Mr.Smith nodded slowly and tapped a finger against the heavy Bible in his hands.“I cannot claim to understand the complexity of crimes against the law on the battlefront or the legal workings of war punishment.But I think you are wise in wanting to protect your wife.She is your future.”
He was right, Peter knew.Ana was his greatest priority.But perhaps there was still a peaceful way for him to be a voice of truth.Perhaps he could ascertain if the leadership’s feelings regarding the battle had changed in any way.Matthew had a friend, Sir David Huntington, who had also been a captain in the army, although he had sold his commission and now played some sort of administrative role in London.Perhaps he would have some unbiased information on the topic.
“The truth of the battle will always weigh upon me, I think, even when the pain and guilt have passed on,” Peter said.“I will accept, someday, that I could not have saved everyone.I could not have prevented the sacking by myself.But for now, it lives with me.”
“Truth tends to act in such a manner, although some people are adept at ignoring its pressure.But truth will always remain, weighing you to the things that are most important, like the gravity that keeps your feet grounded to the earth.”
There was great wisdom to that.How could Peter rid himself of the guilt he felt without forgetting what had happened?The pain in his heart lessened after speaking with Mr.Smith, but he still felt he had a role to play.Was there something yet he could do for the people of San Sebastián without harming them or Ana?
Peter thanked Mr.Smith and sent a silent plea to the heavens before leaving the chapel in long, swift strides.Maybe he could not travel back to Spain, but he could write to London and inquire about the trial.Perhaps then his soul would find a measure of rest.
Chapter 11
December 20, 1813, Abbeygate, Surrey Hills, England
Peter and Ana had taken the carriage into town in search of warmer clothing.Mother’s discarded wardrobe only contained clothes that were fit for warm weather, as Abbeygate had usually been a summer destination for their family.It was to be Peter’s first Christmas here, along with Ana’s, and while it seemed a bit frivolous to focus on Christmas celebrations when weightier matters were at hand, he still wanted her to enjoy the holiday.And to do so, they needed warmer clothes.
They each selected fine wool cloaks, and Peter ensured that Ana also had a variety of warmer day dresses with long sleeves or matching spencer jackets as well as thicker dressing gowns for the chilly nights.He had, however, left her to speak to the seamstress about the underthings that she would require.
Heat rose on his cheeks now just thinking of it.While Ana was his wife, it was better that he did not have the image of her in her underthings in his mind, whatever said underthings might entail.He would likely never recover from such an intimate sight—although it would be a welcome replacement for the nightmares that currently occupied his mind.He fought to repress a chuckle.
“Qué?”Ana questioned, having rejoined him outside the shop.
“Oh, nothing, my dear, just something Burnsey said,” he lied, his words desperate.
“What did he say?”
Peter rubbed a hand over the back of his neck.He was in trouble now.Burnsey definitely did not say anything about the enticing nature of a woman’s unmentionables.His mind scrambled.
“He simply reflected on my deviousness as a child.Have I ever told you about the time that I turned the corner of the gardens into a great mudhole?”
“No, but I am not surprised.It does sound like anactividadthat a little boy would love so much.”
“Indeed, it was.I will have to show you the very spot.Matthew and I spent many a happy afternoon playing in that mudhole.And Mother spent many a frustrating evening washing us off afterward.She ought to have thrown us in the lake.”
Ana laughed as he helped her up into the carriage.Peter breathed out a relieved sigh.Ana need never know that he had ever imagined anything so familiar about her.But when had his thoughts about her strayed from being overprotective to curiously romantic anyway?That was just as distressing as the whole undergarments plight itself.He had promised Ana—and himself, for that matter—that this arrangement would be a marriage in name only.Physical affection of any sort was not to be trifled with.He could not make her feel endangered in any way, not after her attack.
And yet there were some actions they had grown accustomed to that could be seen as affectionate.Like when Peter settled down onto the front-facing bench next to Ana, she sidled up near him and looped her arm through his.Her closeness spread warmth through him, but it was also expected, nearly habitual at this point.He wanted to provide her with comfort when she needed it.But he would never forgive himself for allowing friendly affection to become too overbearing.How could he draw a very clean line between what was proper and what was protective?
Their carriage started to move, cold air whooshing past outside.Ana broke the silence.
“We may need to tell everyoneen la casaabout my condition soon.”
Peter’s heart resumed its errant pounding, but now for an entirely different reason.He pulled at his cravat as he tried to maintain his calm, confident smile.
“Oh, I’m certain we can wait a little while longer.You needn’t be worried about such things yet, Ana.”
Peter felt a great deal of peace at the ignorance of everyone around them.Of course, it was not because he intended to keep them in the dark about the truth of Ana’s condition, but rather he wanted to prolong Ana’s safety for as long as possible.The longer her condition was a secret between the two of them, the longer the origins of their relationship would go unquestioned.
“But I would prefer that they know before it is very much obvious,” Ana said, indicating at her midsection.“They may be more suspicious if I start to appear as if I am...oh, how do you say in English?”
Peter flushed.“I believe one of the phrases commonly used is ‘in the way.’”
There were not many polite ways to refer to the condition of carrying a child.Peter knew that Ana was more comfortable speaking about these things than he was.Admittedly, any mention of the terms made him feel heated in embarrassment.
“Sí, eso.I will feel so much happier to know that everyone knows when mybebéstarts to grow bigger and I need more help.I think today.We can tell them of thebebétoday.”
Peter tapped his feet against the floor of the carriage.He was not prepared to announce his imminent fatherhood to the household.Such an announcement would normally require days of careful planning to decide how he would describe their situation, as complex and delicate as it was.But if Ana was carrying the weight of their secret and the weight of her child, he needed to ensure that she was comfortable.
