That she also referred to their residence as “home” was not lost on him.Peter leaned forward and kissed her temple.It was a wonderful thing, to return to a place that felt so comfortable and so safe.To have a listening ear who he could trust to listen to him and advise him eternally without raging like Father or teasing like his comrades.
“And I am happier than you can imagine,” Peter replied.He reached out a hand toward Ana, lacing their fingers together.
* * *
Ana toyed with Peter’s fingers, running her fingertips over the calluses worn into his hands.There was a security in the warmth of his skin that she had missed desperately, although she hadn’t truly realized it while he was gone.She had not only felt keenly the absence of his companionship; she had missed his touch, his embrace.
“Thank you for allowing me to go to London.It was certainly a complicated endeavor.”
“Y qué pasó?”What happened?
“My superiors, it would seem, are convinced to blame the French entirely for the harm done to the inhabitants of San Sebastián.And yet they know that I disagree entirely with that approach.What is more, they know that I actively fought against the men who were taking such actions.”
“Claro.You are acapitán.Of course they know you were there, and you saw the city burn.Why is this so bad that you know these things?”
“You see, I anticipate repercussions against the army, perhaps even on a large scale.I have recently learned that this was not the first time this type of sacking occurred.”
“De verdad?”
“Yes.There were other cities that were plundered.It seems that many soldiers realized that their packs would be searched for loot after overtaking a city, which made them careless and resentful.They would get drunk and reckless and take their spoils of the city in an entirely different way.Their actions were inexcusable still, and the instance of San Sebastián seems to be the most violent of them.The poor victims of these crimes, along with all of Spain and Basque Country I would imagine, will continue to fight against such greedy and barbaric behavior.”
“Qué terrible.”
“Indeed.And yet I can’t imagine that my superiors will admit to any wrongdoing on their part, particularly when the army is pressed to progress in this war.I feel certain that they will continue to fight against any allegations, as they won’t do much to help their momentum against Napoleon.And as a result, I cannot understand what my future with the army will be.They won’t hear anyone breathe a word against them.But I cannot allow myself to return to such grave indiscipline.”
“Because you know the English and Portuguese hurt and killed the people there?”
“Indeed.And that the French were not at fault, despite being at fault for a great many other issues.”
He was right.And his leaders and countrymen should be held responsible for their great errors.It was only proper and just.Particularly when this war played such a large role on the world stage.A battle such as the Siege of San Sebastián would not be forgotten.
“I support you,te lo prometo.Tell me how I can help you in this.”Ana gripped his hand tighter, although her eyes were clouded over with painful memories.
“But that is just the issue.I don’t know of any other way to speak out about this issue.I want justice for those my countrymen ravaged so carelessly.But in speaking out, it is not my reputation I am concerned for.I simply cannot see how I can stand against them, not without risking you and our future.That much was made clear when I was in London.Quite simply, my superiors determined that they could remove me from my position, simultaneously removing my ability to financially support both myself and you.And if they even knew of your existence, I feel certain they would go to great lengths to ensure that your witness of the events there and of your own suffering never came to light.You heard how infuriated they were by the so-called libelous publicationEl Duende de los Cafésmonths ago.”
The fury Ana felt on behalf of the Basque women morphed into fear as she realized that she too was a victim of this particularly grave event of wartime misconduct.And if anyone was trying to collect those wronged to testify against the guilty, she could be called to testify.And in testifying against an army so great as Britain’s, she would be dangling an immense sword over her head.The future they had worked to build in England would be destroyed.Peter’s life, her life, and the life of her baby would all be at risk.Her hands clutched at her stomach, unbidden.Words escaped her.
“But I will not ask such things of you, Ana,” Peter whispered as he gently gathered her hands from their desperate position against her waist.“You are my greatest responsibility now.I must protect you.And even if I did speak out, one voice against hundreds would get stifled so quickly.It seems an impossible, unattainable goal.”
Ana was soaking in Peter’s distress like a water-starved flower, the words flooding through her, transporting her to another country, another time.Memories pounded in her head, much like the pounding of incessant explosions that had brought down the barricades at San Sebastián.Memories that she had fought to dispel from her mind over the past months.She pressed a hand to her temple while the other clutched at her stomach, as if she could somehow protect the growing child within from the trauma.Even the once-comforting fireplace in front of her transformed, engulfing that desperate city in flames.
Deafening blasts.
Heartrending screams.
Never-ending destruction.
Cruel words, furious fingers, ripping fabric, and aching pain.
“No!”she cried out, rising from her seat and shaking her head against the agony.“I will not feel this again.No lo quiero!”
Ana pressed her eyes shut, desperate honesty streaming from her.“You leave me for so much time, and I do not know if you be in danger with the truth you know.And then you come home tocasa, and you tell me all these things that I be so worried, and I do not even know if you remember that our life ismuy diferentenow.We are not inEspaña.We are not inSan Sebastián.Now we have abebéthat we need to protect.We cannot put our lives orfuturoat risk now,Pedro.”
Peter was on his feet now too, trying to lower her to her seat again.Ana whimpered and moved away from his grasp, away from the fireplace.
“Believe me when I say that I understand perfectly the risks that we face.I have done so much to ensure that you and your...ourchild would be safe.”He massaged his temples with one hand, breathing deeply.“But for my own sanity, for the slightest hint of hope that I might be able to someday live without the crushing guilt of what occurred in San Sebastián, I had to go to London.I needed to find out if there was anything to be done to remove the weight of these sins.I would have told you if I thought either of us was at risk.That is precisely why I was writing to you as often as I did.And why I sought out Elena and sent her to be a comfort at your side.”
“Yes, I love Elena.She isperfecta para mí.But she is not you, Pedro.I neededyou.”
