I sit down hard in the tub, knees folding, hands shaking while the water beats down, masking the sound of me unraveling.
Maybe he’s telling the truth. Maybe there’s a version of this where he fixes it, where we fix us, where the boys never have to know how close we came to breaking.
And then the other voice:Don’t be stupid. You’ve hoped before.
I inhale. Exhale. The water drums on my shoulders.
Okay, but he looked wrecked. People don’t fake that.
People fake everything.You know that better than anyone.
Back and forth. Hope, fear. A metronome in my ribs.
I want to hope. I do. But I’m terrified of what one more disappointment will do to me.
“Enough,” I mutter, and push myself up.
When I’m standing again, I struggle opening the hotel shampoo bottle and then wash. Scrub too hard, force my brain to quiet under the noise of the water. When I’m all rinsed off and the heat starts to fade, I shut it off and wrap myself in a towel..
I can’t talk to Luna.
I can’t talk to my Mom.
I grab my phone from the vanity, drop onto the closed toilet, and scroll through my contacts until I find the only person who might just listen. Who is safe.
After a few rings, Tay picks up.
“Hey,” she says. I hear sounds of talking and music in the background.
“Is this a bad time?” I ask. Calling her is a mistake.
“No, not at all. We just finished the last round of tacos and I’m stepping out for some fresh air.” And then she pauses. “What’s up?”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
I promised Beckett that I wouldn’t say anything about his job. But I need to… “A lot. And… I can’t talk to Luna about this. Or my mom, really. I mean, I have friends at home, I used to even belong to a book club, but I haven’t had a chance to get close to anyone for a long time… And since you’re the only one who knows the truth?—”
“—and since I’m also your friend, you called me. Totally okay. Now take a breath. What’s going on?”
I take that breath she suggested, and then, “Beckett doesn’t want to split up. He’s being… himself again. Almost. But I’m not sure. And… God, Tay. I’m just… I’m really confused.” It takes all my self-control not to burst into tears. I hardly know this poor girl. She probably thinks I’ve gone off the deep end. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t bother you about this…”
“Stop with that. So, he says he doesn’t want to split up. But you didn’t get to this point on a whim. You had reasons.”
“Yeah, I did. I do—have good reasons.”
Tay’s quiet for a few seconds. There’s less background noise now.
“Is he willing to face those reasons?”
Is he? Without breaking my promise, this part is tricky. “He says… he says that the stuff going on is almost over. It’s not another woman.” At first, a part of me suspected that could be the case. But after today, after last night… Even looking back. “He’s not cheating on me,” I say with conviction.
“So, what’s almost over?” Tay asks.
“I don’t know.” And I’m back here again. “He says he can’t tell me.”
“Ah…” A pause. “And you have no idea?”
I think back to that headline that made the national news, and a chill crawls down my spine.
