Cole was busy off the ranch, his brother’s wedding rapidly approaching. Jesse picked up his slack, taking over more work than ever. In turn, I offered to step in, taking his morning round feeding and prepping the horses as well as sorting and cleaning tack for the day.
I could see how touched he was by my offer. Initially he tried to resist, knowing how I loathed mornings, but ultimately he was too tired to refuse.
So, my head won over my heart. I made myself as busy as everyone else, giving myself the extra distance from him – from all of them – that I needed.
Because I couldn’t begin to process how I now knew I felt – the words that’d scared me so fucking shitless when I’d said them aloud that I’d struggled to sleep since. Only the fact that he hadn’t heard me, crashed out and blissfully unaware, was keeping everything together. It was contained, and all I needed to do was stamp it the fuck back down and bury it.
Jesse deserved the fucking world.
Not an emotional wasteland like me.
Avoiding Lottie was harder. She knew things were off, but she gave me space. After her experience with Cole, trying to get to know him and fall in love in the midst of a busy working ranch, she was trying to give me the time I knew she hadn’t had.
I missed her.
I even missed the old Cal; those moments when we had worked as friends . . . That had evaporated like the mists that hung over the pitch lake water. He’d messaged a couple of times, apologetic for our last angry phone call, trying to work his way back in.
My new routine became a silent meditation after the first week: measuring out feed for the horses, taking the buckets around, starting to brush down one after another. My soundtrack was the soft sound of crunching as they ate, their warm breath on my hand as I greeted them.
‘Hey, baby demon,’ I cooed, entering Luci’s stall and delivering her breakfast. I took small satisfaction at the way she now approached me, her head low as I scratched her favourite spot. ‘I’m going to have to rename you at this point,’ I added as she instantly rested her head on my arm. ‘You better be a bitch to someone today, okay? You’ve a rep to keep.’
Checking her wounds, relieved as the healing continued, I kissed her on the nose as I backed out. She followed me to the door, ignoring her food and putting her head over as I locked it behind me.
‘See you later on,’ I murmured, reminding myself that for her, too, I wouldn’t always be able to keep that promise.
In danger of choking up, I glanced down towards Lottie’s cabin, where Jesse and Cole were now setting up for the morning. There were only a few last touches to the deck needed before the kitchen got delivered, which would be soon. Taking a breath, I headed back up to the ranch house, determined to keep my hands and brain busy.
Breakfast. I’d make them breakfast and take it down there.
That way I could still see Jesse, but only briefly, with Cole’s presence to keep things neutral. I didn’t trust myself with him alone any more.
The challenge of cooking food was exactly what I needed – and two espressos and half an hour later, I was walking up the freshly laid dirt track to the cabin. Pushing loose strands of hair out of my face, my hair pulled up into a high pony, I looked out over the lake as the sun set the morning sky ablaze. Half squinting as I approached, I almost missed Jesse watching me from the deck. He set his tools aside and stood up.
‘Hey,’ he said softly, jumping off and stepping over to close the distance between us.
His kiss was immediate, gentle at first, then more insistent. My body leapt into its core response to him, leaving me breathless as we parted.
‘I’ve missed you these last few nights,’ he whispered, reaching down to take the bag I held between us. ‘I’m sorry it’s been so crazy. It’ll settle down once the wedding’s done and some of the guests head home next week.’
I nodded, still startled by breakneck speed with which my feelings had torn through my flimsy defences. Stepping back, I scrambled to keep it normal.
‘I thought you guys might be hungry,’ I replied, looking up as Cole walked round the side of the cabin.
‘We get takeout now?’ he smiled, nodding with gratitude as I handed over the wrapped bacon sandwich.
‘Don’t get used to it,’ I replied, handing one to Jesse. I hadn’t missed his questioning glance, recognizing I’d pulled away too quickly. ‘I just know you’re all on overtime, so I figured I’d get domestic for once.’
Cole smiled as they perched on the deck, wolfing down the food in seconds.
‘You not eating?’ Jesse asked quietly, his brow still furrowed.
‘I had mine at the house,’ I lied, unwilling to explain that my stomach had barely stopped churning for days now; how it made eating difficult. ‘Couldn’t wait. Chef’s privilege.’
Cole grunted a laugh as he finished, getting up.
‘Hold up a minute there, would you?’ he asked, turning to go into the cabin. ‘Got something I want your opinion on.’
As he disappeared inside, Jesse reached out a hand to me, gently pulling me down to sit beside him on the deck.
