It replayed in my mind, the inflections in her voice still as clear now as they had been then.
‘She told me never to rely on a man, on anyone but myself. That she was trapped by my stepfather, forced to stay with him for our sakes, for me and Theo. She said –’ I paused, wanting to say the words aloud, wondering if it might release them. ‘Relationships, marriage . . . is all a trap. People only ever use each other for their own gain.’
Lottie said nothing, just reached out to me with her right hand. I gripped it, swallowing down the emotion the words had brought up.
‘I know how wrong she was now,’ I whispered. ‘I’m done living by that.’
Lottie nodded, turning off the highway towards Jackson, heading west for signs to Montana instead.
‘No one’s family is perfect,’ Lottie said after a few minutes, the soft country tunes in the background filling the silence. ‘I mean, look at me and Lil. Christ, the shit Lil’s been through.’
I thought back to my conversations with Lil in London.
‘Did Lil have a big relationship before?’ I asked, watching as Lottie frowned. ‘When we were talking about me staying in London initially, she came out with all this stuff about not giving up on a connection like the one I’d found with Jesse. It came from her own experiences, I think.’
She tapped the steering wheel, clearly raking over her memory.
‘I don’t think so,’ she said slowly. ‘But then, there was a whole chunk of time I missed out on right after her parents divorced and everything got serious with my exams. I think it had been eight years since I’d visited before this year.’
I mulled it over as we continued north, stopping briefly for lunch and snacks. By the time we crossed the Montana state line and drove into Livingston Peak, there were already queues of traffic building for the rodeo.
‘Holy shit, this is huge,’ I exclaimed, leaning forward for a better look ahead. The vast stadium-like walls were visible even with a couple of miles to go, and a colossal American flag rippling in the wind.
‘Yeah, Cole said this is one of the biggest,’ Lottie admitted, also staring out towards it. ‘I just hope Jesse picks up if we call, because finding him in there is going to be a challenge.’
I gritted my teeth against a violent surge of anxiety as we edged closer, eventually crawling into the car park and coming to a stop.
Lottie killed the engine, turning to me.
‘Are you ready for this?’ she asked, a small smile appearing as she studied me.
‘Fuck, no,’ I murmured, unsure why she seemed so unperturbed. ‘I can’t believe I’m saying this, given I’ve travelled, like, what – the best part of five thousand miles to be here. But is this a good idea? Am I just going to put him off even more if we do manage to find him?’
Lottie rearranged her hat slightly, pulling it down a little at the back.
‘Yeah, I did think about that last night,’ she admitted. ‘I asked Cole, given he’s the only one who’s actually done something similar with broncs.’ She hesitated, her eyes flashing to mine for a moment. ‘But he thinks Jesse will be okay. If you guys can talk even for a few minutes, it might set his mind at ease. There are always distractions, other shit going on in life when you’re riding, whether it’s bulls or not. Cole says it’s when you move into the no-fucks-to-give category that things can go really wrong.’
She was holding something back, I knew. But before I could press her for more, she opened her door and slid out into the noise and streams of people heading past the truck and into the side entrance.
‘I had a look online,’ I said as we bought our tickets and squeezed through some time later, the sheer volume of people holding back progress through the entrance. ‘The bull riding’s one of the last events, I think.’
‘Want to work around to the side, see if we can get in the back?’ she shouted above the announcements and crowd noise.
I nodded, knowing I wouldn’t have the strength to shout back. A growing feeling of nausea was cascading over me, threatening to become real. Knowing Jesse was right here in the same place, but not knowing if he cared or wanted to see me again . . . and not knowing Chrissy’s role in all of it.
Slowly but surely we approached the competitors’ entrance area, where the crowd thinned enough to let us see beyond the gates to a sea of cowboys beyond. My stomach lurched again.
‘Howdy, ladies.’
An official stood by the gate, a walkie-talkie attached to his belt.
‘Oh, hey,’ Lottie said brightly. I almost chuckled at the shift in her expression, the way she looked up at him from under her eyelashes. ‘A friend of ours is back there. My friend here has flown all the way from London to see him – is there any way at all we could sneak back there and say hello? We’ll be out again within the hour, I swear it.’
He considered her, a smile growing.
‘I wish I could, ma’am, but I’m afraid this is for competitors and their teams only – you’ll need a badge to get in.’
They went back and forth for another minute before Lottie took my hand, thanking him and walking us in the opposite direction.
