She blew out a loud huff as if to gain strength.
“Life must go on, Ava. All people aren’t bad, and you have to trust your instincts and surround yourself with the good ones. Once you do that, you’ll feel comfortable opening up and givingyourself over to them.” She stopped, the pause giving me time to digest her words. “You obviously have someone in your life you have concerns about. Talk to me.”
Moms.
I guessed this was exactly why I called, but the thought of telling her about Logan made me nauseous. For so many reasons.
“Yeah,” I said, unsteadily. “It’s…my roommate, the guy who moved in this semester. So there’s a whole slew of issues.”
She remained silent.
“I, um, have some feelings for him, and it’s really confusing me because he has a past that bothers me, plus he’s my roommate. Macie and I made a pact that neither of us would get involved with him, for obvious reasons. And to top it off, he’s an asshole to me most of the time. Do you know what he calls me, Mom? Tink. He calls me Tink!”
All I heard was a muffled giggle on the other end of the line.
“Oh my god, are you laughing? What about this do you find funny?”
She stifled her giggles, finally.
“Most of it. Most except the part about his past. Tell me about that part, babe.”
The snow fell heavier outside and the mountain range was no longer visible. The storm Logan spoke about was really happening, and I was going to be stuck here with him, alone.
“Well, last year, he, um, did something to Lanie, the roommate who moved out, that really upset her. He touched her, held her down, and wouldn’t let her go until her now boyfriend came and pulled him off her. She freaked out.”
I heard my mom’s breathing increase slightly as she listened, but she remained quiet. And so did I.
But then I gave in.
“That doesn’t concern you?” My exasperation came through. I guess I was looking for her to tell me to run. Run far away from this guy, and I was shocked she hadn’t already.
“Of course it does, Ava. Is there anything else you can tell me? I mean, you’re living with him now. Plus you’re telling me you now have feelings for him, so there has to be something else you see in this Logan guy. Is there more to the story you’re not telling me? Or is that it?”
“Well, yeah,” I started, then stopped.
“Honey, if you want me to really help you, you need to talk to me, really talk to me. Or, if you already know the answer to your own question, then just move on.”
“OK, fine. He was drunk when he did it. Then left school last year to enter a program. He’s been sober since and works really hard at it. Turns out he’s a really nice guy. So nice that Lanieandher boyfriend are literally friends with him now.” I threw my hand on my forehead in my own frustration as I stared at the ceiling, somehow thinking the answer to all my issues would be written cryptically up there. “But I’ve been a bitch to him, and I don’t know why, well I guess I do, but I’m not sure I can forget what he did to Lanie. But I want to. And then there’s Macie, who would be so pissed at me if I did something with him…”
“Whoa, Ava, slow down, baby. You’re going to run out of breath.”
And I did. Slow down. And took a few breaths.
“What do I do, Mom?”
“Well, you need to decide one thing. Are you comfortable when he’s around? How does he make you feel? Nervous like he’s going to hurt you? Or nervous like you’ve got that feeling in your belly because, well, you know what I mean. He sounds like he’s repented for his sin, Lanie and her boyfriend have forgiven him. He’s never done anything to you, at least that I’m aware of. And as far as Macie is concerned, I understand the pact youmade, and it was probably for good reason. But sometimes you need to take risks in life. If this feels right, this might be one worth taking.”
Was she telling me to go for it?
“Ava, listen, I’ve never met this boy. I can’t speak with confidence that you should move forward with something with him. But what I do have confidence in is your intuition about things like this. I trust you. You would never put yourself in harm’s way. Trust your gut.”
Trust my gut.
“But he calls me Tink, Mom!”
“And your little friend in kindergarten, the one you said you were going to marry, remember him? I think his name was Pete. What did he used to call you? Wasn’t it something like ‘dragon breath’? Boys make fun of the ones they like.”
Trust my gut.
