‘We’ve hung out, just us, for years.What was so different about that night?’ she said, a little defensive.
‘Yeah, we did,’ I agreed.‘At family stuff.Or when we were kids.But that night… it was different.Or at least I thought so.’
It was the summer after we’d finished our A-levels, and I’d had a tough year.I’d had my first really bad bout of depression.It had hit me like a truck.I couldn’t get out of bed.My teachers were concerned I wouldn’t pass any of my exams.My dad and Liam were trying to be as supportive as possible, but I knew I was being a burden by the way they would talk in hushed tones when they thought I wasn’t listening.Or when Liam would talk over me at the doctor’s.
But Lydia had been my saving grace.She hadn’t put pressure on me to be better or make plans with her.She was there if I needed a late-night phone call or a quiet walk around the park.And it was more than that, something I couldn’t put words to.It was like I didn’t feel heavy when I was around her.She never drained me or made it worse.If anything, she made it better.A solid, calming presence, like the soft glow of a lamp as the sun began to set.
And I knew I was starting to feel… more for her.But I also wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship with someone who always gave so much for other people.I didn’t want to take advantage.
So I held back.
But, by summer, I’d finally got on some medication and was feeling a lot more stable.
And Lydia was more gorgeous than ever.My heart skipped when she walked into a room.She had grown out her hair, and she had started wearing these jeans that hugged her curves.She was more confident, and I loved hearing about her plans to train as a PT, because she would just come alive.Don’t get me wrong, she’d always been beautiful, I couldn’t deny it, even when we were in our awkward, the-opposite-sex-is-disgusting phase.But there was something about that summer – we were newly minted adults with no responsibilities, no exams, and no teachers.It was charged with possibilities.
I had thought, without my lows, that maybe I could be good for her.Worthy of her.
So, I’d bought the gig tickets, and we’d woven our way through the crowd, my hand wrapped around hers.I remember glancing back at her, just to check she was real.She was here with me.
In the crowd, I leaned down to whisper in her ear.
‘You look really beautiful tonight.’
She turned to me, brows quizzical, like she couldn’t hear me.
Then a squeal.Pale arms wrapped around my neck.I turned to see Lindsey Matthews and my stomach dropped.
‘Lindsey Matthews was there.’ Lydia snapped me back into the present.‘You danced with her.’
I winced.‘She was drunk.And clingy.I’d made it clear we went to the prom just as friends, but she latched on that night.I didn’t want her there, Lyd.I wanted it to be us.But you wouldn’t even look at me after she showed up.’
Once Lindsey had turned up, Lydia avoided me like the plague, and then the gig started, and there were what felt like a million sweaty bodies around us, keeping us apart.
She stared at me like I’d just told her I wanted to join the circus.
‘You can’t just rewrite history, Ren.’ Her voice shook.‘And why didn’t you just tell me?’
I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck.‘I was eighteen and scared.Worried you’d say no.Or everyone in Everly Heath would jump on it.You know what they’re like.We’d have this pressure on us before we even started.I was hoping you’d guess it was a date.’
‘Guess?’ she repeated incredulously.
‘Yeah, I know.Dumb,’ I muttered.‘I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Lydia.But I’m trying not to make them any more.I wish I’d just grabbed you and kissed you that night, instead of taking another ten years to do it.’
Lydia’s eyes widened, her eyes darting to my mouth, then she pulled herself together.‘It wouldn’t have mattered.We’re—’ she stuttered.‘All of this has been a mistake.You have to admit—’
‘I won’t admit it,’ I said.‘I won’t admit that any time I spend with you – kissing or not – is a mistake.’
Lydia sucked in a breath.‘Ren—’
‘Are you not over Casey?’ I asked quickly, like I was trying to rip off a plaster.‘Is that it?’
I dreaded the answer.The idea of Lydia choking up over someone else – after that kiss in my apartment, after every moment pulling us closer again – sat in my gut like a punch.
‘What?’ she asked, her brow furrowed.
‘Casey,’ I repeated.‘Are you not over her?’
Is that why you’re pushing me away?
