I hated the petulant tone to my voice.Liam always looked for the worst in me, and now I was proving him right.
‘I’m not going to rub it in, Ren,’ Liam said softly.
I shrugged like a grumpy child.‘I wouldn’t blame you.’
‘This is my fault.’ Liam sighed.
I frowned, glancing up to find Liam rubbing his forehead.‘What, because you encouraged me to go?I mean, Sandra would have killed me if I hadn’t—’
‘No, not that,’ Liam said, looking at me.‘Look.I’m jealous of you.’
My eyes widened.Then I chuckled.
‘Jealous of me?’
Liam nodded.‘I’ve always been a little jealous of you, Ren.I’m not too proud to admit it.When Mum died – you got to keep being a kid.And I felt like I had to step up, and be like her – a person everyone relied on.I felt like I needed to be a replacement parent to you.’ Liam placed a hand on my shoulder.‘But at some point I let that turn into resentment and I shouldn’t have done that.I shouldn’t have put that on you.I let our relationship turn from brothers to parent-and-child and it’s not healthy for any of us.And I’m sorry.’
My mouth was agape as I stared at my brother.He’d never admit any faults to me – he’d always been this untouchable, perfect son.
‘You – you’re sorry.’ I shook my head, my world view shifting on its axis.‘You’re jealous of me?What—’ I stuttered.‘What do you have to be jealous of?’
‘You don’t see it, do you?’ Liam smiled ruefully.‘You’re everyone’s favourite.You come into the room and no one else wants to talk to me, the boring, morose one.You’re the fun one, the magnetic one.It’s something you and Lydia have in common really, when I think about it.’
Liam smiled and I was desperately trying to let the words sink in, but they didn’t make sense.
My voice croaked.‘I don’t have a life – not like yours, Liam.I mean, I have no life apart from Lily’s.’
‘And, by the way – I vastly underestimated your role at Lily’s, as I’ve realised since you’ve been gone the last few weeks.’ Liam shook his head.‘We ran out of the Vinho Verde.I didn’t know which supplier we sourced it from.And I need you to order some more of those cocktail napkins, because I ordered some plain ones and Kat hates them.Apparently, they are too big for cocktails and look like something you’d give out at a barbecue, not a restaurant.’
Something like pride burst in my chest.It felt foreign and indulgent, so I laughed it off.
I held up my hands.‘It’s not our fault you have shit taste in napkins.’
Liam doesn’t laugh, as if he sees through my attempt to lighten the mood.‘And it’s not just that – it’s the energy around the place.The staff are lower when you aren’t there.The regulars have been asking where you’ve been.I’m just stuck in the kitchen, no one cares about me.It’s you they come for.’ Liam slaps his thighs.‘So I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the farm.’
My heart sinks.I want to stay in this bubble, not hear how the farm is a bad idea, yet again.
‘We don’t have to bring this up, Liam.’
‘I’m in,’ he says.‘I’ve spoken to Kat, and we’re willing to put some of the money from when I sold my house.And we might have to put this house up for collateral too.’ Liam sucks in a breath.‘Kat says she will.And we’ll need Dad’s and Jack’s help, of course, for the renovation, but I’m sure we can figure something out.We can make it work.I can call Bert tomorrow—’
I clenched my fists.He had a determined edge to his jaw.Liam’s face was… determined.Hopeful.As if he’d really thought about this, and wanted to figure out a way – any way – to make it work.He was trying to be the superman, the untouchable problem solver for everyone else’s problems.But after what he had just told me about shouldering the burden of losing Mum, I couldn’t do that to him.
‘Liam,’ I said softly.‘There is no way I’m getting you to risk this house – the house that means so much to you and Kat.’ I shook my head.‘I could never do that.’
Liam frowned.‘But you want to do this – I can tell.I’ve been worried about you – you seem lost.It’s partly why I encouraged you to go on this mad hiking trip.Not just for Lydia, but because you didn’t seem yourself.’ Liam paused.‘I thought the farm might have something to do with it.I shut you down quickly, and I’ve been thinking about it – and it was a mistake.’
‘Well,’ I shrugged.‘Maybe that’s true.But we can’t take huge risks.Things are going well, but now is the time to think through the next step.Not rush into it.’
It was Liam’s turn to look shocked.
‘I never thought it would be you lecturing me on rushing into things.’
I chuckled.‘First time for everything.’
‘Okay.’ Liam nodded after a second.‘If you’re sure.We can look elsewhere.’
I thought about Bert’s farm, the smell of the grass and the expanse of blue sky all around.I thought about Bethan and Gareth and their bustling farm, full of life and laughter.
