“Lanie!” I screamed. Her name came out as a plea. A howl. My head landed in my hands as I bent forward.
“Logan,” she said, kneeling in front of me. “Becca told me you helped her, that you stopped the guy from doing anything else to her.” She took my hands in hers, holding them close to her face, her mouth.
“You don’t understand,” I said, jumping up. She was startled as I stood, Xander coming to her side. “Earlier today, I went back to the rugby house, where the party was. And the guys have been great, they kicked the guy off the team.”
They nodded in approval but were confused why I was still upset.
“They said he had a past, there had been rumors they didn’t listen to about him. That they should have. And if they had, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”
Lanie’s eyes softened.
“I went to the police station, picked up some information for Ava for her to press charges against the guy.” I ran out of breath and needed to draw in some air.
The two of them stood motionless, hanging on my next word.
“I’m him. I’m that asshole, Lanie.” My tears were abundant now, streaming down my face. “I did this…to you.”
She stood to come even closer to me, but I stopped her with my hands up, my head shaking. Xander came and held her by the shoulder.
“I’m no better than he is,” I howled. Making that realization made my insides twist in disgust. “I’m no fucking better than him, Lanie! Why didn’t you press charges against me?”
Lanie stepped closer, tentative with her hand as she touched my arm. “Logan,” she said softly. “You’re nothing like him. From what Becca said, there was actual sexual assault that took place with him and Ava. You did not do that to me.”
Bending at the waist, I worked to control my breathing. The sweat beaded on my forehead and dripped down my back. I ripped my coat off, tossing it on the chair.
Looking up at the guy who once hated me, I said, “Xander, why didn’t you force her to go the police about me?”
He looked between me and Lanie, seeming unsure if he wanted to step in. But when he looked back at me, he raised his shoulders and took a step my way.
“Listen, Logan. That night last year, I won’t lie, it’s not one of my favorite memories.” His hands went in his pockets, and it made me wonder if it was to keep from hitting me like he did that fateful night. “But you and I made our peace. And more importantly, so did you and Lanie. No, you shouldn’t have pushed yourself on her, but you were drunk. And you’re addressing that. But there’s one important aspect about that night that needs to be brought to your attention. The bigger issue with what happened between you two was Lanie’s past. That’s what threw her over the edge.” He moved next to Lanie, his arm wrapping around her waist as she looked at him with adoration. “What this guy did to Ava is so much worse, it doesn’t compare.”
The guy did hurt Ava. Badly. He did things to her I never would have considered doing to Lanie without consent, even while drunk.
I knew that. I did.
So why did I still feel like a monster?
Lanie pulled me by the hand to sit in the recliner again, while Xander rolled the desk chair nearby for her to sit in.
“How about I go get us some bottles of water?” Xander said.
Lanie nodded as he left us alone. She didn’t say anything as she sat across from me allowing for the quiet to be our sound. And in my current state of mind, the silence was loud enough. Eventually the muddiness in my head started to settle and clear.
“Good, your breathing is slowing,” Lanie said. “You’re doing well with whatever techniques your therapist is teaching you.”
Looking at Lanie now, it was hard to remember her as the painfully shy girl she was last year. The first time we met, she experienced a panic attack, and my heart broke for her. I knew all too well what she was dealing with.
Her troubled past, specifically her abusive ex, led to her dealing with extreme anxiety.
“I guess you never thought we’d have that in common, huh?” I asked.
“I think I knew it on a subconscious level. You were always nice to me when I was struggling.” She leaned back in her chair, comforted by my more relaxed state. “Ya know, Becca’s a mess looking for you, she’s been texting me nonstop. And I think they all might be here already.” She was checking her phone. “Ty too.”
This recent revelation that I was like the guy who did this to Ava turned my world upside down. How could she consider being with someone who had a past like mine after going through what she did? As much as I appreciated Lanie absolving me of any guilt about her, I wasn’t convinced that Ava could do the same.
What came next?
“When you say ‘they,’ who exactly do you mean?” I asked.
