Continuing to tidy myself up, I waited as it rang and rang, my eyes darting down as it went through to the answerphone.
Narrowing my eyes, I tapped call again.
‘Pick up, pick up,’ I hissed, almost growling as it cut off again.
One of three things was true. He was unable to pick up, or he hadn’t seen it,orhe was ignoring it. I knew his phone connected automatically to the Bluetooth in his truck, I’d seen it enough times. There’s no way he wouldn’t see it – mounted right on the dash in front of him.
‘Stubborn motherfucker,’ I breathed, now stabbing his name to redial. ‘You can fucking hate me if you want, but Iwilltalk to you,’ I hissed, now brushing through my hair with unnecessary force.
For the next five minutes, I kept going. Cutting off time after time, until, after the fourteenth attempt, I came back into the bedroom and yanked open the curtains, the midday sun half blinding me.
Perching on the edge of the bed, instead I typed a message.
I know you’re ignoring me. I need to speak to you, Jesse. Please. If there’s only more thing you do for me, please just pick up.
I waited for it to go through, watching as the message delivered, then the read ticks appeared.
Please. For what we had.
I took a breath, waiting for that to go through too, blinking back the emotion it brought with it.
Waiting another minute, I pulled up his name again, my finger hovering over the button. But before I could tap it, he called me.
Heart in my mouth, I picked up. As the screen changed, I realized it was FaceTime again, not just a call.
Utterly bare-faced, the weight of the past three days under my eyes, I’d never felt more exposed.
‘I haven’t got time for this,’ he said, barely looking at the screen as he stared straight ahead. In his truck, clearly parked up, he sighed. ‘What is it?’
Momentarily stunned by his coldness, I could only gape for a moment, rearranging my thoughts into something that made sense.
‘Please don’t go,’ I said, the words coming out with far less force than I’d intended.
He glanced at me then, his eyes guarded, so filled with pain and confusion that I almost choked.
‘Don’t go to the rodeo,’ I blurted. ‘Please don’t ride feeling like this—’
‘You can’t just . . .’ he started, real anger blazing in his eyes. ‘You don’t get to ask shit of me like that. What I am supposed to do, Hestia? You don’t want me, you don’t want us. You’ve made that real fucking clear. You’ve got right back to your old life, so I’m doing the same. Isn’t that what you wanted?’
His words were like a slap, my eyes stinging as I struggled for breath.
‘That’s not . . . no, I mean . . .’ My throat closed as my eyes did, my hand over my mouth as my head swam. I realized it, in the darkness: this was rock bottom. I’d been descending for so long that I barely noticed the feeling as I bumped down onto the lowest point.
‘I’ve got to go,’ he said, his tone softened. ‘It’s a long drive.’
‘Why are you doing this?’ I blurted, nothing left to lose, no further to go. ‘How can you do this? Even if you don’t give a fuck about me, what about your mum? Your sisters? Lottie, Cole, Bailey, Lil?’
My voice was rising, trying to fill the depths of the pit I lay in, as though all sound was pulled into a vacuum.
‘Do what? Ride?’ he asked, his tone responding in turn. ‘What does it matter? It’s just what we do—’
‘Not like this,’ I shouted, opening my eyes, almost shaking the phone in frustration. ‘Not when you don’t give a fuck what happens. Don’t you fucking DARE ride in that state. I can’t just stand by and let it happen!’
His eyes flicked up from the screen, following something outside of the truck.
‘You’ve got no right to be angry with me,’ he snarled, every angle of his face taut. ‘Don’t act like you care now—’
‘I do care,’ I yelled, standing up, almost punching the wall in frustration. ‘It’sallI fucking feel, Jesse! Why do you think I walked away and came home? Have you thought about that at all? That maybe I was trying to fucking spare you all of this?’ I started to sob, my whole chest feeling as though it would disintegrate. ‘Nothing happenedwith Cal – he was deliberately trying to sabotage this, he set the whole thing up. I know I’m fucked up, I know I don’t fucking deserve you. ButI love you, Jesse. I’m selfish and I can’t fucking help it. I love you so much that I can’t feel anything else.’
