders it’s like a kick to the dick, making me even more frustrated.
I’m in walking distance to an actual lake. Fucking idiot. Why are you trying to think about it when you could do it? I throw the blankets off me, put on socks, walk down the stairs, and put my shoes on.
I have a general sense of where the water is. I can figure this out.
Starting in the backyard, I move toward the water. My mom and I did this once, when I gifted her the house. She was so excited to be this close to water. Seeing her face light up was one of my favorite parts of the trip. I even took a picture of her—she’s standing with her feet in the water, almost to her knees, her arms out to her sides and head tipped towards the sky. I had no idea that would be the only time we’d be together in this place. The one she dreamed of.
Fuck. I wish she was here.
While I’m beating myself up and trying not to let the darkness suck me in, I’m practically running on the sand. My breath is quick and barely like I can grab enough air. Pain travels from my shoulders down to my fingers.
I lose my socks and shoes and get my feet in the water. The cold takes my breath away but feels like it could soothe the burn I simply can’t shake.
I’ve always known what comes next. The goal was always the NBA. I made sure I played two years in college to go in the first round of the draft—I was picked second, not first, but it was more than I could’ve hoped for. After that, it’s been growth and building a reputation, so I can stay in the league as long as I want.
Everything else came after. I thought if I could keep basketball, grow that success, anything else would sting less. For a while that worked. It’s like, even if I didn’t get exactly what I wanted or if things went south, at least I still had basketball. The game kept me together until it absolutely ripped me to shreds.
