The beginning of panic gripped Sam’s chest, stirring confusing as desire raced through him too. “That’s all I can give you.” He’d tried a relationship, quickly realising he couldn’t commit to a single person. Sex had become a crutch, a way to cope with his past.
“I’m not asking for anything.” Axel shifted the bag in his arms, one that Sam hadn’t even noticed. “Your bathroom through there?”
Sam blinked, startled by the sudden shift in conversation. “My bathroom?”
Axel turned towards the kitchen, opening doors until he found what he was looking for. Within seconds Sam heard water running, steam quickly escaping.
“What are you doing?” he asked when he found Axel kneeling by the freestanding bath, pouring what looked like milk into the water. The subtle scent of lavender drifted from the bubbles, and Sam felt the strain on his shoulders already relaxing.
“What does it look like? I’m trying to look after you.”
“I thought you had come over to…” He couldn’t seem to finish his sentence.
“You thought I came over to What? Have sex? Hours after you’ve been attacked?” Axel looked horrified. “Bloody hell Sam, I’m fucked up, but I’m not that fucked up. I was celibate until last night, I’m not –”
“Celibate?” Sam’s smile faltered. “I… fuck. I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have –”
“I don’t regret it,” Axel interrupted, his voice a deep timbre. “I realised I was using the celibacy as a weapon, and it wasn’t healthy.” Turning off the tap he checked the water, his fingers creating ripples as he gently broke the surface. “I’ve realised a lot of things that I do that aren’t healthy.” Axel sat back on his heels, waiting with patience as Sam hesitated in the doorway. “It’s not easy, you know, admitting you have a problem.”
Sam flicked his attention to the glistening water before returning to Axel.
“I’ve added some special oils, they’ll help the aches without risking scars.” Axel’s eyes dipped to Sam’s chest. “It’s an old Chinese recipe,” he continued when Sam remained uncharacteristically silent.
“You’re not Chinese.”
Axel’s upper lip twitched.
An unrecognisable emotion wrapped around Sam’s chest, tightening with every step closer to the bath. The temperature was hot when he finally sank into the water, and he immediately let out a moan. “Thank you.”
Axel shrugged, leaning against the edge. “It’s just a bath.”
Sam shifted his legs, too tall to fully submerge himself. He sat up, the milky water pooling at his waist. “So… why were you celibate?”
Axel’s lashes dropped low over his eyes. “At first it was a fuck you to my mum, but after a while I used it as a way to control a single aspect of my life.” He scratched his nails down his jeans. “It’s hard to explain.”
“No, I understand completely.” Sam clasped his hands beneath the water, his hair drifting forward over his shoulders to create a protective curtain. “You said I fucked everything that moves, but that’s not entirely true.”
Axel cursed. “I didn’t mean it; I was angry and wasn’t thinking.”
Sam shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, but I don’t sleep with just anyone, actually I’m very particular who I fuck.”
“You don’t need to explain to me.”
“Please, let me finish.” A knot formed in the pit of his stomach. “I need to finish, to explain, because I understand the need for control. Control over my body was taken from me when I was young. I fuck a lot of people, but Ichoosewho I fuck. It has to be on my terms.”
The silence was cutting, and Sam dared look up as his fingers twisted uneasily.
“My old therapist once told me that sexual promiscuity after abuse, especially as a child, is a way for the victim to gain power in a situation they had no control of when they were young.” A gentle shrug. “So aye, I understand where you’re coming from.”
Axel reached over to brush Sam’s hair from his shoulder, combing his fingers through the strands. “We’re a unique pair.”
The water had cooled, and Sam pulled his knees up towards his chest. His skin was as soft as silk, his bruises no longer aching as much.
“We’re too fucked up; it would never work.”Hewas too fucked up. Sam knew he needed constant validation in order to feel, and Axel wouldn’t be enough. He’d made peace with never settling down, content in never committing. But right then, there was a sadness, an emotion buried so deeply, he hadn’t even realised it was there.
“Sam, look at me.”
Sam clenched his jaw, but he followed the gentle command only to find Axel had moved closer. And just like that Sam wanted him, lust bursting through all the uncomfortable emotions that were forcing themselves to the surface after being suppressed for so long.
