“Yes, me,” Fitz confirmed, a bit raggedly.He swallowed hard.“I think you should marry me.”
Caroline exploded off the chaise to pace before him, her sharp movements lacking their usual economical grace.“I told you from the beginning, I don’t wish to marry anyone.You agreed!You feel the same!”
“Ah, but I’m notanyone—I’m your…your friend, remember?”Fitz watched her stalk back and forth, her agitation kicking out the skirts of her drab gown to flutter around her legs.Every muscle in his body ached to go to her, to stop her frantic motion and soothe it with a kiss, but he forced himself still.“I wouldn’t be the sort of husband who would demand things of you or try to stop you doing what you like.I promise not to interfere with your work—in fact, I’d like to help, in whatever capacity I can.”
“You would…you would leave London?”
She sounded bewildered.Fitz ached.“I hate London, actually.Always preferred the countryside, as I told you.I haven’t traveled much but if we were married, well, whither thou goest, as they say—I’ll go whither so ever you like.Scotland, the Alps.Timbuktu.”
“Why are you saying all this?”Caroling was shaking her head, her voice wobbling precariously.“Why would you offer to marry me when I know you’ve no wish to ever be married?”
This was the sticky bit.Fitz wanted to be honest, but the thought of saying it, right out loud, made his insides shrivel with panic.It had taken him a stupidly long time to even realize what it was, but once the word occurred to him, he knew it was true.And he knew he ought to have courage and tell Caroline the truth.She deserved to know all the facts before she made a decision.
If he could face down his father, the most powerful man in his life, surely Fitz could look Caroline in the eye and tell her how he felt.
While Fitz quietly panicked, Caroline was pulling herself together.“I see what I am meant to get out of this arrangement.Freedom to work, companionship, et cetera.But what do you get?”
The way she said it, as though even with her sparkling intelligence she could not conceive of a single reason why anyone would wish to marry her, made the words bypass Fitz’s brain to rush straight from his heart to lips.
“If you marry me, I’ll have a wife whom I love.”
Caroline froze, her face shadowed under the starlit night sky visible through the glass roof.In the silence that followed, Fitz heard the echo of his words, reverberating through the greenhouse and scraping him raw.
This is what love is, the darkest part of his soul snarled.This is all it’s ever been.It’s you, alone in the dark.Pathetic and weak, whining like a dog left out in the cold.
Breaking the deepening void of silence, Caroline’s voice was a frail lifeline pulling him back up from the depths.
“You have to stop,” she whispered harshly.“Stop saying these things.”
Fitz closed his eyes, a weight pressing down on his chest and making it hard to breathe.It wasn’t a surprise—how could it be?It hurt more than he’d expected, but he’d planned for this.“You needn’t worry that I have any expectation that you will return my sentiments.Nor do I intend to impose upon you.I merely mention it to illustrate the reasoning behind my proposal.”
He thought that very reasonable but Caroline shook her head so violently her braid lashed about like an angry cat’s tail.
“No,” she gritted out, bringing her hands up to cover her eyes as though she couldn’t bear to look at him.
Fitz couldn’t feel his fingers or toes, and could only be glad of the numbness that masked the agony he knew he’d feel when it wore off.
“You have to stop,” Caroline went on, her voice a gasping sob, “because I won’t be able to resist much longer and if you’re not careful, I’m going to say yes!”
Light began to filter back into Fitz’s world, like the stars winking into existence one at a time.He stood, his gaze fixed on the slender strength of her compact little body, the tension stringing her tight as a bow ready to be drawn.“I want you to say yes, sweet.That’s all I want in the world.”
“You don’t mean it, you can’t mean it.”Her gaze darted frantically, hands wringing at the fabric of her skirt.“It’s because of what we did in your bedchamber, isn’t it?I should have known better.I know how males get in the throes of mating season—you can’t control yourselves, your mental processes are overwhelmed by your biological urges.Well, if that’s what this is, then we should just do it, right here and now, and get it out of our systems!”
A shockwave scorched through him when Caroline’s stiff fingers went behind her to pull at the tapes holding her dress closed.Fitz leapt forward, hands out to keep her from stripping her dress off.
They were so near to reaching an understanding, and he knew if he caught even a glimpse of the luscious round softness of her breasts, he’d be incapable of further rational thought.
“I’ll grant that my mental processes have always been somewhat shaky, but I assure you, what I feel is more than a biological urge.”Fitz stood close enough that he could savor the heat of Caroline’s body all along his front.The top of her head just reached his chin, a fact that always managed to surprise him.
How could one small slip of a girl have come to mean the entire world to him, in such a short space of time?
Taking in a deep breath of her raspberries-and-cream-tea scent, Fitz carefully cupped her soft, smooth cheeks in his palms and tilted her lovely face up.This close, even in the darkness, he could study every minute shift of her expression.He could count every individual lash.He could see the stars reflected in her violet eyes.He never wanted to be further away from her than he was in that moment.
“I do want you,” he told her, his voice deep and rough with feeling.“I want to kiss you and hold you and make you scream with pleasure.”
She shuddered against him, her body melting almost imperceptibly closer.
“But it’s not enough.I’m a greedy bastard.I want more,” Fitz continued hoarsely, willing to strip himself bare if it would make her understand.“I want to listen to you.I want to make you laugh.I want to take care of you.I want adventures with you.I want to see the world through your eyes, a world I could never have imagined before I met you.I want to be the man I am when I’m with you.The man you think I am.A man who could be worthy, someday, of your love.”
