July 9, 1814, Abbeygate, Surrey Hills, England
Ana was seated outside on her favorite stone bench in the garden, surrounded by vibrant red roses.Breathing in their fragrance, touching the soft silkiness, seemed to ground her in the reality of her surroundings.It also brought a feeling of comfort, of home.Mamáalways loved roses.Red roses, much like these, had encircled their house throughout her childhood.UntilMamáhad left.And without her care, the roses had died.
But Peter had seen how she loved these roses.He had cared for them personally, ensuring that they would blossom to their full potential this summer.That had to be an indication of how he cared forher, did it not?
“Might I join you, Ana?”
Ana started at the sound, surprised to see Peter slowly, hesitantly walking up the garden path toward her, a rose in hand.They had not spoken in such a private setting since the incident of her leaving the house.Was she truly ready to be alone with him?Would she know how to make words of the great, confusing mess inside her mind?
She wanted to try.
So she smiled and answered, “Por supuesto.”
“Where is Essie?”he asked as he stepped closer and saw Ana’s empty arms.
“With your mother.”
A look of surprise flitted across Peter’s face, lifting his eyebrows and causing his mouth to gape slightly.“How fortunate for her.I am glad you felt at ease leaving Essie with her for a time.It is so very needed for you to spend time in the outdoors.”
Ana nodded in agreement and scooted to the side, indicating that Peter sit beside her.The tension or stress that had him locked into his military stance started to release at her invitation.His shoulders loosened and he sat.He was at the other end of the bench, but still, he was seated.
Ana motioned to the rose in his hand.“It ishermosa.Beautiful.”
Peter fumbled with the flower, his voice halting.“I thought it might look particularly nice in your hair.If you would agree...and allow me...but only with your approval.”
“Por favor,” she said, inclining her head.She wanted to close the distance that had driven them apart as of late.But she was not prepared for the sparks that raced down her spine as Peter’s hand brushed her cheek as he slipped the rose behind her ear.
“Gracias,” Ana whispered with a smile.
Before her eyes, a more familiar Peter began to emerge.His eyes softened and his shoulders dipped, relaxed.He sat beside her, a tentative smile on his lips, and even held out a hand toward her.
Ana hovered her hand above his for a moment.Becoming close to him again meant endangering her heart—and Esperanza’s—in the case that he would leave them.But she had given a great deal of thought to what Lady Ashmore had said.She needed to trust that God had sent Peter to help her, and not only during San Sebastián.So she laced their fingers together, leaning into the warmth of his arm.A sigh shuddered through Peter’s frame, and Ana bit her lip to keep from crying at the great comfort that ebbed into her, merely from his closeness.How she had longed for—and feared—this touch.
“Ana, I have something to confess,” Peter sighed, squeezing her hand.
“As do I,” she responded, trying to keep her voice steady.
“Please, allow me to begin.I have much I wish to say.And I do hope I won’t make a blasted mess of it all.”He ran a hand through his hair.“I need to ask your forgiveness—no, beg your forgiveness.I have talked to Mother, and it appears that I have left you without the precise type of support you have needed in a very delicate and trying circumstance.”His voice broke, pulling at Ana’s heart.“I have always sworn to protect the women in my life.I failed to protect Mother, and now I see that I have, at least in recent days, failed to protect you.And for that, I am most deeply sorry.So sorry that I doubt I can forgive myself for it.”
“I know.”Ana swallowed thickly, testing her voice.“Ifeel so alone these weeks.I am so entirely exhausted, and I do not know how to care for Esperanza in a perfect way.I feel my body and mind are so changed.Will I ever recover?”
“It is true that your body and mind bear scars of the great love you’ve shown our Essie in bringing her to this world.Mother has taught me it is a badge of motherhood, one of great honor.”
Ana smiled through her emotion, “YourMamáis wise,”
“I know you will recover, Ana.It will not always feel so difficult as it does now.”
“I want to believe this,” Ana said.“But also I feel so sad.Because I love Esperanza so very much.And I do not know howMamácould love me like this and abandon me still.”
And she could not survive being abandoned by Peter as well.Even a hint of that over these past weeks had been excruciating.She crossed and uncrossed her arms, unsure what to do without the comforting weight of Esperanza in them.
A sob caught in Ana’s throat now, but Peter laced an arm around her and whispered, “Please, tell me whatever is on your mind.”
“You knowmi Papi.He wasun gran hombre.Always bound to the honor and duty of thearmada.But sometimes to be so focused on hisresponsabilidades en la armada,he lose hisresponsabilidadesat home.ToMamá.To me.To himself, as aPapá.And our family fall apart like the leaves of a tree in fall—so dry, so weak, so tired.First,Papáspent more and more time away from us.He was given great honors and his choice of assignments, so he returned home even less often than before.AndMamá no pudo aguantar más.She could not live her life alone.She needed people, she needed love.But I thought she needed me as well.”
Before Ana realized it, she was tearing at the delicate edges of the rose in her hands and spotting the front of her dress with tears.Peter gently eased the flower from her hands and tucked it behind her ear before threading her nervous fingers through his own.“It will serve you better here,querida.Go on.I am here.”
“One day I come in from playing with my friends and I see thatMamáwas packinguna bolsawith dresses and shoes andtodo.She said thatPapáwould be homepronto,that she was going to visit her mother.Papáreturned later that week and cried for a day and a night.Then he wiped his tears, lockedMamá’sarmoire, and said for me to travel to the army with him, thatMamáwas not going to return.But I did not believe him.”
