‘Okay, okay. Enough. Spit it out. Leaving you be to figure things out with Jesse is one thing, but you look fucking miserable.’
I gritted my teeth, warring with myself about how much to share. She’d never accept that I wasn’t good enough for Jesse, that I would pollute and poison something so good. So I went for the other side of my turmoil, the other factor that complicated it, that would prevent us even exploring what could be – even if miracles were possible and I wasn’t a fucking mess.
‘I guess . . . I’m just suddenly really aware of how little time I have here, that whatever I feel about Jesse . . .’ I stopped, twisting my hands together. ‘I can’t just stay like you. My visa only has another three, four months, max. Then that’s it. I’m out and can’t come back for, what, another year?’
‘You’d want to stay longer?’ Lottie breathed, eyes widening. ‘Because of Jesse? Does that mean you really—’
‘It doesn’t matter, though, does it?’ I replied, trying not to shut down the excitement she was trying so hard to hide. ‘He has enough going on in his life without my bullshit. His mum, this place, the fact that I can’t watch him bull ride without wanting to throw up.’
Lottie pursed her lips, placing her hand over mine.
‘Listen. Lil comes home in a couple of weeks – let’s talk to her. We might be able to get things organized for a work visa, if we can get you on payroll. There are options, Hes. But as for Jesse . . .’ She paused, her expression softening. ‘He doesn’t see what you guys have like that, from what he said.’
I stared at her, searching her eyes.
‘What did he say?’
‘It was in confidence,’ she began, but as I dead-eyed her, she rolled hers. ‘But the gist of it was that he would go to the ends of the fucking earth for you.’
I bit my lip. That was just Jesse, though. He would always give himself to other people, regardless of the impact on his own wellbeing.
‘Thanks,’ I said softly, taking a deep breath. ‘But let’s just get through this afternoon first. I don’t want to be a downer.’
She stared at me for a moment, her brow furrowing.
‘I wish you could see what I see,’ she murmured, reaching out to pull out a pin from one of the curls, winding it around her finger as it fell, bouncing onto my collarbone. ‘What everyone that really gets to know you sees.’
I shook my head.
‘Don’t be nice to me,’ I begged, pointing to my face. ‘If I cry off my eyelashes I’ll be pissed, took fucking ages.’
‘Fine,’ she said brightly, getting up and adjusting her robe. ‘You’re absolutely not the kindest, most giving person I know, with a fucking huge heart that you don’t know what to do with. Absolutely not. Now put the damn dress on and meet me out front.’
Almost smiling, I got up.
‘You’re extra hot when you’re mean, you know,’ I replied, catching her smile in return, expanding as she flipped me off.
Less than ten minutes later, my biggest concern shifted to keeping my rack in my dress.
It was a simple, raspberry-red satin shift with thin straps, the neck and back dipping low, and I was in desperate need of tit tape. The chances of finding any in Jackson Hole – fuck it, Wyoming – were likely slim to none.
Steeling myself, I put on the pale, metallic gold heels, the straps winding up above my ankles. The dress still almost brushed the floor, a thigh-high split on one side allowing me to walk, but after two months of boots, heels felt like hell.
My hair was unpinned, brushed into waves, and with a last look at the woman in the mirror, I knew exactly who I looked like.
There were voices outside the front door, the sound of a truck pulling away as I opened the door and stepped out, checking the decking carefully so as not to catch my heels in the gaps.
Head down as I lifted the front of my dress to take the step onto the drive, I realized the voices had stopped.
Looking up, brushing my hair back from my eyes, I saw three sets of eyes staring right back.
‘Holy hell,’ Lottie said finally, her mouth half open as she looked to Cole, also wide-eyed. ‘I’ve never . . . wow.’
But I wasn’t listening. I could only focus on the grey eyes nearest to me, the way they clung to me, as though to look away would be to starve. Jesse’s expression was stunned, what had been a relaxed pose in a sharp, dark navy suit turned to stone.
‘Thanks,’ I said quietly, stepping over as Jesse cleared his throat, looking away, towards Cole’s truck.
‘We should go,’ he said, his tone as rigid as his body language. My heart dropped. I’d walked away from him earlier, pulled back from his attempts to help me.
