She said nothing for a moment, just looked into her beer, taking a breath. I glanced over, watching what looked to be turmoil.
‘I don’t want to leave,’ I confided as she looked back at me, intensity in her grey eyes. They were so similar to Jesse’s that I almost couldn’t hold her gaze.
‘Go find him,’ she blurted, a real sense of urgency in her voice. ‘Get out of here together, spend whatever time you have left together. Fuck the competition.’
I recoiled, surprised.
‘What?’
She grimaced to herself, seemingly considering her words carefully.
‘He’s told me just how much he cares about you,’ she said quietly, and I felt myself still. ‘And it’s my guess that you feel the same. Am I wrong?’
Pinned to the spot, I could only shake my head.
‘Then go. There will be plenty more bulls to ride next week. You’re only here for another couple of hours.’
Butterflies releasing, I stood as she did, her hand squeezing my shoulder.
‘I’ll see you again,’ she said, nodding. ‘I know it. Now go talk to him.’
In a daze, unsure why I couldn’t do otherwise, I climbed back down the steps, blindly looking for him, any sign of the now familiar Diamond Back jacket. Wincing at the sound of angry hooves against metal as I approached the chute side on, I suddenly saw him in the back corner, talking to another cowboy.
I stopped, reaching out for the barrier next to me, suddenly overwhelmed with what we were about to do.
The scene I’d envisaged in my mind melted away as even at this distance, the tears welled up, resting right on the edge of rolling over. I hesitated, suddenly contemplating the coward’s way out, to turn and just keep walking, walk all the way to the damn airport.
At that moment he looked up, stopping mid-sentence as he saw me, the other man glancing in my direction as in the next moment, he began striding towards me.
I let go of the barrier, teeth clenched as I all but ran to meet him, our bodies colliding in a crush.
We said nothing for a second, his arms wrapped tight around me as I buried my face into his shirt, breathing him in. I felt his hand on my hair, holding me gently in place as he kissed my head.
All the words I’d put together, all the ways of saying goodbye suddenly felt meaningless. There was no way this could somehow be made to feel anything other than devastation.
‘I’m sorry,’ I choked, forcing myself to pull back, stopping as he held tight to my waist. ‘I know you’re about to ride—’
But he wasn’t listening. Reaching down and pulling my chin up, he kissed me, hard.
That kiss, his mouth . . . it was everything we’d said to each other, everything we’d done and everything we hadn’t had the chance to. It was need and yearning and love, all in one. My tears fell freely as every barrier I’d raised fell down, the raging torrent of feeling crashing against them all.
‘Hestia,’ he breathed, an urgency in his voice I’d never heard before as we parted, his thumb wiping my cheeks. ‘I need you to know—’
‘I can’t do this,’ I choked, the guilt of what I was about to do swallowing me whole. ‘I’m leaving. I couldn’t find another way. My flight’s in—’
‘No,’ he begged, his fingers guiding my face back to look at him, his own tears gathering. ‘We’ve got to find a way to make this work with you here – I can’t . . . I don’t want to be without you, Hestia. I need you to know. I love you. I’min lovewith you.’
Part of me, the part that loved him back so fiercely that I could barely breathe, felt the kind of joy I’d never imagined knowing. That he returned my feelings, that a man like this could love someone like me. But the other part, the darkness that swirled below, that told me I could never deserve anything so good, pulled me down, drowning out everything.
I closed my eyes to it for a moment, the sensation of pain building in my chest.
‘Oh, Jesse . . . fuck,’ I breathed, trying to stop the sobs building. ‘You can’t. You need someone whole, someone that will give you everything you deserve—’
‘I wantyou,’ he whispered, his lips on mine again for a moment, lifting me to him. ‘I needyou. I loveyou.’
The tears came for real then, great racking sobs as he pulled me into him, holding me tight while the rodeo swirled around us.
‘Let’s get out of here,’ he urged, ‘come on. I don’t need to ride. We can go back to the ranch and talk things through.’
