“Any reports that are to be made should mention the earliness of her arrival and her good health.Am I understood?”
“Of course.”Her brows raised in questioning, but Peter saw a fierce loyalty shine in her eyes.Ana had grown quite close to this faithful woman.They could all trust her to convey this important message.
“We simply wish nobody to be concerned.”
“Certainly.”Mrs.Thompson bobbed a curtsey and continued on her way.
Peter’s stiff posture slackened in relief...but also due to a familiar sensation of helplessness.He was amazed at the great feat his wife had just accomplished in bringing their babe to the world.But in holding that impossibly tiny child, fear had doused him.He had spent so much time trying to become a good husband that he had completely neglected any sort of preparation to aid him in becoming a father.What was worse still, the time he had spent with Ana earlier today showed him that he had very little to offer them both at present.He could not feed the hungry, needy babe.He could not help Ana heal as a physician or monthly nurse would.Yes, Peter could offer them love, support, and company but little else.Most of all, he did not wish to alarm or overwhelm Ana when she had just undergone something so entirely life-changing.
Peter ached to hold his wife.But perhaps it would be better for all of them if he allowed Ana the peace and privacy he needed during this time of healing and learning.
Chapter 31
June 14, 1814, Abbeygate, Surrey Hills, England
Ana reached for the small buttons at the front of her soft, cream-colored dress, unfastening them to prepare to feed Esperanza.Tiny, bowed pink lips wrapped around her breast, latching and sucking with a pinch of pain.It had taken some time to learn to feed her small babe.Nursing was not as intuitive as the monthly nurse had protested it would be.And she had scoffed when Ana had worried about discomfort.What a great relief it was that Peter had dismissed her.But he had not done so before the woman’s cruel words had planted seeds of doubts in Ana’s already exhausted mind.
Perhaps she was not capable of being the mother that Esperanza needed.A better mother would not have complained about the pain of feeding her child.A better mother would think nothing of the aching that stabbed through her each time she rose from her chair or took steps to the water closet.A better mother would welcome others into her home to meet her new babe, no matter how it wreaked havoc on her unbalanced emotions and tender anxieties.But Ana would not leave her child to be tended to by others.She would, at the very least, be a better mother than her ownmamáhad been in that regard.But the pressure of it all, increased by Ana’s helplessness in caring for her own recovery, made her feel like she was drowning.
That feeling was only worsened by Peter.It seemed he was retreating from her.He was incredibly attentive to Esperanza, always eager to change herpañalesor rock her to sleep at night.He often asked if there was more he could do to help the babe.But did he not see how desperately Ana needed help herself?
He had always been dependable.Steady.Safe.Consistent.And yet it seemed that he could be that for Ana no longer.The blissful feeling of being cared for—understood, protected—that she had enjoyed for months was crumbling.Of course, Peter would never hurt her intentionally.He was too honorable.But now it was clear that his priority was to fulfill his honor-bound responsibility to protect her and provide her a safe place to deliver her child.Nothing more.They would not truly be a family, not as she had dreamed.She was nothing more than a task to be completed in his life.How inconvenient she must be.
FirstPapá.ThenMamá.Now Peter too.But she could not bear to see him distance himself from her.She would not survive him leaving her.Would she have to leave him first if it came to that?
Esperanza was no longer sucking, her hungry fists now relaxed as her breaths came slow and sleepily.The only moments of peace and clarity came when her daughter was in her arms, against her skin.Ana brushed kisses down the babe’s velvety cheek and set her down in her cradle.She was suddenly incredibly thirsty, and the glass on her bedside table was empty.Bracing herself on the arms of the chair, Ana gingerly stood.The throbbing pain transported her somewhere else entirely.Smoke and sweat stifled her breathing, and tears dripped off her chin as she stumbled over rocky, uneven ground in search ofPapá.Such a similar pain laced down her hips and legs, so familiar that Ana grasped her dress, feeling for the rips and the burn marks.
And then Peter had been there.He had protected her.Rescued her.Bound her wounds and nursed her to health, emotionally just as much as he had physically.But would he abandon her now?After all he had done to ensure her safety?
* * *
“Ah, the budding new father himself.”
“Sir Huntington,” Peter replied.“Thank you for coming.”
“Do call me David, please,” the man said, his smile deep.“It may seem boyish, but it is what your brother has called me since our school days together.I find the familiarity to be fitting with any Ashmore.”
David had sent a missive informing Peter that he would be in town and asking him to meet at the local café so his visit would not disturb Ana.Peter was grateful for an excuse to leave the house.The tightness that constantly bound his chest seemed to loosen upon seeing another soul outside his household.
“How fares Mrs.Ashmore?”
“I believe she is well.”
“Youbelieveso?”
Peter’s thoughts blurred with anxieties, desperate for an outlet.So much had changed in so little time.But Matthew and Mother trusted David deeply, treated him as family even.Perhaps Peter should do so as well.
“Well, since Esperanza was born, she has seemed entirely independent.Before, she valued my help, or at the very least, my thoughts.Now it seems that she desires to do everything by herself.And it leaves me feeling more helpless than I can express.”
Even more distressing was the feeling that the tender affection they had shared was seeping away.The time when they had enjoyed kisses and embraces and shared the same bed now felt like an entire lifetime ago.
“Well, perhaps I have a reason for you to renew your efforts to help her—to break down whatever barriers she might be hiding behind.”
“Oh?And what would that reason be?”
Regret and pain shone on David’s face.“I have heard tell that your regiment is being called back to Spain.Andso your time with your wife and new little daughter may be more limited than you expected.”
While panic seized Peter’s chest, he was not entirely surprised at the news.His regiment was made of foot guards.They were rigorously trained and held to the highest standards of discipline.In short, they were a valuable asset and likely should have been recalled earlier.Then again, he had been quite vocal about his opinions regarding leadership’s approach to San Sebastián, so perhaps that extended leave had been intentional.
